VADNAIS HEIGHTS VENOM
2000 RECORD: 7-8
PLAYOFFS: 1994
LOKI CUPS: 1994
COLORS: Green, Black, and White
OWNER: Timothy Stahl
GM/COACH: The Big Walleye
The Venom are widely considered to be one of the most out-of-control organizations in the MFL. Despite this apparent handicap, the sheer football brilliance of Vadnais Heights' GM, the notorious Big Walleye, has allowed the Venom, (then based in Anoka), to bring home the first Loki Cup, and has consistently kept the Venom out of the league's basement. While they have never been considered favorites to win the championship, or even the regular season title, history shows that it is always dangerous to overlook them completely.
The Venom are an original MFL franchise and were once known as the Anoka Archangels. Led by quarterback Lonzell Cahill, the Archangels stunned the heavily-favored Mounds View Marauders in the first round of the playoffs and went on to win the Loki Cup, setting the precedent for Mankato's similarly unexpected title run in 1999. After winning the league championship, owner Tim Stahl moved the franchise to Vadnais Heights because he didn't "have the time or the inclination to commute twenty minutes a day." Also, it is rumored that the current stadium is closer to The Big Walleye's favored nightspot, the Mermaid in Mounds View.
While Vadnais Heights had a difficult season in 1999, they finished strongly and only missed the playoffs by a half-game. However, they went on to defeat both Ponte Vedra and North Oaks to claim the consolation title, (otherwise known as the Toilet Bowl), despite averaging only thirty points per game in the postseason. Despite this moderate success, former Loki Cup-winning quarterback Lonzell Cahill, who retired and returned to the team as head coach after the Big Walleye was promoted to GM, was dismissed following the Venom's failure to make the playoffs. In a surprise move, owner Tim Stahl went to the Mayo Clinic to have a subsection of his ego, Timmy Stahl, surgically removed from his id and superego, and named the strange creation to the vacant head coaching position.
Some of the world's greatest neurosurgeons were watching with the rest of the league to see if the Vadnais Heights organization would be able tolerate the clash of three massive egos and still succeed on the field. A lackluster beginning to the 2000 campaign indicated that the bold experiment was doomed to failure, and the Big Walleye did not wait long before returning again to the sidelines. Sports Illustrated has even suggested that the Big Walleye may attempt to assemble a group of investors and seek total control of the franchise next year if the team does not remain in Vadnais.
It is not yet if the Venom will still be playing in the Terrordome next year, nor if they will even continue to be known as the Venom. But veteran watchers of the MFL can be sure of one thing: no matter what they are called or where they play, the Vadnais Heights Venom will continue to be the most unpredictable and notoriously quotable franchise in the league.