MFL Posts 2002

The 2002 season kicked off with a surprising amount of continuity in a league that is almost as famous for its change as for its incredible prestige. There were no teams moving, no significant personnel changes and most shockingly, no major scandals involving league executives.

The Savage Angels spent the offseason luxuriating in the heady knowledge of their second Loki Cup triumph, while Mankato's head coach Avogadro's Number was rumored to have spent his summer meditating in a grass hut somewhere in the wilds of the Amazon. Apple Valley's Jerry Burns reported that he "drank a lot of beer", the Grizzlies' Tim Stahl managed to hold the city of Greenfield hostage for additional revenue concessions by threatening to move the team to Frogtown, and Ponte Vedra GM Vox Day was spotted on what looked suspiciously like a movie date with the owner of the Baldwin Wallabies.

The scoring system was also unchanged, and the notion of converting to a keeper league was discussed, but ultimately rejected since it would not add much to the prestige of THE MOST PRESTIGE LEAGUE IN SPORTS(tm). And the legend lives on....

Can you smell the smoke?
Mankato Hummingbirds September 1

A dark stage opens on Duante Culpepper and Avogadro's Number Duante is in Royal Purple and Avogadro is wearing a Zulu Warrior's ceremonial pre-battle garb. Duante grab's a microphone and presses it against his mouth and with a slow back and forth rocking motion begins to beat box... Avogadro begins a high-pitched Beasty rap:

Birds hummin' at ya with the speed of fire!
a-Rippin' and a-tearin' as the flames rise higher!
Run if you can... Try to flee?
It really doesn't matter at all because of the speed
of Arch-i-loch-us co-lu-bris
Our opponents will choke!
We're burning up the field and you can smell the smoke!

I smell the smoke... from your joint
Apple Valley Harlots September 3

Clearly Mr. Hummerbird is high on mary-and-joe-wanna if he thinks he is going to run away with anything in this league other than a burning case of gonorrhea from the cheap Tijuana hooker he spent the offseason with.

I spy with my little eye.......
Greenfield Grizzlies September 3

Fred Taylor on Adam's team, (for the first quarter of the first game before he gets injured)... Marcus making 35 roster moves in the first 2 weeks and then trying to get someone to trade a good player for Jake Plummer... A new Avogadro's Number - 0, which equals the wins Mankato will have after 5 weeks...... Adam proposing a five-player for Kurt Warner trade...... Jeff (para)winning the league........ Robbie learning what "gay" means in English and feeling really lucky to have gotten out of Drew's place unscathed on Draft Day......

Savage Delenda Est
Ponte Vedra Piranha September 4

"That means Savage must be destroyed, you semi-literate, under-educated binks," Ponte Vedra GM Vox Day informed the press corps assembled at the Sawgrass Country Club. "Hannibal had a few successful campaigns against the old Romans back in the day, but he got his in the end, and it's all going to end in tears for that upstart from the south suburbs."

Day went on to announce that legendary offensive genius Don Coryell would be joining the Piranha after a disappointing 2001 campaign. "Sure, he's 283 years old, but he can still coach circles around that poor excuse for a staff up in Apple Valley, much less the disarray that is Greenfield. I hear they're planning to bring back the single-wing now. Our coach Cahill won a ring for Mr. Stahl, but that was a long time ago and let's face it, Stahl's turned into the Al Davis of the MFL."

Asked for a response, a Greenfield spokesman said the team's owner had no comment. However, a lawsuit claiming ONE MILLION DOLLARS in personal damages was filed against the league offices less than twelve hours later.

Mr. Hummer defends Tijuana
Ponte Vedra Piranha September 4

"I just want to assure our friendly neighbors to the south that there is nothing but affection and love in my heart for the good people of Tijuana," said Mankato's Lunstad during an interview by Michelangelo Signorile at the Northwest Arena club in Minneapolis.

"Furthermore, I reject the characterization of my new friend, Juan, as a 'cheap hooker'. He is a tender and sensitive young man, and I value his friendship very much."

Next!!!
Savage Angels September 4

From the desk of Owner/GM/Coach of the Savage Angels:

Hello various MFL Owners,

I just want to know if I'm going to get any SERIOUS competition this year? I've even handicapped myself by not showing up for the draft, so maybe one of you losers could challenge the greatest dynasty in MFL history. After looking at the teams, I come up with the following breakdown:

Baldwin: Sorry. Your team is okay, but you still coach it. Prediction...last place.

Apple Valley: The self-proclaimed best defensive coach in the game is back and he has a decent team this year thanks to Auto drafting. Can he stop his notorious end of the year slide? Prediction...bad.

Mankato: The wild card. Hit or miss with this Lunstad. Could be playoff-bound.

Westfield: The Vikings of the MFL. Face it, you'll never win the Loki Cup. Prediction...middle of the pack.

Greenfield: Have you ever been good??? Oh, that's right, back in 1994. Prediction: SOL.

Colorado: This year's squad...ouch!! Prediction: better luck next year.

Naples: Decent team, decent coach. Might need two more RBs on the roster to contend. Prediction...Playoffs.

Caserta: A VERY impressive squad. Prediction...Playoffs.

Ponta Vedra: Never seemed to recover from the Loki Cup fiasco of 2001. It's tough to tell where this team will place this year, but one thing is certain. It's won't be first.

Best of luck to all-

Andrew Nelson
Owner/GM/Coach
LOKI CUP CHAMPIONS '00-'01

68er's start this Sunday.
Westfield Lane Westies September 4

I am having people over for the Vikes and para-reality smack talk this Sunday. The 68er's first game is this Sunday at 4:00 at the same field as last year. We will have schedules to distribute at the game. Our first practice will be halftime this Sunday across the street from my house at Westfield Park (yes, you can visit the wonder and splendor that is Westfield Park).

Jeff, you can call me if you need para-reality directions.

Reality Directions PLEASE!!!!
Naples Navahos September 5

Directions to a field in the Northern Suburbs for a 68ers game would be considered "reality directions," Mr. Smartypants. Perhaps you need some "reality instructions" to pull your head out of your bum-hole. Anyway, I would prefer NOT to have any "para-reality" directions from you Mr. Landvik, as I might end up in some fantasy land where:

-The sky is purple
-Cotton candy grows on trees, but tastes like mothballs
-Your team wins in the playoffs
-Fred Taylor is a consistent fantasy stud RB*

Now, if you excuse me, I have work to do. I'll leave you to your humble pie and laughing gas, you quack!!!

*Potential hot debate whether this is even possible in the para-reality...dream-world or Plato's World of Forms.

Westfield Lawyer defends the Investment of Fred Taylor!
Naples Navahos September 5

Dr. Edlemeir, acting Attorney at Law and General Counsel for the Westfield Westies and avid Platonic philosopher recently addressed why Westies continue to invest into often-injured RB Fred Taylor. "You can't deny that Fred is the only player that rivals Marshall Faulk in this league...when healthy! The mere idea that someone would suggest that a non-injured Fred Taylor is improbable...or worse, impossible, is completely and totally ridiculous!"

"Our management team is familiar that the central place in all of Plato's teaching is occupied by the theory of IDEAS or FORMS. The world of ideas is the world of concepts and conceptual truths. Other examples of ideas: the Good, the Beautiful, the One, the Man, the Bed. Forms are immutable. In the sensible world, the world of ordinary things and people, we find imprecision, vagueness and as far as the MFL is concerned: INJURY. Not in the world of forms. Whereas the world of physical reality is changing, fluctuating, perishable, imprecise vague and INJURED, the world of ideas is unchanging, timeless, precise determinate and HEALTHY. Hence, the Ideal Fred Taylor....is never injured. Therefore, it is entirely possible that he can exist...ere...play, and remain healthy."

He droned on to say:

"The main measure of value that Plato applies is the degree of reality. Only the world of forms is completely real. The world of ordinary things, consisting as it does of imperfect copies of the forms, is an imitation world, hence of a lesser degree of reality. Even less real are pictures of material things, verbal descriptions, such as histories, statistics and novels. Therefore, IF it is true that the Ideal Fred Taylor can exist un-injured in the world of forms, it is not only possible, but probable that the imperfect-perfect copy could remain un-injured as well. However, I would rationalize that we would score less touchdowns."

Greenfield: Welcome to the World of Dillon
Naples Navahos September 8

Yeah, we all knew that you thought C. Martin and C. Dillon were going to be your heroes following the inaugural debacle of your QB. Well, it looks like the owner of the "Care Bears" knows what it is like in the World of Dillon. It's a strange...fantasy world, where...you're unsure if he can run for over 15 yards or 215 with three touchdowns to-boot. Thankfully, you'll never have to worry about missing those games where he puts up monster numbers, CUZ YA GOT NUTHIN' ON YA BENCH!!! The only hard decision you have to make before each week is the type of tissue you plan to cry into.

May I recommend the "extra-soft with lotion" variety that is especially tender for the nostril....cuz it's gonna be a long season for you!!!

68ers Roll in Season Opener 52-14
Apple Valley Harlots September 9

the 68ers posted a remarkable 52-14 victory in their season opener. QB Marcus Bolton spread the joy around to 3 receivers, while making a few TD catches himself. Adam Landvik also made many brilliant catches on both the offensive and defensive side of the ball. This years team looks to be an offensive power house. The four players survived sweltering temps en route to their biggest offensive showing in team history. More players needed for next week!

Rumors from Greenfield...
Westfield Lane Westies September 13

One of the four residents of Greenfield witnessed owner Tim Stahl together with the apparent new coach of the Cubs, Job. Cleatus Hankerduderien, an 89-year resident of Greenfield, was out herding his flock of llamas when he first saw Stahl with Job. "I'm tellin' ya son, there is some freaky stuff goins on at that Stahl place. Mista Stahl and that man Job have been sittin' around in the dust for the past four days. They ain't said a word for the first two days, just sat there and wept like a couple young school girls who didn't get their grits and gravy. I was fixin' to call the authorities yesterday afternoon when Tim put on some burlap outfit and started moaning so load it woke up the flock. The way those Cubs played opening weekend, I reckon Mista Stahl be weeping with Job through December."

Playing the Number's Game
Ponte Vedra Piranha September 14

Coach Lonzell Cahill denied rumors that the Piranha front office was behind the recent decision by the National Endowment for the Arts to hire the performance artist, Avogadro's Number, for a three-day engagement at the Fairbanks Community Center in Fairbanks, Alaska this weekend.

"I'm sure Mr. Day is far too busy enjoying the fruits of his new relationship with Kartika Luyet to tamper with another team's coaching staff," declared the crackjack former quarterback. "We can beat those Hummers with or without that freaky whack job Numero Zero, you know what I'm saying?"

The NEA had no comment, except to say that Avogadro's Number is a well-respected artist whose work is particularly popular with persons of Eskimo-American descent.

NOT Playing the Numbers Game: Greenfield
Naples Navahos September 17

I'm not sure what Fields of Green your growin' in Greenfield, but I have a hunch that it isn't legal!!! I'd understand if you hadn't realized that you were up three points and were not reminded to bench your D, but after the reminder....c'mon! You should be thankful you didn't LOSE, cuz you deserve it!

-----Original Message-----
From: jjb
Sent: Monday, September 16, 2002 8:46 AM
To: tim
Subject:

Congrats on the W. Lamar came thru for you.

Anyway, your up 3 and Marcus has nobody going. Let's just say McNabb puts up 5 TD's (1 rush, 4 pass of which 2 go to Thrash) and the Eagles gives up no turnovers and 1 sack. This scenario gives me an unlikely dramatic W over the unlikely 40 point scorin' Cesarta and a foolish L for you to Apple Valley.
Bench your D dude.

JB

Greenfield folds - ends up in a tie with Apple Valley
Apple Valley Harlots September 17

Despite having a 26-23 lead over Apple Valley going into Monday night's game, Greenfield somehow managed to lose exactly three points, resulting in what may be the league's first official tie.

Said Apple Valley's GM, Marcus Bolton, "that's a sorry-ass team over there in Greenfield. I thought we were being nice by not having our RBs score any points and maybe give them their only victory of the season but apparently they don't even want it or feel deserving of it. It's gonna be a long season for them."

Commissioner to investigate possible collusion
Ponte Vedra Piranha September 17

From the League Office
Mounds View, Minnesota

Based on information recently received from a source at Sports Illustrated, Commissioner Bryan "Whizzer" White announced that Naples and Greenfield would be investigated for apparent collusion in week two.

"The fact that Greenfield's management is inept does not excuse the decision of the Naples management to attempt to interfere with the progress of a game. This is The Most Prestigious League in Sports, and like Caesar's wife, even the appearance of impropriety cannot be allowed."

When asked about the league's tough stance with regards to the current situation compared to the controversially lax handling of last year's Laveranues Coles case, Commissioner White shrugged and massaged the shoulders of his attractive, nineteen year-old secretary, a former Piranha cheerleader.

"You have to understand, Ponte Vedra is a special case. Naples, who are they, anyhow?"

From the League Archives
Ponte Vedra Piranha September 17

Most Ties, Season
3
Lugano Loons, 1999

But there's 12 games left, Marcus, so go for it.

The Music Man is way off-tune this year.....
Naples Navahos September 24

Commish:

Can you run a history report on the worst starts of MFL Seasons? I believe I went 0-4 my first year in the league and I know Caserta was pretty awful last year......

Dude, you might be heading towards record-ville. It WOULD NEVER look good for you to match up with me this year....but worse yet is that the 'Skins have a bye and the Eagles are playing the Texans!

Oh...we got Trouble....With a Capital T that Rhymes with P that stands for PONTE VEDRA!!!

AV Harlots - a model of efficiency
Apple Valley Harlots September 27

Once again the Apple Valley Harlots find themselves positioned comfortably at the top of the MFL standings early in the season. Despite putting up only 84 points they are in first place.

Said new Harlots head coach Newt Gingrich, "the secret to being good in this league is a strong defense. In our matchups with other teams we have consistently kept their scoring low. Hell, in our matchup with Greenfield we actually took points away from them on a Monday night to prevent a loss. We are not going to blow other teams away with our offense - well, maybe the Ponte Vedra Guppies - but the approach we take with most teams is to let our defense contain strong offenses like the kind you find in Naples or Savage. We're very much looking forward to those matchups"

The Battle of Florida
Ponte Vedra Piranha September 28

"We will win this week," announced Ponte Vedra coach Lonzell Cahill. "Naples may have the talent, but I have inside information that their coach, Mr. Jeffrey Beale, has spent the last week celebrating the acquisition of his new pleasure party pad with Anna Falchi and Michelle Hunziker. How do I know that? Let's just say that Mr. Day may have made a few phone calls to his friends in Italy...."

The coach of the winless Piranha went on to explain that while the numerically challenged Naples owner did not seem to realize that 14 is a long, long way from three, he would soon experience the knowledge of 500. As in his winning percentage after this week's upset loss.

The Battle of Florida = The Battle Over Bended Knee
Naples Navahos September 29

The Swiss Miss recently exposed himself to the rest of the league during his draft day debacle(s) confirming this fact: there is no fantasy prowess in Ponte Vedra. Unfortunately, the jury is still out on whether this has reached the melon of sex-crazed owner. Apparently, Culpepper and Garcia were calculated moves two years ago. Also, LaDanian was also a well thought out (OR maybe badly CHOSEN) move too. These moves, which were well bragged about, were consistently responded to by a "yeah right" or an "okay Theo" for the past two years.

I will enjoy slicing the fishy's gills this week. Bend over Swissy Sissy, its time for your medicine. Papa don't preach, he punishes and he is looking forward to spanking you this week.

Mark your calendars fellahs. I officially and pre-emptively oppose Theo's future strategy to move back to an Auto-Draft. The Wind of Fantasy Prowess, much like the unseen god-like force of the free market, has blown. Theo, your skirt has been lifted and exposed your prowess to be lacking. Don't try and spoil it for the rest of us, it's not our fault that you are weak and need an Auto-Draft crutch.

My team was FAR better on paper, by leaps and bounds, last year. I battled thru injury and inconsistency to prove that The Prowess exists in Naples. This year, I am better on paper and on the field.

You will SUBMIT!!!

Vegas Line
Westfield Lane Westies September 29

Marcus making the playoff's 4-1
Savage 3-Peat 3-1
Fraud Taylor pulling a groin and missing the rest of the season 2-1
Ricky Williams pulling a hammy by November 3-1
Moss ending up in the clink by December 5-1
Theo winning 4 games 35-1

Vegas Line - Part 2
Apple Valley Harlots October 2

Odds of Adam starting the correct RB that would have given him 18 points (Shaun Alexander) and won him the game against Savage: 500 to 1

Odds of a Savage threepeat: 1,000,000 to 1

Odds that Ponte Vedra Guppies will go winless: 2 to 1

Dateline Mankato
Naples Navahos October 3

Struggling star QB Dante Culpepper will not be seen in Sundays game as he is preparing for a scheduled modern dance performance on November twelfth. "We've had this dress rehearsal planned for about half a year now and I have asked for this week off in order to prepare for this event," Dante remarked to a local radio station. "The Compania Nacional de Danza is the first step towards the rest of my life after my football career. Some players become coaches or TV analysts, but I like to dance."

Asked to describe his role in the performance and his thoughts on the elements of the heralded troupe leaps and bounds under director Nacho Duato, Culpepper added: "I have a small role, but I am honored to work under world-renowned dance visionary Nacho Duato. His choreography fuses elements of classical ballet and modern dance in a dynamic fusion whose end results I would describe as POEMS OF MOVEMENT" he smiled and added, "It just doesn't get any better than that!"

Hummingbird fans would feel that things would be better with the team on the gridiron if he had more opportunities for a celebratory end-zone dance.

Beaten like a rent-boy
Ponte Vedra Piranha October 8

"It is true, our team is has been having some difficulties this year," admitted Piranha Coach Lonzell Cahill. "But we solved a biggie when we discovered last Friday that our offensive coordinator, the great Don Coryell, is actually the late, great Don Coryell. Apparently he died back in 1995, and we were taken in by two very sick individuals who've been doing this Weekend at Bernie's thing with the body for some time now. Sure, he looked funny and he smelled bad, but I just thought it was an old white cracker thing."

When asked about the recent game against Apple Valley, Coach Cahill looked pleased and said: "Those Rent-boys can't score, and we just showed how you beat their defense, throw, throw, throw. As for next week, we're looking forward to handing Greenfield a place at the cellar."

Put Greenfield in the Cellar?
Naples Navahos October 9

Don't you mean, INVITE Greenfield to STAY on the bottom rung with you? You're still on pace to win four games or less and not even make the Toilet Bowl! Your cold pale-white bootie and farce of a fantasy team will be regulated to the Outhouse Game!

Congratulations! Theo beat Marcus, the infamous MFL Franchisee Owner that recently slurred to the blond 'I think I'll give Curtis Martin to one of the best teams' rube of Greenfield: "Dude....did ya see my trade? Oh yeah, that was with you!!!"

How Theo possibly out-witted the glassy-eyed strategist in Apple Valley is unbeknownst to me!!!

Laveranues Coles Jr - Beale Crime II!!
Greenfield Grizzlies October 14

Naples Navaho GM Jeff Beale added the Raiders defense to his squad and played them in Week 6 after the first game had kicked off. The league-setting failure aside, we are once again faced with an owner from the Beale clan making morally suspect roster moves, ala the Lavernues Coles scandal of 2001.

An investigation of the highest degree is called for by the morally clean, albeit mangerially impotent, Tim Stahl, Greenfield GM. "How many times must our family-friendly league endure the corrpution of this old-money Minnesota family? Isn't the father one of the pernicious CEOs running this country and forcing old people to eat dog food as his greed devastates their retirement savings?!! Obviously the apple doesn't fall far from the tree that lays the golden eggs. For shame.......foooooorrrrr shaaaammmmeeeee.!!!!!"

My vote on the Naples crime
Apple Valley Harlots October 14

I vote to disassemble the Naples franchise and hold a lottery to see who gets the players. Gentlemen, can we all agree on this and make it happen?

Commissioner tools in Naples?
Naples Navahos October 15

I think not! When a team picks up a team that has already cleared waivers, they merely needed to be added to the starting lineup before their particular match-up begins. This is called...."good coaching" or "thank goodness I remembered that Philly had a bye so that I could make the adjustment on my wireless phone." This is operating within the rules and good last-minute strategy. You should be happy that I wasn't able to pick up the Redskins in time. That would have brought another one to the house for me. The power-hungry abusive Commish and I may be related by blood, but I do not share his commish tool-monopolizing character.

What makes me laugh more than Theo's bottom-barrel season already, is the thought of him being penalized a 1st round draft pick! We'd be forced to reckon' with that force called Stephen Davis as his #1 player! Boots....I command thee to stop quaking!!!

We have a #1 v. #2 match-up this week. Re-match of last year's (1-week late) Championship game. We've got post-season grudges to take care of and two potential Double-Dip Trip scenario's in New Orleans and Philly. I am looking forward to sensitive feelings Poem Boy's haiku on how much his panties are in a bunch for the trade he made earlier this year. Unlike Ken Lay, I didn't know that the stock was going to be that bad! Let's hope Moss goes easy on his old franchise.....

Drunken Prophets Can't See Their Own Teams
Greenfield Grizzlies October 15

Greenfield moves ahead of Apple Valley this week in the rankings despite the slurred words uttered at the Metrodome a few weeks back that the Greenfield fantasy team "sucks this year." Et tu Brutus?

Avogadro impressed and amused with "Cell Phone Defense"
Mankato Hummingbirds October 15

While admitting that he is "not a blood sucking lamprey, er, lawyer" Mankato's flamboyant performance artist/coach was willing to concede some admiration for the chutzpah required to make what most legal circles call the "Cell Phone Defense". The cell phone defense tactic generally works something like this:

a) defendent commits heinous crime
b) defendent claims crime was committed with "cell phone"
c) defendent presumes that the wireless nature of the activity cancels out his evil actions and their consquences.

"Why my 'brown muffin toaster' (this is my term for Naples' coach) thinks that claiming the change was made with a cell phone should negate the palpable evil unleashed by his actions is beyond me. But this is precisely the type of logical-creative tension upon which truly great art is created! Why, I have printed his missive and cut it into pieces, pasting one on each of my players during practice this week. Each player has changed his number to match the number of vowels in his segment. This, accompanied with some new chants I have created, will certainly give us victory next week. Myalallwyalla!"

Dateline Ponte Vedra: The Fleecing of the MFL
Westfield Lane Westies October 15

The corruption of the elusive commissioner of the MFL knows no end. After abusing his league powers for the likes of Laveraneus Coles, the MFL commissioner is in the midst of a conspiracy greater than any other in league history, save the Lunstad Bowl of '99. Sources close to the commissioner have confided that Day has thrown in the towel for the 2002 season in attempts to secure Marshall Faulk with the first pick in next years draft.

Cahill Receives Dreaded "Vote of Confidence"
Ponte Vedra Piranha October 20

"Who said I lost my job?" barked angry Piranha head coach Lonzell Cahill five days after a loss to lowly Greenfield in the Battle of the Cellar-Dwellers. "Ain't nobody said nothing to me!"

"The organization has the utmost confidence in Coach Cahill to turn around this season," said a press release from Piranha headquarters in Ponte Vedra. "His insistence that Moe Williams will be a star in this league and his decision to start Moe over an All-Pro running back playing against the Bungles may have been unfortunate, but are defensible in light of the fact that he has been on painkillers due to an old injury flaring up."

Neither the Piranha's General Manager nor reclusive owner could be reached for comment, but Johnny Cochran threatened to sue the league if Coach Cahill was fired. "First Westfield put the sheet on for Dennis Green and now they're out burning crosses for Lonzell Cahill. I demand a reckoning!"

Cahill Homecoming - Coach Leaves Last-Place Piranha
Greenfield Grizzlies October 21

"My heart has always been with this organization'" a tearful Lonzell Cahill todl reporters at a hastily called press conference at the Red Vest Bar and Grill in downtown Rockford, MN today. "Staring across the field last week at the players and executives that brought me up and made me a man in this league made my heart ache for snowy winters and lutefisk. Anoke, Vadnais Heights or Greenfield, these are my peeps and I am resigning my staff position with the Piranha immediately to take on the newly created role of Offensive consultant for Greenfield. Vox Day can take his models, his millions, and his one win and find another brutha to beat down. That team sucks. They're losers!"

Greenfield GM Tim Stahl said, "We're glad to have Lonzell home. He's been suffering in that JV town for two seasons. He'd call me after every game crying and begging for a coaching spot. I just couldn't take it anymore, so I caved. I realize it breaks the "no raiding" rules the league practices on coaching staffs, but my God, they really do stink down there!"

Piranha demand compensation
Ponte Vedra Piranha October 22

"This is an outrage," said Piranha GM Vox Day in response to Greenfield's recent sleaze of former head coach Lonzell Cahill. "League rules are very clear on this, and signing a coach already under contract requires compensation."

CNN/SI writer Peter King said that the Piranha's position was correct, but added that if John Gruden was worth two first-round draft picks, Cahill only required "a tenth-rounder and a six-pack of beer... and not a very good beer at that."

The reclusive Piranha owner issued a rare statement, apparently from his oceanside villa on the Amalfi Coast. "Non credo che ci siamo sconfitti da Caserta, e tutto incredibile. Fortunamente, sto seppelirendo la mia dolore nell'abbraccio della bellissima Columbari. La nostra stagione e distrutto, ma sono sicuro che Caserta anche non vincera niente, nonostante Faulk, perche e propria cattiva!

Greenfield Resonds to Day
Greenfield Grizzlies October 22

In a somewhat confusing press release, Greenfield GM Tim Stahl responded Tuesday morning to the assertions that compensation is owed for the recent Cahill signing. "Ravioli asti spumanti chef boyardee vermicelli chianti robusto benito mussolini bite me."

Vegas Line: Understanding Italian
Naples Navahos October 22

Odds that anyone in the league, other than Caserta, understood Theo's Italian Statement: 1,000 to 1

Odds that Theo percieved his Italian comments as funny and no one else, other than Caserta, in the league did: 10 to 1

Odds that Tim's "Italian" was a hell of a lot more funny to everybody else, other than Caserta, in the league is: 2 to 1

Sludge Report: Another Scandal ROCKS Ponte Vedra!!!
Naples Navahos October 22

Recent reports of a confidential discussion between MFL Franchises Westfield, Naples and Ponte Vedra have leaked to the press in Naples earlier this morning. Apparently, sources within the Naples and Westfield Front Offices are upset about a recent decision by the commissioner and are accusing Ponte Vedra of protecting the # 1 draft pick for 2003. An anonymous source in Westfield stated:

"It's not as if he is trying, to lose..." the elusive Westfield executive stated with a wry smile, "they just happen to have bad ownership, bad management, awful players and a former grammatically-challenged coach. What a waste of a franchise...they should form an MFL Europe league over there and give our boys some real competition."

According to the Westfield source, officials from both the Naples and Westfield organization formed a Sportsmanship Innovation Committee to improve the competition and appeal of the league during the post-season. They presented a plan entitled the Draft Incentive Playoff System, where the league would be split into 3-Tiers in the post-season and each Tier competing for the top draft pick for the next year. A high-level source from Naples involved in the committee stated:

"In the past, if you won the Loki Cup, you're rewarded with the 10th pick. With this system, the champion would be awarded with the 7th pick. For the Toilet Bowl, the winner would receive the 3rd pick instead of the 6th," he paused to add, "The bottom 2 teams would then fight for the # 1 pick, with the loser of the 2-game head-to-head playoff receiving the # 2 pick. This would enhance the appeal of the playoffs for all teams, not just those fighting for the Loki Cup. Also, it would encourage Toilet Bowl competitors to NOT drop their entire line-ups to secure a higher draft pick. Lastly, it provides competition, which is a rare occurrence, for the bottom two teams in the Outhouse games."

Both sources confirmed that they believe that Ponte Vedra management is using the dismissal of the incentive system in order to protect a spot for the # 1 draft pick. Historically, there has been lame excuses out of Ponte Vedra, as in the Laverne's Coles Case in 2001: "I didn't mean to drop him" or in the Two WR Starting Roster scandal of 2002: "My wide receivers sucked last year." The current excuse against the incentive program is: "It's not necessary."

Crap...Tab not recognized...let's try space-bar
Naples Navahos October 22

LOKI CUP
Finish Current System Pick Incentive System
1 10 7
2 9 8
3 8 9
4 7 10

TOILET BOWL
Finish Current System Pick Incentive System
5 6 3
6 5 4
7 4 5
8 3 6

OUTHOUSE STINK PIT*
Finish Current System Pick Incentive System
9 2 1
10 1 2

*It would work best with three weeks, going head-to-head, but we can do it with two. We still go head-to-head, meaning if one team wins both games, they win the Outhouse Stink-Pit. If each team wins a game, we defer to the team that scored the highest number of points during those two games. If for some strange reason, they are tied with points in the playoffs (they each beat the other by one), then we defer to head-to-head for those two teams, then point total over the entire season. So, like the possesion arrow in basketball, one team can have a slight advantage going in, but that scenario isn't likely. If Yahoo cannot set this up for us, I see no problem with calculatting it manually (YAY...another reason why NOT to have fractional points!), since it is very simple to do.

This system would provide incentives to win in the postseason, make it more exciting for everybody and keep the parity in the league.

I'm #1, so why try harder?
Savage Angels October 22

From the desk of Andrew Nelson:

What's the purpose behind any of your actions? Can't you see that the Savage Angels are an unstoppable force intent on winning for a third consecutive year? This league is so easy that it hardly consumes five minutes of my week. PS - You are all worthless and weak!

Andrew Nelson
Owner/GM/Coach
Savage Angels
Loki Cup Champions 00-01

I took a crap at the Space Bar after I recognized my tab
Apple Valley Harlots October 22

This is all senseless voodoo bs. We don't need a new "incentive" system. How's this for an incentive - if you win the league for three years in a row then you get the living shit kicked out of you and your scrotum cut off and tossed into the flipp'n Loki cup.

Seriously though, if your worried about teams not playing their full roster in the post season in order to get a better draft pick then do the same thing yourself and make it competitive. Last year I started Jake the Snake and only Jake the Snake. The strategy worked and I lost, resulting in a high draft pick. But the team that I played against just as easily could have done the same thing and made it interesting.

The only change necessary in this league is for the Greenfield GM to change his soiled Wonder Woman underoos. Word has it he has a five-car pileup back there.

Tuaolo Finds Employment
Ponte Vedra Piranha October 25

Mankato, Minnesota
The Associated Press

The Mankato Hummingbirds issued a press release announcing that the organization hired former Viking Esara Tuaolo yesterday in what was described as "a multi-role coaching capacity". The NFL journeyman will assume responsibilities for the defensive line as well as assisting management in organizing various steam room activities.

"His loneliness spoke to me," said Hummingbird coach Avogadro's Number. "We welcome Esara with loving arms and look forward to a long and safe relationship of mutual sharing and caring. Personally, I eagerly anticipate incorporating bodypainting into our practice routine."

Others in the organization were also pleased by the team's move. "He is one handsome hunk of beefcake!" exclaimed Reginald Greenbaum, captain of the Mankato cheerleading squad, Humming Loud, Humming Proud.

Cahill Drops Dime on Piranha Rituals
Greenfield Grizzlies October 25

After a few PBR's at the Choo Choo Bar in Loretto, Lonzell Cahill shared with this reporter some of the bizaree pre- and post-game rituals practiced by the anemic Piranha. "Those punks were crazy. They would all take a sip from a beer, spit it back into the bottle, and then make the kicker drink it before every game. When they had their one victory, Vox Day had them lay on the ground with another guy standing over them. Then Day would pour a beer down the back of a player and it would drip through his bung slot into the open mouth of the motherf*&%ker on the floor! Day said he wanted his players to remember what victory tasted like. I tried to tell him victory didn't taste like an ass sandwich, but he didn't listen to me - that kinky, white, manbitch."

Esara, Mankato - Losing, Loving, Lotioning
Greenfield Grizzlies October 25

"Never have I felt so accepted and consoled after a tough loss," said a greasy Esara Tuaolo Sunday night after his new team was trounced by the resurgent Grizzlies. "Andrew, the owner, held my hand in defeat and explained to me the tradition the Hummingbirds have of oiling eachother up after either a win or a loss, just because. It made the final score seem so less important. I've never had an owner who's hands I've felt more comfortable in. The way he left no part unsupported really got a rise out of me. It's both the most explosive and ultimately satisfying relationship I've had with any owner."

Harlots announce Norm Coleman as new GM
Apple Valley Harlots November 6

The resurgent Apple Valley Harlots announced today that Norm Coleman will denounce his recent appointment to the US Senate in order to take the position of GM of the Harlots storied organization. Said a cheerful Coleman to a robust crowd gathered at the state capitol, the people of the great state of minnesota have spoke. They want me to represent them in the Senate. Its an incredible opportunity. Nonetheless it is one I must forgo. Today I have chosen something better. I have chosen instead to devote the rest of my life to the best organization professional sports has to offer - the Apple Valley Harlots. In the Harlots I have found a world-class organization on the brink of MFL dominance for generations to come. I have accepted their offer as GM effective immediately. I ask that the great people of Minnesota support me in this capacity with the same vigor and enthusiasm as they did during my successful bid for the Senate seat. Oh yah, and that Senate seat, I have chosen my replacement to be one Jerry Burns. Please help me in supporting Jerry Burns as he endeavors to lead our state at the US capitol. Peace and fond tidings. Take care now. God bless America and god bless the Harlots. The crowd of 15,000 who gathered at the state capitol erupted in utter jubilation. Season tickets for the Harlots sold out within minutes of Colemans announcement. They are indeed poised to take over the MFL.

Mondale Announces the Harlots Suck
Greenfield Grizzlies November 7

In a bitter post election concession speech today, former Vice President Walter Mondale spent most of his time decryng the sad state of the Apple Valley Harlots. "When I was VP, we didn't let piss-ass organizations like this exist. Hell, I'd a nuked Apple Valley back in '78 and salted the freakin' earth so nothing would ever grow there again. Now they hired candy-ass Coleman to run the joint. Theyll probably end up switching to the XFL mid-season under his guidance. Wait....maybe that's a good idea."

Cris Carter to Coach Piranha
Ponte Vedra Piranha November 7

*Breaking News*
Ponte Vedra, Florida

ESPNs Tuesday Morning Quarterback reported Thursday afternoon that former Vikings wideout Cris Carter would assume responsibilities as player-coach for the bottom-dwelling Piranha following an occasionally acrimonious closed-doors meeting between Piranha GM Vox Day and legal gadfly Johnnie Cochran.

"Randy Moss has the Randy Ratio, and I likewise plan to introduce the Cris Carter Quotient," the beaming coach informed TMQ. "The idea is that every ball will be thrown to me, except when I am not open, which is never. We'll hand the ball off to that kid Portis whenever I need a breather."

Ponte Vedra GM Vox Day was not afraid to make the bold decision to hire an outspoken player with zero league coaching experience. Well, the first thing is, we have been sucking like Japanese Carp at the debris-laden bottom of a Tokyo river, so what's to lose? Besides, Cochran hooked me up with a lifetime VIP pass to the Atlanta Gold Club, so however it turns out, its a significant win from my perspective.

The MFL has not been kind to coaches of Negro and other minority descent. Coaches Cahill, Green and Bull have all left their teams under clouds of failure. But TMQ believes that a man who was famously described as only being able to catch touchdowns may have caught on with a winner in north Florida.

Baldwin Targets Savage
Baldwin Navahos November 12

From the Desk of Daniel Lunstad

Dear Mr. Nelson,

I am sick of notes that start out From the Desk of Andrew Nelson, predictions that say the Wallabies will finish last, reminders that you are back-to-back Loki Cup Champions, your overall attitude, but most of all, Mr. Nelson, I'm sick of the Savage Angels. I'm coming for you. You can run but you can't hide because the Wallabies are hungrier than ever. See you Sunday... and Monday night too!

Daniel Lunstad
President and GM of the Baldwin Wallabies

Apple Valley Targets Greenfield
Apple Valley Harlots November 12

Timmy Stahl, you piece of poop, I am gunning for you and I will crush you like a tiny grasshopper on a scorching summer day. I will make you my whore and tear you a third butthole, you piece of beetle dung. I will eat you for dinner and then I will crap down your chimney so the rest of your family can see chunks of you ablaze in putrid sludge while they roast chestnuts and spoonfeed each other cans of cream corn for the holidays.

You are done in this league and I will drive the nail in your coffin you disillusioned pole-smoking, crank junkie!

Dutifully,
Crazy Eyes Bolton

Bolton Appears in Boy Toy Monthly
Greenfield Grizzlies November 13

Boy Toy Monthly, a leading man-boy love publication, has flooded the market with their November issue, featuring a 12-page pictorial of Apple Valley Harlots GM Marcus Bolton posing with two donkeys and a Lithuanian midget. Keith Wigdor, head of NAMBLA (the North American Man Boy Love Association), finds the pictures bold and arousing. Bolton commented, "I live my life, I love who I love."

Openly gay and seriously freaky Mankato head coach Avagadro's Number commented: "That's some sick shit!"

Apple Valley sends Greenfield packing
Apple Valley Harlots November 18

In the latest round of MFL activity, Apple Valley beat the Greenfield Gremlins in convincing fashion. The loss will drop Greenfield from fourth place to seventh in the MFL standings once the week is finalized.

Said GM Marcus Bolton, "Greenfield is dropping like an anchor. I couldn't be happier to send those dumb asses down to the bottom of the league where they truly belong. They have no class. They have no style. They are obsessed with submitting posts about homosexual activity. Why is that? I'll tell you why. Because they are a bunch of fudge-packing loser wannabes. So, take your injured reserved, gimpy, out-for-the-season David Boston with his fucked-up knee and go home. I'll take my six points from Duce Staley and kick ass over the rest of the league."

Vox is Back on Bench
Ponte Vedra Piranha November 24

"We've tried Cahill, we've tried Carter, and it's clear that if Ponte Vedra is going to return to the league's elite, I've got to get back to the sidelines," announced Piranha GM Vox Day. "Cahill was a stiff who never would have won without the Big Walleye, the Carter Quotient didn't work any better than the Randy Ratio, and so I'm back in the saddle."

When asked about the Piranha's seeming obsession with Savage, the newly returned coach admitted that the team has never really recovered from the distress of its shock loss in the 2000 Loki Cup final. "There's nothing I'd rather spank than Savage, and let me tell you, I've paddled some angelic backsides in my day. We're going to win today, we're going to win big, and we're going to set the tone for next year's championship run!"

Angels management could not be reached for comment, but word is that chortles of amusement were heard from behind closed doors in the offices of the two-time MFL champions.

A Post-Victory Haiku
Ponte Vedra Piranha November 25

Ponte Vedra coach and general manager Vox Day celebrated his return to coaching duties and the Piranha's surprise defeat of the defending champions by reading a haiku in front of a victory-maddened crowd at Amazon.com stadium.

"Our season over
Still this victory is sweet
Bones in the river"

"The important thing is not that we've finally got that Savage hoodoo off our back, but that we've proved to the rest of the league that even when Priest Holmes is playing the worst running defense in the history of Western civilization, the Angels are eminently beatable."

Coach Day went on to predict that his team would win out over the remainder of the season and escape an ignominious last-place finish, that Greenfield would make the playoffs at the expense of Naples and Westfield, and that the Wallabies would ultimately claim the 2002 Loki Cup.

Cahill Calls his Run and Offers Ominous Piranha Prediction
Greenfield Grizzlies November 25

Greenfield: In a bold move today, Grizzlie consultant Lonzelle Cahill all but guaranteed a playoff berth for the sixth-place Grizzlies. "We've got a tough Monday night game tonight, but Hearst and Garcia are gonna come through for us. With a little help from Baldwin, and yesterday's upset by Mankato, we're in the driver's seat. We win out, we play for the prize." When asked his thoughts on the resurgent Piranha knocking off Savage when the Grizzlies let the Angel's defense dominate them two Monday nights ago, Cahill said, "Any team on crank can win a game or two. They don't feel pain. You could rip their limbs clean off and they'd try to tackle you with their teeth! But I've used the drugs to win games before, and eventually it leads to one thing - locker-room killing spree."

Dateline: Corcoran
Naples Navahos November 27

A rabid killing spree occurred very late Monday night in the Western Suburb of the Twin Cities, which continued until an hour before dawn Tuesday morning. Local residents have reported to police that countless pets have been found slain in their outdoor kennels and in their homes after being broken into. All of the residents reported loud base and guitar music, which over half responded that they heard the words "DU HAST MICH" repeated over and over. Some the animals, which were mostly dogs and cats, were found still alive by many of the homeowners after being alerted to the various disturbances. Of the animals that were merely maimed, virtually all of them were missing tails. The other pets either died of massive blood loss or by a savage beheading. Mostly dogs were given the grotesque violation of becoming headless.

"Rusty was the most reliable Golden Retriever," sobbed Terry Kopplin as she was consoled by her husband, "he died protecting the kids. We heard a loud bark before a thump. By the time Tom arose to the kitchen....Rusty was....(sniff...sniff)....who would do such a thing!?!"

Police had brought Grizzlies coach Lonzo Cahill in for questioning as there was a series of circumstantial pieces of evidence that indicated that the coach could be linked to the morbid violence. The coach has admitted to using mind-altering substances in his past and recently admitted that the use of such substances typically lead to reckless sprees of mayhem. Before the coin flip to began the overtime session, in which the Grizzlies came back to defeat the Colorado Cocktails after tying the game in a 4th Quarter comeback, Coach Cahill needed to be restrained by team security personnel. Cahill was reportedly "jumping up and down like a madman" and "...his eyes were all bulging and bloodshot." Countless team associates and reporters watched as Cahill led the bench players and fans into a tomahawk chop motion as they chanted, "CUT THEM TAILS....CUT THEM TAILS!" A team spokesman reported that Cahill's actions were considered to be "emotional team-building and motivational" and that "no material evidence has led us to believe of any wrongdoing."

Police have not officially ruled out Cahill, but he is not believed to be a main suspect any longer. Police have yet to uncover who and where the suspect may be.

Piranha coach hails tradition
Ponte Vedra Piranha December 9

"We're happy to see the way things shook out this weekend," said the eggnog-inebriated Piranha coach Day. "It just wouldn't be The Most Prestigious League in Sports(tm) without Westfield choking in the first round of the playoffs. Plus, it's nice to see the revival of the old Ferrets-Freeze rivalry."

When asked for a Loki Cup prediction, the self-proclaimed "massive failure in 2002" waved off the question and headed off in the direction of the mistletoe, under which he began to become very affectionate with newly hired Piranha secretary and swimsuit model, Dena Doster.

AN reluctantly titles season?
Mankato Hummingbirds December 9

In a written statement printed on birch bark with an unkown red, sticky substance the Hummingbird's coach unveiled the title of his just completed season.

"We Can Only Beat the Piranha"

When approached later at a local avante-garde hangout "The Pensive Monkey" an inebriated Avogadro explained that he was very disappointed to have beaten Westfield. "I thought we were unstoppable, but Westfield's ability to choke has surpassed even the level of artistic talent we have managed to accumulate in the 'The Tiny Nest'".

"I raise my glass to you, Westfield!" said Avogadro, standing and revealing himself to be wearing pantaloons constructed only of 'I break for hallucinations' bumper stickers. "May our troup's failure to lose to you this season have sucked the ichorous, choking venom from your veins!"

At this point Avogagro collapsed back into his seat, occasionally mumbling "Hummingbird's of the Amazon" to himself, but showing no sign that he understood any further questions.

Congratulatons to all the Playoff Teams
Greenfield Grizzlies December 10

I hate you all - you are all lucky - your personal scents are offensive - women find your bedroom techniques less than satisfying - you've been mistaken for retarded more than once - you make bile rise into my throat - questionable personal sketches involving small children have been located in your nightstands - you are boys among men - your male anatomy is smaller than average - your moms are so fat that when they get a cut they bleed gravy - i hear your fathers will be released from prison soon - there are three words that best describe you in order and I quote "Stink, Stank, Stunk"

Warmest Holiday Wishes from Greenfield!

A Salute to Westfield
Ponte Vedra Piranha December 16

The tradition and the glory
Of that famous Westfield story
Has once again come to a close
Edged out barely by a nose

Ferret or Westie it's all the same
The first round playoffs up in smoke
All that changes is the name
Once more the Westfield Westies choke

A new Champ to be Crowned - An Old Tradition Continued
Greenfield Grizzlies December 16

A new Champion will be crowned next week - it will not be Westfield.

Sunday conversation with Coach Adam Landvik
Apple Valley Harlots December 16

Following are the actual excerpts from two conversations that took place between Coach Landvik of Westfield and GM Marcus Bolton of Apple Valley on sunday morning and afternoon-

first call at approx. 10:30 am -

Bolton - Hello
Landvik - yo Bolton, it's Landvik
Bolton - what the hell do you want? I told you not to call me here.
Landvik - we're all over at Theo's watching the game and monitoring MFL action in real-time. You want to come over?
Bolton - No. I have a life. I'm caulking windows today.
Landvik - dude, your roster looks like shit. I'll be embarrassed if I lose to a team with Duce Staley and Dee Brown as starting running backs.
Bolton - suit yourself, Mr. fancy pants.
Landvik - bye
Bolton - bye

second call at 3:45 pm

Bolton - hello
Landvik - Bolton, it's me again.
Bolton - man you need to get a life. what do you want?
Landvik - so do you think Torry Holt can get you two touchdowns in the Sunday night game?
Bolton - I'm assuming I'm down going into the game tonight
Landvik - yah, you're down by 4.5 points.
Bolton - thanks for the update
Landvik - yah, loks like the Apple Valley streak is over. Holt only has two TDs all year. Not looking good for you.
Bolton - with your playoff luck anything can happen.
Landvik - not looking good for you.
Bolton- I have to go now. my noodles are boiling.
Landvik - see ya sucker.

later on, Holt put up a TD and 150 yards as Apple Valley went on to beat Westfield by a half a point. This firmly positions Westfield as the red-headed stepchild of the MFL.

Toilet Bowl Spizzank Coming
Greenfield Grizzlies December 16

Greenfield GM Tim Stahl was quoted after his Sunday victory over Colorado in the first round of the punk playoffs. "We know all about the Toilet Bowl. We have a golden plunger in our trophy case right next to the original Loki Cup. The Ho's couldn't protect their fourth playoff spot, and they won't float to the top of the blue water on Sunday. The fact that they are a crappy team worries us in this particular venue, but we're confident they'll pee their chances away."

Can you feel my bouncing???
Baldwin Navahos December 16

Boing boing boing... Here come the Wallabies... boing boing boing... there go the Angels... boing boing boing... Citizens of Baldwin clap clap clap your hands!

Boing boing boing... Who fears the Harlots... boing boing boing... Marcus is a choker... boing boing boing... Fans of the Wallabies clap clap clap your hands!

Perfect on Paper - It Must Be the Management
Greenfield Grizzlies December 17

Greenfield Gm Tim Stahl in response to a reporter's question on Naples' meltdown. "It's crazy. I don't think anyone wuld deny that Naples has the most raw talent in the league. All I can think of is it must be the management. I mean, what the hell - before Moulds went to Naples he was leading the league in receptions. Now look at him. Phily is the second ranked defense in the MFL, Ricky Williams is challenging for a rushing crown, Travis Henry has 1300+ yards and 13 touchdowns - yet.... a 500 record. I've got one word for you. Beale"

Dateline: Naples
Naples Navahos December 18

Local police and national guard reinforcements were shocked by the curiously odd calmness of the city over the past 2 weeks. The mayor had the city prepared on a high-alert status going into the game against Westfield 2 weeks ago in the event that the Navahos did not make it into the 2002 Loki Cup playoff hunt.

"It was odd," stated the First Aide to the Mayor bluntly, "We had the mayor in his bunker calmly watching a movie, but there was no action. We kept the alert going on all week thru the first playoff game in case a relapse of emotion hit the Navaho fans. We expected a fierce riot, but nothing happened."

A team official from the Navahos Front Office credited that the pre-planned "Friendliness Campaign" of the team was a huge success and that it was designed to be a contingency plan in case of a loss. During the 2nd Quarter when most fans believed that the Navahos had a decent chance of making a comeback on the quick striking offense of Westfield, personnel from the Navahos organization passed out multiple bracelets, necklaces, flyers and decorative peace symbols. Stadium representatives put up a variety of posters with messages such as: "The team needs a friend, not a fanatic," "True Navahos say: Will you be my friend?" and "Bricks don't squelch the pains of the heart" Professional wailers and mourners that specialized in hugging and sharing kind, soft words were dispatched in the 4th Quarter to listen to the feelings of Navahos fans and encourage them to grieve peacefully. Free handkerchiefs with embroidered peace symbols, a small supply of acoustic instruments and art materials were supplied for fans to express themselves. P Diddy and Bad Boy Inc. recorded the event and will be releasing the recently produced, "On Hands and Knees: Hear the Cry of the Navahos" later this month, which will be his first non-dance or hip-hop single.

The grim, heartfelt look of the Navahos Team Official changed when asked if the eventual loss to Westfield had anything to do with the last minute extraordinarily large Sunday order of Paxil from the company plant at 2:30 Eastern. The executive beet-red face filled with rage before he pointed out that Paxil ....."can't be mixed with beer anyway."

Nevertheless, the City of Naples seems to be in a mellow mood.

Incredible Apple Valley Win Streak Ends
Apple Valley Harlots December 24

The loss to the Baldwin Wannabies in the MFL Loki Cup Championship game was Apple Valley's first loss in 10 games. Said GM Marcus Bolton, "what an incredible ride. My boys fought hard to the end. Baldwin didn't have it locked up until late Monday. Nine wins in a row to close the season and finish at the top of the standings is unprecedented in this league. I do have to tip my hat to Baldwin for an impressive playoff performance. Their running backs peaked at the right time. Cogratulations Baldwin and happy holidays to all the MFL teams - except those presumptuous losers in Westfield.

Baldwin GM Thanks MFL For Great Season
Baldwin Navahos December 24

Wallaies Coach and GM Dan Lunstad took the podium after Baldwin's first Loki Cup Championship... "I want to send a special thanks to each MFL team because they all played an integral part in my fun-filled year.

To Apple Valley- I couldn't have done it with out you. Thanks for letting your incredible lucky streak run out. I wasn't sure if your mediocre point total and shoddy roster would ever catch up to you. It did, and thank you.

To Savage- Thanks for losing to me all three times this year so there is no debate on who the real MFL champ is.

To Westfield- Well... thanks for being you.

To Greenfield- Thanks for concentrating on your posts instead of you roster again this year. Don't ever change.

To Naples- Westfield's little brother. You put together another good team, but can't figure it out on the field. You probably never will and I love you for it.

To Caserta- Thanks for carrying the same ineptitude from last year to this year. It wouldn't be the same league if you made the play-offs.

To Colorado- What happened to you? Where were you? Colorado?

To Mankato- Thanks for not trying to rig this year's league.

To Ponte Vedra- Well, I just don't know what to say. I expected a sub-par year, but 2-11-1... You really outdid yourself.

Thanks you guys. Have a wonderful and safe Holiday season and remember, the Loki Cup will only be under my Christmas tree this year. Better luck next time."

The small market team with a dream
Ponte Vedra Piranha December 24

"To the Wallabies," toasted a cheerful Piranha coach Day before tossing back a devilish Christmas concoction of eggnog, Jagermeister and hot buttered rum. "While I would have enjoyed listening to Bolton's epic smack talk over the next year, it's even better to see the Green Bay of the MFL take home the Loki Cup. Either way, I'll sleep better knowing that cursed Cup isn't in Savage anymore."

While the Piranha underperformed woefully again this year, the Ponte Vedra faithful take heart in remembering that their previous last place finish set the stage for their record-setting 2000 season.

Landvik, your house is mine!

Week 1 Ponte Vedra Piranha Westfield Westies 22.00 30.00 final Mankato Hummingbirds Baldwin Wallabies 20.50 25.00 final Savage Angels Caserta Sealions 35.00 19.50 final Naples Navahos Greenfield Grizzlies 34.00 7.50 final Apple Valley Harlots Colorado Cocktails 40.50 31.00 final Week 2 Ponte Vedra Piranha Mankato Hummingbirds 19.00 22.50 final Westfield Westies Colorado Cocktails 16.50 17.50 final Savage Angels Baldwin Wallabies 24.00 25.00 final Naples Navahos Caserta Sealions 35.00 40.50 final Apple Valley Harlots Greenfield Grizzlies 23.00 23.00 final Week 3 Ponte Vedra Piranha Savage Angels 17.00 49.50 final Westfield Westies Mankato Hummingbirds 19.00 22.00 final Naples Navahos Baldwin Wallabies 43.50 28.50 final Apple Valley Harlots Caserta Sealions 21.00 20.00 final Greenfield Grizzlies Colorado Cocktails 19.00 21.00 final Week 4 Ponte Vedra Piranha Naples Navahos 18.00 25.00 final Westfield Westies Savage Angels 26.00 30.50 final Mankato Hummingbirds Colorado Cocktails 15.00 24.50 final Apple Valley Harlots Baldwin Wallabies 10.00 19.00 final Greenfield Grizzlies Caserta Sealions 35.50 16.50 final Week 5 Ponte Vedra Piranha Apple Valley Harlots 36.00 21.00 final Westfield Westies Naples Navahos 28.00 27.50 final Mankato Hummingbirds Savage Angels 24.00 47.00 final Greenfield Grizzlies Baldwin Wallabies 29.00 34.00 final Caserta Sealions Colorado Cocktails 25.50 19.00 final Week 6 Ponte Vedra Piranha Greenfield Grizzlies 19.00 24.00 final Westfield Westies Apple Valley Harlots 26.00 19.50 final Mankato Hummingbirds Naples Navahos 26.00 28.50 final Savage Angels Colorado Cocktails 31.00 30.50 final Caserta Sealions Baldwin Wallabies 27.00 17.50 final Week 7 Ponte Vedra Piranha Caserta Sealions 22.00 39.00 final Westfield Westies Greenfield Grizzlies 13.00 20.50 final Mankato Hummingbirds Apple Valley Harlots 28.50 31.50 final Savage Angels Naples Navahos 46.50 29.00 final Baldwin Wallabies Colorado Cocktails 31.00 26.50 final Week 8 Ponte Vedra Piranha Baldwin Wallabies 17.50 34.50 final Westfield Westies Caserta Sealions 37.00 18.50 final Mankato Hummingbirds Greenfield Grizzlies 22.50 47.00 final Savage Angels Apple Valley Harlots 20.00 21.50 final Naples Navahos Colorado Cocktails 21.00 12.50 final Week 9 Ponte Vedra Piranha Colorado Cocktails 19.00 19.00 final Westfield Westies Baldwin Wallabies 19.50 32.50 final Mankato Hummingbirds Caserta Sealions 23.00 24.00 final Savage Angels Greenfield Grizzlies 31.00 26.50 final Naples Navahos Apple Valley Harlots 10.00 20.50 final Week 10 Ponte Vedra Piranha Westfield Westies 23.50 40.50 final Mankato Hummingbirds Baldwin Wallabies 21.50 31.50 final Savage Angels Caserta Sealions 30.50 24.00 final Naples Navahos Greenfield Grizzlies 13.00 20.00 final Apple Valley Harlots Colorado Cocktails 31.50 28.50 final Week 11 Ponte Vedra Piranha Mankato Hummingbirds 24.00 41.00 final Westfield Westies Colorado Cocktails 23.00 13.50 final Savage Angels Baldwin Wallabies 26.00 42.50 final Naples Navahos Caserta Sealions 37.00 10.00 final Apple Valley Harlots Greenfield Grizzlies 28.50 19.50 final Week 12 Ponte Vedra Piranha Savage Angels 45.00 30.00 final Westfield Westies Mankato Hummingbirds 21.00 21.00 final Naples Navahos Baldwin Wallabies 23.50 30.00 final Apple Valley Harlots Caserta Sealions 21.50 20.50 final Greenfield Grizzlies Colorado Cocktails 30.00 25.50 final Week 13 Ponte Vedra Piranha Naples Navahos 36.50 42.00 final Westfield Westies Savage Angels 24.00 35.50 final Mankato Hummingbirds Colorado Cocktails 26.00 38.00 final Apple Valley Harlots Baldwin Wallabies 19.50 17.00 final Greenfield Grizzlies Caserta Sealions 17.00 24.00 final Week 14 Ponte Vedra Piranha Apple Valley Harlots 15.00 31.50 final Westfield Westies Naples Navahos 44.50 27.50 final Mankato Hummingbirds Savage Angels 17.00 36.00 final Greenfield Grizzlies Baldwin Wallabies 41.00 29.00 final Caserta Sealions Colorado Cocktails 13.50 19.50 final Week 15 Apple Valley 32.50 Westfield 32 Baldwin 28 Savage 26 Greenfield 21.50 Colorado 10.50 Naples 37 Caserta 19.50 Week 16 Baldwin 39 Apple Valley 32 Savage 45.50 Westfield 15 Greenfield 16 Naples 18.50 Caserta 23.50 Colorado 14.50 Regular Season Standings Rank Team Name W-L-T Win % PTS Streak 1 Apple Valley Harlots 10-3-1 .750 341.00 W-8 2 Savage Angels 10-4-0 .714 472.50 W-2 3 Baldwin Wallabies 10-4-0 .714 397.00 L-2 4 Westfield Westies 7-6-1 .536 368.00 W-1 5 Greenfield Grizzlies 7-6-1 .536 359.50 W-1 6 Naples Navahos 7-7-0 .500 396.50 L-1 7 Caserta Sealions 6-8-0 .429 322.50 L-1 8 Colorado Cocktails 5-8-1 .393 326.50 W-2 9 Mankato Hummingbirds 3-10-1 .250 330.50 L-2 10 Ponte Vedra Piranha 2-11-1 .179 333.50 L-2 Ponte Vedra Piranha (2-11-1) Week Opponent Result 1 Westfield Westies Loss (22.00 - 30.00) 2 Mankato Hummingbirds Loss (19.00 - 22.50) 3 Savage Angels Loss (17.00 - 49.50) 4 Naples Navahos Loss (18.00 - 25.00) 5 Apple Valley Harlots Win (36.00 - 21.00) 6 Greenfield Grizzlies Loss (19.00 - 24.00) 7 Caserta Sealions Loss (22.00 - 39.00) 8 Baldwin Wallabies Loss (17.50 - 34.50) 9 Colorado Cocktails Tie (19.00 - 19.00) 10 Westfield Westies Loss (23.50 - 40.50) 11 Mankato Hummingbirds Loss (24.00 - 41.00) 12 Savage Angels Win (45.00 - 30.00) 13 Naples Navahos Loss (36.50 - 42.00) 14 Apple Valley Harlots Loss (15.00 - 31.50) Westfield Westies (7-6-1) Week Opponent Result 1 Ponte Vedra Piranha Win (30.00 - 22.00) 2 Colorado Cocktails Loss (16.50 - 17.50) 3 Mankato Hummingbirds Loss (19.00 - 22.00) 4 Savage Angels Loss (26.00 - 30.50) 5 Naples Navahos Win (28.00 - 27.50) 6 Apple Valley Harlots Win (26.00 - 19.50) 7 Greenfield Grizzlies Loss (13.00 - 20.50) 8 Caserta Sealions Win (37.00 - 18.50) 9 Baldwin Wallabies Loss (19.50 - 32.50) 10 Ponte Vedra Piranha Win (40.50 - 23.50) 11 Colorado Cocktails Win (23.00 - 13.50) 12 Mankato Hummingbirds Tie (21.00 - 21.00) 13 Savage Angels Loss (24.00 - 35.50) 14 Naples Navahos Win (44.50 - 27.50) Mankato Hummingbirds (3-10-1) Week Opponent Result 1 Baldwin Wallabies Loss (20.50 - 25.00) 2 Ponte Vedra Piranha Win (22.50 - 19.00) 3 Westfield Westies Win (22.00 - 19.00) 4 Colorado Cocktails Loss (15.00 - 24.50) 5 Savage Angels Loss (24.00 - 47.00) 6 Naples Navahos Loss (26.00 - 28.50) 7 Apple Valley Harlots Loss (28.50 - 31.50) 8 Greenfield Grizzlies Loss (22.50 - 47.00) 9 Caserta Sealions Loss (23.00 - 24.00) 10 Baldwin Wallabies Loss (21.50 - 31.50) 11 Ponte Vedra Piranha Win (41.00 - 24.00) 12 Westfield Westies Tie (21.00 - 21.00) 13 Colorado Cocktails Loss (26.00 - 38.00) 14 Savage Angels Loss (17.00 - 36.00) Savage Angels (10-4-0) Week Opponent Result 1 Caserta Sealions Win (35.00 - 19.50) 2 Baldwin Wallabies Loss (24.00 - 25.00) 3 Ponte Vedra Piranha Win (49.50 - 17.00) 4 Westfield Westies Win (30.50 - 26.00) 5 Mankato Hummingbirds Win (47.00 - 24.00) 6 Colorado Cocktails Win (31.00 - 30.50) 7 Naples Navahos Win (46.50 - 29.00) 8 Apple Valley Harlots Loss (20.00 - 21.50) 9 Greenfield Grizzlies Win (31.00 - 26.50) 10 Caserta Sealions Win (30.50 - 24.00) 11 Baldwin Wallabies Loss (26.00 - 42.50) 12 Ponte Vedra Piranha Loss (30.00 - 45.00) 13 Westfield Westies Win (35.50 - 24.00) 14 Mankato Hummingbirds Win (36.00 - 17.00) Naples Navahos (7-7-0) Week Opponent Result 1 Greenfield Grizzlies Win (34.00 - 7.50) 2 Caserta Sealions Loss (35.00 - 40.50) 3 Baldwin Wallabies Win (43.50 - 28.50) 4 Ponte Vedra Piranha Win (25.00 - 18.00) 5 Westfield Westies Loss (27.50 - 28.00) 6 Mankato Hummingbirds Win (28.50 - 26.00) 7 Savage Angels Loss (29.00 - 46.50) 8 Colorado Cocktails Win (21.00 - 12.50) 9 Apple Valley Harlots Loss (10.00 - 20.50) 10 Greenfield Grizzlies Loss (13.00 - 20.00) 11 Caserta Sealions Win (37.00 - 10.00) 12 Baldwin Wallabies Loss (23.50 - 30.00) 13 Ponte Vedra Piranha Win (42.00 - 36.50) 14 Westfield Westies Loss (27.50 - 44.50) Apple Valley Harlots (10-3-1) Week Opponent Result 1 Colorado Cocktails Win (40.50 - 31.00) 2 Greenfield Grizzlies Tie (23.00 - 23.00) 3 Caserta Sealions Win (21.00 - 20.00) 4 Baldwin Wallabies Loss (10.00 - 19.00) 5 Ponte Vedra Piranha Loss (21.00 - 36.00) 6 Westfield Westies Loss (19.50 - 26.00) 7 Mankato Hummingbirds Win (31.50 - 28.50) 8 Savage Angels Win (21.50 - 20.00) 9 Naples Navahos Win (20.50 - 10.00) 10 Colorado Cocktails Win (31.50 - 28.50) 11 Greenfield Grizzlies Win (28.50 - 19.50) 12 Caserta Sealions Win (21.50 - 20.50) 13 Baldwin Wallabies Win (19.50 - 17.00) 14 Ponte Vedra Piranha Win (31.50 - 15.00) Greenfield Grizzlies (7-6-1) Week Opponent Result 1 Naples Navahos Loss (7.50 - 34.00) 2 Apple Valley Harlots Tie (23.00 - 23.00) 3 Colorado Cocktails Loss (19.00 - 21.00) 4 Caserta Sealions Win (35.50 - 16.50) 5 Baldwin Wallabies Loss (29.00 - 34.00) 6 Ponte Vedra Piranha Win (24.00 - 19.00) 7 Westfield Westies Win (20.50 - 13.00) 8 Mankato Hummingbirds Win (47.00 - 22.50) 9 Savage Angels Loss (26.50 - 31.00) 10 Naples Navahos Win (20.00 - 13.00) 11 Apple Valley Harlots Loss (19.50 - 28.50) 12 Colorado Cocktails Win (30.00 - 25.50) 13 Caserta Sealions Loss (17.00 - 24.00) 14 Baldwin Wallabies Win (41.00 - 29.00) Caserta Sealions (6-8-0) Week Opponent Result 1 Savage Angels Loss (19.50 - 35.00) 2 Naples Navahos Win (40.50 - 35.00) 3 Apple Valley Harlots Loss (20.00 - 21.00) 4 Greenfield Grizzlies Loss (16.50 - 35.50) 5 Colorado Cocktails Win (25.50 - 19.00) 6 Baldwin Wallabies Win (27.00 - 17.50) 7 Ponte Vedra Piranha Win (39.00 - 22.00) 8 Westfield Westies Loss (18.50 - 37.00) 9 Mankato Hummingbirds Win (24.00 - 23.00) 10 Savage Angels Loss (24.00 - 30.50) 11 Naples Navahos Loss (10.00 - 37.00) 12 Apple Valley Harlots Loss (20.50 - 21.50) 13 Greenfield Grizzlies Win (24.00 - 17.00) 14 Colorado Cocktails Loss (13.50 - 19.50) Baldwin Wallabies (10-4-0) Week Opponent Result 1 Mankato Hummingbirds Win (25.00 - 20.50) 2 Savage Angels Win (25.00 - 24.00) 3 Naples Navahos Loss (28.50 - 43.50) 4 Apple Valley Harlots Win (19.00 - 10.00) 5 Greenfield Grizzlies Win (34.00 - 29.00) 6 Caserta Sealions Loss (17.50 - 27.00) 7 Colorado Cocktails Win (31.00 - 26.50) 8 Ponte Vedra Piranha Win (34.50 - 17.50) 9 Westfield Westies Win (32.50 - 19.50) 10 Mankato Hummingbirds Win (31.50 - 21.50) 11 Savage Angels Win (42.50 - 26.00) 12 Naples Navahos Win (30.00 - 23.50) 13 Apple Valley Harlots Loss (17.00 - 19.50) 14 Greenfield Grizzlies Loss (29.00 - 41.00) Colorado Cocktails (5-8-1) Week Opponent Result 1 Apple Valley Harlots Loss (31.00 - 40.50) 2 Westfield Westies Win (17.50 - 16.50) 3 Greenfield Grizzlies Win (21.00 - 19.00) 4 Mankato Hummingbirds Win (24.50 - 15.00) 5 Caserta Sealions Loss (19.00 - 25.50) 6 Savage Angels Loss (30.50 - 31.00) 7 Baldwin Wallabies Loss (26.50 - 31.00) 8 Naples Navahos Loss (12.50 - 21.00) 9 Ponte Vedra Piranha Tie (19.00 - 19.00) 10 Apple Valley Harlots Loss (28.50 - 31.50) 11 Westfield Westies Loss (13.50 - 23.00) 12 Greenfield Grizzlies Loss (25.50 - 30.00) 13 Mankato Hummingbirds Win (38.00 - 26.00) 14 Caserta Sealions Win (19.50 - 13.50)