MFL Posts 2001

Weeks 1-8 Weeks 9-16
Reno Uncovers Gay Party Pictures on Day's Computer
Greenfield Grizzlies November 5

With subpoena in hand, Janet Reno's special investigation unit stormed the offices of the Ponte Vedra Piranha early yesterday in a surprise game-day raid. Combing through the hard drives for any information on the illegal free agent signings that Vox Day perpetrated against this league, Reno found a file titled "1999 Tax Party." In hopes of uncovering previous financial dealings that would point to a continuing pattern of illegal and immoral behavior on Day's part, she unzipped the file and was greeted by images of men "carousing in an unBiblical manner."

"It was difficult to determine the location of this depravity. There was quite a bit of robin's egg blue and gentle yellow in the background, and there were many disturbing photos of naked men "playing" with an unidentifiable trophy. We can only assume it's some sick little party Day threw for his twisted European fag hags. We're reviewing the league's lewdness statutes for a possible expansion of our investigation into Ponte Vedra's activities."



Mankato Finds Hidden Camera in Locker Room
Mankato Hummingbirds November 5

"This is an outrage!" decried a visibly shaken Andrew Lunstad. "we have no evidence of who might have placed this camera in our changing facility, but the camera is of Soviet manufacture." When asked whether stolen strategies might have contributed to Mankato's plummet from MFL champion in 1999 to perennial cellar dweller, Lunstad replied, "It's not about stolen plays. It's about having the place we all feel "safe" being open to the world's prying eyes. I pride myself and my staff on providing a haven for men to express their hopes, dreams, and desires within our facility, and this kind of intrusion violates all that we hold sacred." A detailed league investigation has been initiated.



Mysterious Tape Leaked!!!
Naples Navahos November 5

I write this message in haste as I fear for my life. Below is a transcript of a tape that has been leaked to me, illegally perhaps, but feel as I must make this public as it is important information regarding the secret history of the MFL.

**Transcript begins**
Male voice: "Hey, mom...what's this secret meeting all about? Did Vox send you a plan concerning this transaction?"
Female voice: "He did indeed, just sign here."
Male voice: "Is the gag order to protect me?"
Female voice: "Not really it is to protect us....."
Male Voice: "Whoa...whoa...whoa, what did I just sign? **pause** "300 HUNDRED MILLION? WHAT THE F*CK, MA! I THOUGHT THIS WAS A GIFT! BIRTHDAY AND CHRISTMAS! YOU SAID, 'MY TREAT!'"
Female Voice: "I guess it is more of a trick. Jeeves, would you put Mr. Higgins in his doggy bag and make an appointment with Hair on Earth. I'm relaxing today. There has just been too much stress lately." **loud sigh** I'm not sure if we'll make it to Sak's today.
Male Voice (getting louder and more belligerent): THIS IS TOTAL AND COMPLETE BULLSHIT! I'M SURE VOX HAS HIS CUT, THAT RAT BASTARD! MILLIONAIRE THAT MAKES HIS COLLEGIATE BROTHER PAY FOR DRINKS! AND YOU...I MEAN REALLY...."
Female Voice: "Jeffrey! Do you know how many hours I was in labor? Give me a break!"
Male Voice: "BUT I AM PAYING FOR MY OWN GIFT!"
Female Voice: "Welcome to the MFL!"
**Transcript end**



Commissioner, Day Cleared, Reno Closes Investigation
Ponte Vedra Piranha November 6

"After an exhaustive and thorough investigation of the Ponte Vedra organization, we have determined that despite a lack of judgement demonstrated on the part of Commissioner White, his behavior did not rise to the level of an impeachable offense," announced a tired, but happy-looking Janet Reno. "With regards to Mr. Day, I have accepted his explanation that the camera installed in the Mankato locker room was merely there in the interests of providing anti-terrorist security. There is no question of blackmail, after all, the whole league knows what flamers they are up there, I mean, they make me look... anyhow... okay, that's all...."

The former Attorney General refused all questions, and the Florida Times-Union reported that she was leaving this afternoon on a fourteen-day cruise in the company of two former Piranha employees, Jill Kelly and Kobe Tai. The Times-Union also reported that a recent check for $150,000 was deposited yesterday by the Reno gubernatorial campaign. No Ponte Vedra officials were willing to make any formal statement, but off the record one spokesman denied any knowledge of the unidentified campaign contribution.



Commissioner Discusses Contraction
Ponte Vedra Piranha November 7

"Major League Baseball isn't the only league with financial issues," said MFL Commissioner Whizzer White. "The competitive imbalance in this league is the result of a structural problem that we're going to have to address. Maybe we expanded too fast, maybe we just need to get rid of a few teams."

When asked if the 0-8 record posted by the new Caserta franchise was the problem to which he was referring, the Commissioner answered in the negative

"No, there's no structural problem there, that's just really an issue of incompetent management taking bad advice from females. It's the same problem Naples has been facing for the last two years. Besides if we contracted either of those teams, who would want their players? No, we're still in the research phase, but I do have some serious concerns regarding whether a small farming community like Baldwin can continue to support an MFL team, and clearly, the vagabond nature of the Greenfield franchise is indicative of a real problem building a steady fan base."

In related news, a spokesman for Carl Pohlad indicated that the former banker had an interest in purchasing the Grizzlies, though only if the team's lease at Grizzly Stadium could be renegotiated.



Navahos Coach Denounces League and Changes Name
Naples Navahos November 8

In an unprecedented event before a jam-packed conference room full of rapid reporters, Navahos Coach Mist-in-Morning made candid remarks regarding his feelings towards the MFL.

"You now see before you a great warrior that has back broken by weight of burden! Proudly, me suffer as coach of team with red, white and blue color that mock Navaho Nation!" He swallowed hard as his face angered further before he added, "This offense that Commissioner White-man has placed on the colors of Navaho team had been Red-Man's burden in MFL! Now, Boss White-man think Navaho not good for league to play more. Me stay silent no more! Name for me now Mist-in-Mourning to show misty dew of tears of Navaho ancestors! "

Suddenly, behind the stage a body appeared into the light: "I FUNDA SUPPART THE RED PEOPLE!!!" Jesse "Can I get a Mistress?" Jackson then grabbed the microphone to further exclaim: "It don' matta if yo' black, red, yellow or green! There is no honor in fighting this war we call football under the White Man's colors! It is a disgrace to the cula' people and WE SHALL STAND UNITED in our fight against Commissioner White-Man!!! This is a time of great trial and we must persevere...."

When a reporter asked if "The Reverend" was referring to Coach Mourning's trial or his own personal and financial misfortunes, "The Reverend" merely looked dumbfounded. As Jesse wiped his sweaty brow and contemplated a retort, Coach Mourning suddenly lurched to his knees cutting a portion of his shoulder while screaming in an unknown tongue. He then started dancing as he spurted blood all around him and anyone who happened to near him. As Jesse attempted to wipe down his brand-new pinstripe suit, Coach Mourning reached into a small leather bag around his waist and started tossing out the unknown substance into the crowd of reporters.

The press conference ended when a voice in the rear of the room cried, "ANTHRAX!!"



Pohlad and Stahl Seen At Manny's
Greenfield Grizzlies November 8

Tim Stahl, owner and GM of the Greenfield Grizzlies, and Carl Pohlad were seen at a Manny's bar table smoking cubans and laughing loudly last night. When the waiter was coaxed into revealing the nature of their conversation, he said the only thing he heard was Stahl say "For $250M you can call them the MaryJane's and they'll play in your freakin' living room!" Neither owner was available for comment.



Financial Trouble for the Cocktails
Colorado Cocktails November 8

It’s getting more and more difficult for Colorado to play football this year as Old Mile High, the Cocktails home stadium, is being slowly dismantled around them. Last week the fans had to stand because the seats had been auctioned off to pay for Invesco Field. This week the sod is being auctioned. “I hope the Piranha like playing on dirt”, said Elwee, who’s team has been trying several new cleat options.

Owner Ben Lunstad has chained himself to one of the taps in “Le Admirals Lounge” under the misguided impression that the wrecking balls are on their way. “Somebody’s making money but it ain’t us….. I’ll stay here as long as I have to….”, choked Mr. Lunstad between keg stands. It remains to be seen if Colorado taxpayers will support a new stadium for the Cocktail. The votes for the stadium bill, referendum 123ALC32Fsub76A, are now being counted. Early polling suggested a losing race. However, a last minute add campaign launched by the N.W.O. under the slogan, “A vote against referendum 123ALC32Fsub76A means you hate kids and want child molesters living in your neighborhood," may have gained the bill enough votes. Rumors suggest that the Cocktails will be victims of contraction if a new stadium is not built for them.



Westies owner offers contraction plan
Westfield Westies November 10

Westfield Owner Adam Landvik unveiled his plan to ease the pains of over-expansion this morning at this mornings press conference at Culvers in Vadnais Heights. "I think we've all learned this year that what the MFL needs is a developmental league. As the disaster known as Caserta has proven, the rigors of the MFL can overwhelm the inexperienced. Next year, Caserta and the Euro-Sissy himself should begin play in the new MFL-Euroupe. Caserta would have the opportunity to compete on a level playing field and we, the AMERICAN owners, would rid our league of the under-the-table Euro-trash commish." The MFL will vote on this proposal next week at the monthly owners meeting.



Cahill Predicts Caserta Upset
Ponte Vedra Piranha November 11

"My man Tim has lost touch with the common folk," said Ponte Vedra coach Lonzell Cahill, standout player and former head coach for Stahl's Greenfield organization. "He don't care none about his fan base or his coaching staff, all he wants is to get in good with rich old stiffs like Pohlad and Jerry Jones. He wants to be Jerry Jones, is what I think, he got rid of his GM and his coaches and that's why he's gonna lose this week; Caserta ain't got no skill or knowhow, but at least they play with some fire in the old belly."

A spokesman for Tim Stahl said that the Greenfield Owner/GM/Head Coach/Cheerleading Choreographer was too busy to comment, as he was involved in lobbying the Greenfield City Council for a reduction in his team's stadium lease. The spokesman denied that a mid-season move to Chanhassen was in the works, and said that the stadium renegotiations were merely "an attempt to reflect the new financial realities in this time of potential contraction."



Piranha GM agrees with Westfield
Ponte Vedra Piranha November 11

"I think Mr. Landvik's suggestion is a good one," responded Piranha GM Vox Day when asked about the Westfield owner's contraction plan. "And if I were to field a squad consisting solely of myself in some sort of MFL-Europe, I have no doubt that I would easily defeat the Caserta See-our-record-of-eight-losses-and-no-wins."

The stylish GM grinned and tugged at his Valentino necktie as he added: "I'll beat the Westies too, as long as I can play them in the postseason. Erk! Erk!"



Kurt Loder Releases Secret Al Qaeda Memo!
Naples Navahos November 12

Omar-

Ah, my darling #2! While I admire your ambition to kill me and be the leader of our rank and dirty team of Muslim jihadic sheep, I must inform you that upon my impending death, you will in no circumstance be the leader of Al Queda. Bobee Mumanu, my pet goat, has kept me warm, inspired and well-satisfied during these troubling times. While he is merely a goat, I have noticed many characteristics of leadership as he is a tremendous motivator and has a very invigorating effervescence, especially during hard, physically enduring activities. Please keep this in mind whenever you have evil thoughts to kill me and remember to ask yourself: WHO DOES #2 WORK FOR!

Anyway, on different subject, could you let me know your thoughts on the these motivating cave posters? These were Bobee's idea's, aren't they great? I think these will motivate the troops as weapons of mass destruction are dropping everywhere.

"Hide in Pride"
"One mortal life or countless women. Any Questions?"
"WWAD: What would Allah Do?"
"To die is to live"

-Usama



WEEK NINE RESULTS

43.19 Baldwin Wallabies 7-2-0 .778 302.59 W-6
33.42 Westfield Westies 4-5-0 .444 255.91 L-3
35.66 Apple Valley Harlots 7-2-0 .778 275.59 W-4
27.27 Mankato Hummingbirds 3-6-0 .375 262.27 L-2
35.57 Ponte Vedra Piranha 6-3-0 .666 274.58 W-2
31.91 Colorado Cocktails 4-5-0 .444 288.99 L-1
31.81 Naples Navahos 4-5-0 .375 286.73 W-1
23.01 Savage Angels 5-4-0 .555 284.87 L-1
38.28 Caserta Sealions 1-8-0 .111 218.51 W-1
35.26 Greenfield Grizzlies 4-5-0 .444 263.08 L-2




Westfield's fall from grace
Apple Valley Harlots November 12

Clearly, this MFL season has been a troubling one for my arch enemy Westfield. After this week they will have a 4-5 record and have lost three in a row. I've seen them put up some Caserta-like totals as well - eleven total points here, thirteen total points there. The school for the deaf and blind can put up more points than that. I used to respect Westfield and the micro-managing technique that Landvik pioneered. But now, hmmm, pass the beer nuts. Westfield's place as the team with the highest overall winning percentage is in dire straits. Here come the Harlots!



Piranha GM Rushed to Hospital
Ponte Vedra Piranha November 13

A Ponte Vedra spokesman announced Tuesday morning that the team's general manager, Vox Day, had been rushed to the hospital late Monday night. Apparently Day had burst his spleen laughing at Greenfield Control Freak/Wearer of Many Hats Tim Stahl after the Grizzlies handed the Caserta Sealions their first win.

The operation was successful and a full recovery is expected.



Denny Green interviews with Barbra Walters
Westfield Westies November 13

In an exclusive interview with Barbra Walters, Westie coach Dennis Green lambasted his critics and unveiled his master plan to reach the playoffs and win the coveted Loki Cup. "All the negativity in this town sucks! Everyone in my locker room knows that the slow start is a part of THE MASTER PLAN. My master plan is going to get us into the playoffs again this year, just like it did last year after our slow start."

"As for that racist pizz-unk up in Apple Valley, he can forget about getting ahold on to the all-time winning percentage crown. That racist pig has been after me for the past two years. He tried to scare me out of the league this offseason. That burning cross in my yard may have scared off the neighboors. And that black doll with a knife in the head and blood on the dress with a note that said "this is your daughter Denny Green" may have frightened off my daughters friends, but that doesn't faze Denny Green. Were not done fighting yet!"



Strange Phone Call to Westfield Front Office
Naples Navahos November 13

I'm so glad your in my neighborhood!
In my neighborhood!
In my neigh-bor-ho-od!
I'm so glad your in my neighborhood!
In my neighborhood!
In my neigh-bor-ho-od!

Now YOU tell me how it feels to be on top of merely the limpy Humjobs and the Caserta "ORF ORF...Please give me a Win Tim!" Sealions!

Caller Id listed the area code as 941.



Tanya Harding Hired as New Grizzlies Coach
Greenfield Grizzlies November 13

In response to the team's two-game losing streak, the Greenfield Grizzlies have named Tanya Harding their new head coach. "We have been putting up some points, but we just can't pull out a win." said Tim Stahl, Greenfield's GM. "You score 35 and lose to Caserta?! Clearly we need some knee bashing around here!"

Ms Harding was not available for comment. Her PR firm said she was shopping at Menards.



Press Conference Held on Winning Percentage
Greenfield Grizzlies November 13

The MFL held a press conference Monday to address the statistical significance of having the highest winning percentage in League history. Unfortunately no-one from the press attended because it doesn't matter a lick. Either you have a ring or you don't. All ring bearers - please raise your hands! Bud Grant was seen outside waiting to be interviewed.



Press Conference Held on All Time Best Losing Percentage
Apple Valley Harlots November 13

A press conference was held today at the Greenfield Red Carpet Inn to address the issue of who has the best losing percentage in MFL history. None of the press corp showed up except Herb Schmidstky, sports columnist for the Greenfield Gay Times. Coincidentally, only two MFL teams were represented at the press conference: Greenfield and Caserta. A fight broke out between the two teams' representatives about who should get the bragging rights to the notorious title. Tonja Harding was seen taking a plumbing-like pipe to the leg of the Caserta rep. The pipe still bore a Menard's sticker.



Landvik petitions league to renounce previous Loki Cups
Westfield Westies November 13

Westfield owner Adam Landvik is petitioning fellow MFL owners to renounce two of the three previous Loki Cup winners. "Does anyone really believe that Andrew would have had a chance had Stahl and him not conspired for a last minute drop-and-sign of key players? Even more pathetic is Stahl bragging about his Loki Cup win in a videogame contest. After three years of our MFL, Stahl has proven time and again that the only cup he is capable of winning is the Toilet Bowl."

Landvik has removed the Loki Cup plaques from Stahl's videogame victory and Lunstad's ringer team from team headquarters in Vadnais Heights and urges the other owners to follow suit.



Naples on High Alert
Naples Navahos November 13

In a short, intimate press conference late Tuesday night Owner/GM Jeffrey Beale commented on the recent issues in Greenfield:

"We are getting geared up for Week 13 when we meet Greenfield. Not only are we focusing on a hopeful playoff run, but also to the drama surrounding the game. The propaganda out of the Greenfield front office concerning their "championship" has not concerned me in the past. I just figured that it was the tainting of the water supply, perhaps out of spite from a ex-Venom fan, that caused this para-reality. Now, with the addition of Tonya Harding, we are not ruling out any extreme measure to which this organization will go to try and dominate this league. You can talk about Bush League championships all day long, but it is a different level of concern for me when a coaching staff is headed by a known terrorist."

Beale went on to display key aspects of his defense plan on his large diagram, without leaking too many crucial details. However he did alude to adding four separate bomb squads, high alert status of F-15 fighters, large automatic machine guns and 2,000 battle-proven Hessian soldiers. As the short conference ended a reporter asked him to comment on the bizarre atmosphere surrounding his distraught coach and Jesse Jackson, Beale thought for a moment and said: "I cannot disclose any information on financial contrabutions to Rev. Jackson's cause. As for Coach Mourning...well...at least he's not smoking crack!"



Nelson Speaks
Savage Angels November 14

From the desk of Andrew Nelson:

Mr. Landvik,
Your team sucks.

Andrew Nelson
Savage Angels, Owner/GM
THE DEFENDING LOKI CUP CHAMPIONS



Winners (not Losers!) Respond to Landvik
Greenfield Grizzlies November 14

"He's like these gangster players of today. No sense of history," said Lonzell Cahill, first MFL and Loki Cup MVP, of the Westfield owner's nonsensical petition. "All the Johnny-come-nevers do is try and change the rules or change history so they matter. The only way to matter is to win. Other than that - all I hear is yakin' and yankin'"

"Lonzell is correct," said Al Michaels, the orignal voice of the MFL. "Do the great Green Bay teams not matter because there was no Super Bowl at the time? Does Dallas's second Super Bowl victory mean any less because they added Deion Sanders late in the season? No one removes the names of winners from championship cups. It's the losers everyone forgets. You don't see Apple Valley, with a great chance at winning the cup this year, Ponte Vedra, one of the original franchises, or Savage, last year's winners, bitching like little girls. Learn how to win youngblood - you clearly already know how to talk."



Harding Seen In Ponte Vedra Home Depot Plumbing Dept
Greenfield Grizzlies November 14

The Weekly World News reported a sighting of Tanya Harding in the pipe section of the Ponte Vedra Home Depot "browsing" through various piping options Tuesday. When approached the woman adamantly claimed her name was Katarina Witt, that she was an exchange student studying iceography, and she had no idea why the reporter was talking to her. When pressed further she was heard to scream "Back-off! You like walking, bitch!!!???"



JerryBurns seen wrestling Tanya Harding in PV
Greenfield Grizzlies December 7

Another sighting of ex-Apple Valley coach Jerry Burns. This time several witnesses at Ponte Vedra's Home Depot noticed Burnsie entagled with Tanya Harding in the plumbing aisle. Said one witness, Dick Tripp, "there was this huge sale on plumbing items -you know - pipes and shit - and there was one pipe left. That's when the battle ensued. Harding kicked Burnsie in the moose knuckles but he didn't even flich - almost like there was nothing there - and then he put Harding into this massive headlock and followed it up with a figure four-like move that would inspire Baron Von Runsky. The bitch was screaming in agony. Burnsie, with a vein popping out of his head, was shouting "who's your mammy?, who's your mammy?" while his Winston hung from the corner of his lip. When all was said and done Harding laid sprawled out unconscious in the plumbing aisle. Burnse was last seen running to a nearby liquor store with the lone pipe in hand. "He was foaming at the mouth", claimed a witness.

Marcus Bolton, owner of the Harlots, had this to say, "I don't know who this guy is that keeps posing as Jerry Burns. We laid him to rest several weeks ago after that tragic beer can incident. It's one hell of a masquerade whoever it is."



Piranha Address Harding Incident
Ponte Vedra Piranha November 15

"I definitely would!" said GM Vox Day, when asked about the recent Tanya Harding sighting in the wealthy oceanfront town of Ponte Vedra Beach. When there was no response from the stunned press corps, the inveterate dater of insanely hot women laughed and explained that he was joking. "Haven't you ever heard of Ali G? Man, get your heads out of Afghanistan for two minutes, would you? Yo, Maradona! And no, I wouldn't take that fat-legged psycho out to the trash, much less to the fine dining establishments I habitually frequent. Now Nancy Kerrigan, I'd consider, except those big buck teeth are really a bit much."

Coach Lonzell Cahill only rolled his eyes when asked about Harding, preferring instead to talk about the team she would be coaching this upcoming weekend. "Greenfield can't beat us without the Big Walleye. It's no accident that they've been in free fall since... since he passed away. We've got Donovan going against Dallas, we've got Smith stepping up his game, Mr. Day has acquired some excellent new talent to finally give us some depth, and even Toomer might catch something against those purple-clad pretenders soiling the sacred colors this season. They've got Curtis Martin and no Big Walleye, on the other hand."

The Ponte Vedra coach wiped away a tear and pointed at the sky in memory of his former coach, mentor, and spiritual guru, then predicted a twelve-point Piranha victory.



Cahill Demands Credit, Predicts Westfield Defeat
Ponte Vedra Piranha November 17

"I'm the Nostradamus of this league," declared Ponte Vedra coach Lonzell Cahill. "I was right on with the Caserta upset, and I told ya'll a long time ago that the dude in Naples was an extremist towelhead. F-15s and Hessians, what's next, suicide bombers? Someone oughtta get his mama on the phone and tell that white boy to settle down and focus on the football. What is he, three and six?"

The former crack black quartback jack went on to demand a return of his week two fine money, and said that Westfield was "definitely" going to lose to Caserta this week.



WEEK TEN RESULTS

45.59 Naples Navahos 5-5-0 .500 332.32 W-2
33.42 Baldwin Wallabies 7-3-0 .700 336.58 L-1
26.94 Colorado Cocktails 5-5-0 .500 315.93 W-1
26.70 Apple Valley Harlots 7-3-0 .700 302.29 L-1
27.92 Savage Angels 6-4-0 .600 312.79 W-1
20.19 Mankato Hummingbirds 3-7-0 .300 282.46 L-3
53.60 Greenfield Grizzlies 5-5-0 .500 316.68 W-1
22.23 Ponte Vedra Piranha 6-4-0 .600 296.81 L-1
47.99 Westfield Westies 5-5-0 .500 303.90 W-1
22.79 Caserta Sealions 1-9-0 .100 241.30 L-1




Cahill's Crystal Ball Gets Foggy
Greenfield Grizzlies November 18

"Seems he can't predict an ass-whuppin'," said a satisfied coach Harding after the annihilation of Ponte Vedra on Sunday. "Let's see now, Westfiled will definately lose - nope, and his teams gets destroyed by the very team he laughed out loud about - oh yeah - for the second time this year. Quite a prophet that Cahill is. Thank goodness we bought those Beat-a-Beale coupons early in the season. Need a pick me up? On a losing streak? Beat-a-Beale. It's oh so satisfying. And as for satifying black men, I don't think Cahill could get me to do a single camel."



Beale Announces Replacement Troops
Naples Navahos November 20

In an undisclosed cigar lounge in Las Vegas, Owner/GM Jeffrey Beale puffed on a fresh rolled cigar, while drinking a Nuts 'n' Berries Martini as he commented on various events surrounding the MFL:

"With a shaken mix of Kahlua, Chambord and Irish Creme, this mid-afternoon cocktail signifies exactly where we kicked those Wallabies! A big victory last week and upcoming Caserta next should put us right back into where we want to be; the hunt for the Loki Cup!" Beale praised as he smiled at the beautiful entourage surrounding him, "Looks like those millions spent on my receivers are paying off! Just as soon as the critics molded on my Moss!"

As the room ceased from echoing with laughter, Beale finished his drink as he ended the short time in front of his chosen journalists saying: "Harding has spread her legs and terror long enough!!! Now, she has an openly racist attitude and we need to be pro-active in solution



Harlots Sink To New Low; Threat of League Penalties Pends
Baldwin Wallabies November 20

From the AP:
This email exchange was recently acquired by Special Counsel Janet Reno, who despite being relieved by the commissioner of her duties to find tampering in the MFL, steadfastly worked for the betterment of the league. Mr. Bolton and the Commish were unavailable for comment. But it does appear the Commish is done with the favoritism and Mr. Bolton is trying to find a lame deer...

-----Original Message-----
From: Bolton, Marcus
Sent: Tuesday, November 20, 2001 1:32 PM
To: Nelson, Andrew
Subject:
hey Nelson: pick up Kordell Stewart and trade him to me for Kitna. I want to dump Kitna. You can keep him if you want. He's too damn streaky for me. Can you help a brother out? It won't impact our matchup in any way.
Marcus Bolton

-----Original Message-----
From: Nelson, Andrew
Sent: Tuesday, November 20, 2001 1:37 PM
To: Bolton, Marcus
Subject: RE:
That wouldn't be fair to everyone else in the league. Sorry.

-----Original Message-----
From: Bolton, Marcus
Sent: Tuesday, November 20, 2001 1:40 PM
To: Nelson, Andrew
Subject: RE:
whaddya mean? nobody has taken Kordell Stewart all freaking year long. there's nothing unfair about it. the only reason I'm asking you is because I didn't realize there was a limit on roster moves.



Owners vote to contract Apple Valley
Westfield Westies November 20

Due to the recent finding of one Janet Reno, the MFL must act quickly and swiftly to remove this cancer from our sacred league. I suggest we kick his sorry cheatin' ass out of the league today!



Bolton is a Cheating Son of a B*&tch!
Greenfield Grizzlies November 20

Enough is enough. I vote Apple Valley has to play every game for the rest of the year one running back short.



No illegality in seeking trade says GM Bolton
Apple Valley Harlots November 21

Botlon answers critics. In an interview with Barbara Walters Bolton had this to say, "It is true I sought a trade with Andrew Nelson of Savage. But what Mr. Lundstad and Ms. Reno (who I believe are sleeping together and enjoying the butt sex) failed to acknowledge is that I also offered up Baltimore's defense as part of the trade, which Mr. Nelson has agreed to accept. This is no different than any other trade. no rules are broken. I am simply out of roster moves and have approached Mr. Nelson via email about striking a deal. Maybe Mr. Lundstand of Baldwin should get off his high horse and focus on how he is going to deal with Apple Valley when they come to kick his ass and break the tie for first place.



The Curse of the Big Walleye
Ponte Vedra Piranha November 21

"I cannot believe it," said mystified Piranha GM Vox Day, addressing reporters after Ponte Vedra's blowout defeat at the hands of the Greenfield Grizzlies. "Clearly there's some bad voodoo or something going on, because there's no way that team of itinerant meth peddlers should have beaten us last weekend. I heard their owner is shacked up with a gypsy, maybe she put the evil eye on us or something."

A Greenfield spokesman denied reports of black magic, stating that the Piranha had instead suffered at the late hands of the Big Walleye, whose spirit was apparently angered that the Florida team failed to wear the black jockstraps they had sworn to wear in his honor after his untimely demise. "Best not to mess with the Big Walleye, dead or alive," the spokesman said.

When asked about the most recent controversy to hit the MFL this season, GM Day only said that he was "utterly shocked" to hear Baldwin GM Dan Lunstad was involved with Janet Reno. "That's just nasty," he said. "Man, I think you guys just ruined my lunch."



J. Beale Speaks to Harlot trade Issue
Naples Navahos November 23

Enjoying Creme Brule outside a local posh eatery in South Naples, Navahos Owner/GM spoke about the recent trade issue with the Apple Valley Harlots. "Shady? Yes. Illegal? Probably not. Their front office definatley had some balls trying to pull that move, but I in no way support any repurcutions from their actions. Let's just cancel the proprosed transaction and move on. There is football to be played, not courtroom battles to be fought and now is a time for unity in the these turbulent times in the MFL."

When asked if Beale's neutrality and 'forgive and forget' attitude had any connection to a large business contract involving a satellite broadcast company that Beale owns and the City of Apple Valley, the interview quickly ended.

After three tables were overturned and two male servers assulted, Beale quickly left the scene being dragged by a pair of bodyguards. A number of explitives and threats were made amidst the momentary solo brouhaha, but as his heels were scraping on the pavement, Beale screamed: "WHAT IS IT GOING TO COST FOR ME TO PROVE TO YOU JACKALS THAT I AM A DECENT MAN!!!"



New offer for the City of Apple Valley
Naples Navahos November 23

The City Council and Board of Regulators have unanimously voted that the City will now offer free satalite television to every household. A unidentified representative offered this statement: "In the spirit of fairness and the notion that all things shall be created equal, we have wholly supported the recent idea to offer free satalite television for every household. Now, rich and poor may together delve into this new opportunity of entertainment." After a brief applause by a small group of Apple Valley residents, the spokesman added, "This also offers a new medium for which the leaders of the great City of Apple Valley may communicate to their fellow citizens. In this great balance, we have also created another subsudized plan for those who cannot afford a television."

The spokesman then passed out a pinpointed map of where the potential sites for the massive dish would be located to support the large feed for the city. After declaring that the dish would symbolize a bowl of nurishment that will feed the minds of the people, a random journalist asked if this notion would also take form in the area of automobiles and other road transportation. The spokesman frowned and sharply retorted:

"Don't be silly."



WEEK ELEVEN RESULTS

37.44 Savage Angels 7-4-0 .636 350.23 W-2
30.93 Apple Valley Harlots 7-4-0 .636 333.22 L-2
30.89 Mankato Hummingbirds 4-7-0 .364 313.35 W-1
23.85 Baldwin Wallabies 7-4-0 .636 360.43 L-2
38.15 Westfield Westies 6-5-0 .545 342.05 W-2
27.88 Ponte Vedra Piranha 6-5-0 .545 324.69 L-2
44.94 Greenfield Grizzlies 6-5-0 .545 361.62 W-2
23.90 Colorado Cocktails 5-6-0 .454 339.83 L-1
30.63 Naples Navahos 6-5-0 .545 362.95 W-3
23.53 Caserta Sealions 1-10-0 .091 264.83 L-2




Top Two Turkeys Get Roasted on Thanksgiving Week
Greenfield Grizzlies November 26

The Apple Valley Harlots and Baldwin Wallabies were pulled back to the pack this week, each reconrding their second L in a row, and making this MFL playoff race an eight-team affair once again. "Bolton is all cheat and no finish, and Lunstad is too busy calling his mom all day telling her about bad sh%t his two brothers did when they were kids to focus on finishing strong," said a satisfied Tanya Harding after her second decisive victory in a row at the helm of the Grizzlies.

"I think Savage and Westfield are the two teams to fear, myself. We know you can beat Ponte Vedra with like six guys, and Naples is too dainty to get their uniforms dirty and actually play hard. A Steve Spurrier-like points run up is going to get the last team into the final four this year. The race is on!"



Harlots not done in week ten yet
Apple Valley Harlots November 26

I predict a surprising turn of events in which the AV Harlots will overcome a twelve-point deficit with their defense and kicker in tonight's game and beat the Savage Packers, errr Angels. "It will be sweet revenge for what Savage did to us in our last matchup when the Harlots had a solid twelve-point advantage going into a Monday night game", said coach Bud Grant. Why is it every time we play Savage the Packers play the worst damn team in the league and rack up big points? Last time it was Washington and this time it was Detroit. The theory is that Andrew Nelson is collecting Packer players to complete his set of action figures and get free lifetime admittance to the Cheese Barn in the Milwaukee County Fair. "They have delightful cheese curds and the women are so full-figured", he was quoted as saying.



WEEK TWELVE RESULTS

29.41 Apple Valley Harlots 8-4-0 .667 362.63 W-1
27.01 Baldwin Wallabies 7-5-0 .583 387.44 L-3
51.20 Savage Angels 8-4-0 .667 401.43 W-3
31.58 Colorado Cocktails 5-7-0 .417 371.41 L-2
48.32 Westfield Westies 7-5-0 .583 390.37 W-3
36.48 Greenfield Grizzlies 6-6-0 .500 398.10 L-1
37.89 Ponte Vedra Piranha 7-5-0 .583 362.58 W-1
27.82 Naples Navahos 6-6-0 .500 390.77 L-1
36.91 Caserta Sealions 2-10-0 .167 301.74 W-1
19.45 Mankato Hummingbirds 4-8-0 .333 332.80 L-1




It's Time to Put up or Shut Up!!
Greenfield Grizzlies December 7

You're my bitch this weekend Beale! Love, Tanya Harding



Navaho Owner Pulls Out All Stops with Visiting Grizzlies
Naples Navahos December 8

In a press conferance early Saturday morning, Owner/GM Beale alerted the city to the arrival of Greenfield Grizzlies and their much feared leader, Tanya Harding. Beale has taken every pre-cautionary measure with the presence of Harding, who is a known terrorist, in town. F-15 fighter planes began their hourly cruise around the city limits about the time that the Grizzlies flew in. Strict rationing of Ganja was ordered for Beale's Rasta Freedom Fighters in an effort to increase the awareness of the troops. A small ration is allowed for the "cost-effective" mercanaries to avoid any potential racial tensions caused by Harding that could lead to any measure of chaos in Naples, Florida.
The normal security team for Beale was doubled this week after a sexually perverse threat came from letter signed by Harding. In an effort to avoid becoming Harding's "Bitch," Beale has all members of his security team working overtime and has had his butt cheeks sealed for precautionary measures.
"This franchise may have changed names," Beale commented standing rather stiff, "but I am fully aware of the history of the sexual perversity of this organization. I'm pulling out all stops, even if it means covering my ass and not drinking any Slimfasts!"



Stahl predicts Miami Defense will score 27
Greenfield Grizzlies December 10

"Peytoin Manning is an interception-for-a-touchdown throwing punk! We will triumph!!!!!!!"



WEEK THIRTEEN RESULTS

30.41 Baldwin Wallabies 8-5-0 .615 417.85 W-1
24.93 Savage Angels 8-5-0 .615 426.36 L-1
32.24 Westfield Westies 8-5-0 .615 422.61 W-4
24.11 Colorado Cocktails 5-8-0 .385 395.52 L-3
25.22 Caserta Sealions 3-10-0 .231 326.96 W-2
18.33 Apple Valley Harlots 8-5-0 .615 380.96 L-1
46.77 Naples Navahos 7-6-0 .538 437.54 W-1
32.80 Greenfield Grizzlies 6-7-0 .462 430.90 L-2
35.71 Mankato Hummingbirds 5-8-0 .385 368.51 W-1
31.85 Ponte Vedra Piranha 7-6-0 .538 394.43 L-1




The "Bud Grant Guarantee" in Apple Valley
Apple Valley Harlots December 10

At Harlots stadium this afternoon Bud Grant called a press conference to address his team and fans in the wake of a self-induced loss to lowly Caserta. "I apologize for the most emabrassing loss in Harlots team history. The recent trade we made came through over the weekend and caught us by surprise. We should have started Ricky Williams and Mr. Jerry Rice and subsequently defeated the wretched SeaLions. I take sole responsibility for the loss. I handed it over to the worst team in MFL history. Now let's get one thing straight - THIS TEAM WILL MAKE THE PLAYOFFS. IN FACT, THIS TEAM WILL NOT LOSE ANOTHER GAME FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE SEASON!"

The "Bud Grant Guarantee", as it came to be known, was met with much jubilation as the crowd chanted "Ricky, Ricky, Ricky" for their new running back Ricky Williams.



Apple Valley Does Not Belong
Savage Angels December 10

From the desk of Owner/GM Andrew Nelson:

The AV Harlots making the playoffs is the BIGGEST JOKE in MFL history. Bud Grant is a below average coach with a below average squad and his luck will run out. PREDICTION: AV lose the remainder of their games and is stuck in the Toilet Bowl.

Andrew Nelson
Owner/GM of The Savage Angels
THE DEFENDING LOKI CUP CHAMPS



Savage Packers Will Go Down in Playoffs
Apple Valley Harlots December 10

Savage Angels my ass, these guys should be called the Savage Meat Packers. Isn't there a rule about having too much pukey green color on one roster? Ever since the season started this Andrew Nelson jerk off has been collecting Packer bobble heads like they were going out of style. Have some whine with your cheese. If anybody doesn't belong in this league it's the Savage Meat Packers. And the standings at the end of the season will reflect it.



Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is!!
Savage Angels December 10

From the Savage Angels' Stat room:
2001 Records:
Apple Valley v. Savage Angels
0 - 2
Andrew Nelson
Owner/GM The Savage Angels
THE DEFENDING LOKI CUP CHAMPS



From the desk of Nostradamus...
Apple Valley Harlots December 10

2002 Loki Cup Championship:
AV Harlots: 30
Savage Meat Packers: 10
(Game notes: Favre breaks leg in first quarter. Ahman Green caught snorting Bill Schroeder's jock - suffers chronic lung condition)

2002 Toilet Bowl:
Baldwin Wannabies: .5
Westfield Crusties: .75

2002 Meaningless side games:
Naples 'hos: 325
Ponte Vedra Guppies: 25




Baldwin Suggests New Addendum For Next Year's League
Baldwin Wallabies December 10

GM/Coach Dan Lunstad issued a memorandum to MFL owners about a rule change for next year's league. In addition to the limited roster moves a team is allowed to make, Mr. Lunstad believes that a limit should be placed on the number of posts each team is allowed to make.

"Hey, I like the smack talking as much as anyone, but the garbage coming out of some of these teams just isn't worth reading. It's pretty clear that Apple Valley has an inferiority complex about their record compared to their point total and Hessian soldiers? What the hell is that?" said a frustrated Lunstad. "It's too bad a few bad apples have to ruin it for everybody."

The rule change will be voted on by the owners at the annual meeting to be held in Baldwin.



Stahl and Bud Grant Seen leaving Downtown Crack house
Naples Navahos December 10

From the Desk of Kurt Loder In other MFL news, Owner/GM of the Naples Navahos, Jeffrey M. Beale, was rushed to the hospital after a chemical solution failed to breakdown the substance holding his butt cheeks together. This exteme pre-cautionary measure was undertaken as Beale was concerned with yet another sexual assult from a Grizzly/Venom representative. Beale could not be reached for comment, but as his stretcher was being loaded into an emergency vehicle, he was heard screaming:


Performance Artist "Avogadro's Number" to coach Hummingbirds
Mankato Hummingbirds December 15

Owner and former Mankato coach in a move of startling brilliance or sheer insanity hired New York performance artist "Avogadro's Number" to coach his squad for, well, we're not sure how long. Perhaps Mr. Number can explain.
"I am Avogadro's Number, not Mr. Number, please. My term as heading life spirit of this football team will last until one of three things happens: The Dog Star Sirius's third satellite completes three circumlocutions, we achieve world peace on this planet, our planet makes contact with an extraterrestrial intelligence"
"Why E.T?"
"At such a time, I will lead the Hummingbirds to the stars to represent our planet as emissaries of peace and SMASHMOUTH FOOTBALL! WHO'S YOUR DADDY?! THE INTERSTELLAR MAMA?! THE INTERSTELLAR PAPA?! ahem... You see," AN explained to the suddenly cowed explorer, "whomever represent our planet will have to be expect the unexpected."
Ah...
"In the mean time it is my quest to lead this team to victory in both the actual and metaphorical sense."
I am afraid to ask, but what do you mean by a metaphorical victory?
"A metaphorical victory brings rain to the dry plains of Mankato, in an titular victory we score more points than the other team. You see?"
"In any case, I must run now because my team and I are creating pottery to represent our fears in this weekend's game. We will smash them to bits on the field of battle before the contest begins. I know, it is cheap and obvious. But these *are* football players, and we must walk before we run."



WEEK FOURTEEN RESULTS

20.61 Savage Angels 9-5-0 .692 445.75 W-1
20.05 Caserta Sealions 3-11-0 .214 347.01 L-1
39.05 Naples Navahos 8-6-0 .571 476.59 W-2
38.60 Westfield Westies 8-6-0 .571 461.21 L-1
33.29 Colorado Cocktails 6-8-0 .428 428.81 W-1
30.83 Baldwin Wallabies 8-6-0 .571 448.68 L-1
26.47 Ponte Vedra Piranha 8-6-0 .571 420.90 W-1
22.05 Apple Valley Harlots 8-6-0 .571 403.01 L-2
54.11 Mankato Hummingbirds 6-8-0 .428 422.62 W-2
37.39 Greenfield Grizzlies 6-8-0 .428 468.29 L-3




A Very Jerry X-Mas Greeting from Jerry Burns
Apple Valley Harlots December 18

Jerry Burns, the ex coach of the Apple Valley Harlots thought to have been killed earlier in the season, emerged from a dark and stinky cave system in southern Iowa to greet all the fellow MFLrs during this joyous holiday season with the following tiding:

"Merry fuc#'n christmas you fu!k'n jerkoffs. Fu#k you all and to all a good fuc#!n night". Burnsie's sudden apperance in the Des Moines area gave hope to the fledgling Harlots, who are desperately searching for a reason to win during the holidays and make it into the playoffs for the third time in their three-year existence. Said Bud Grant "I've tried everything short of a hunting boot up each player's ass. But seeing Jerry in that stinky ass cave, knowing he's been in there for 3 months with nothing but Bush's baked beans and Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, gosh, it just tugs at your heart strings. Maybe now Ricky and the boys will feel they have something to play for."

Upon hearing of the Burnsie sighting, the Des Moines police sent two squads to further investigate the rumor that Burnsie was entertaining a mysterious figure in the depths of his cave. "With Burnsie eating the baked beans and pounding the PBR, it makes for a highly combustible toxin and chemical weapon. Osama would find it very valuable", said Des Moines police spokesman Dick Manuresky.



Beale Comments on Team Status
Naples Navahos December 18

Stopped in the morning while walking into the hotel lobby of the Ritz Carlton in Naples, Florida, Jeffrey Beale made a few comments about his team's battle over adversity this season and the recent victory over Westfield:

"On paper, we were the best team hands-down, but with all the parity in the MFL, victory is 'Like a Box of Chocolates' as Forrest Gump might say!" Beale toothed a large grin as snuggled with the blonde hanging on his waist as the small crew of beat journalists and photographers chuckled loudly. "Quite a few of our marquee players struggled early on and the loss of Edgerrin James for the season really hurt our chances of continuing our quest for a Loki Cup. But our blockbuster deal to acquire Marshall Faulk by the trade deadline and the play of our "X-Factor" WR in Willey Jackson last week, gave us the momentum to be right back in the hunt! Look out MFL, here we come!"

When asked if Beale could guarantee anything, Beale said: "The only thing that I can gurantee is that the Champagne will be awaiting for our guys after next week's game, but we aren't about to start uncorking it yet. There is a mathmatical possibility of not making our first Loki Cup Playoff. I expect some sad owners that day and I don't plan to be one of them!"



Day Seeks Revenge, Looks Forward to Postseason
Ponte Vedra Piranha December 18

"We're focused, we're ready, and we're going to go medieval on Savage's pimpled buttocks," asserted an unusually acerbic Piranha GM as he addressed the media following Ponte Vedra's much-needed win over Apple Valley. "We knew we needed to win out to make the playoffs, and we're halfway there."

GM Day admitted that he was surprised at the parity in the MFL this year, and confessed that he was "disappointed" at the personnel he had provided Piranha coach Lonzell Cahill this year. "We should have been better," he insisted. "But a big welcome back to Coach Burnsie! It's clear that franchise needs the foul-mouthed prune, look at how they collapsed without him! It's too late for the Harlots now, though, and I expect Baldwin, Naples, and Savage to be joining us in the playoffs this year."



Pre-Victory Haiku
by: Savage Angels (blumpkins2001) Wednesday, December 19 12:56 PM PT A classic match up Vedra’s playoff hopes die hard Angels march onwards



WEEK FIFTEEN RESULTS

44.27 Savage Angels 10-5-0 .667 490.02 W-2
29.82 Ponte Vedra Piranha 8-7-0 .533 450.72 L-1
33.69 Naples Navahos 9-6-0 .600 510.28 W-3
29.58 Colorado Cocktails 6-9-0 .400 458.39 L-1
36.32 Mankato Hummingbirds 7-8-0 .466 458.94 W-3
34.39 Westfield Westies 8-7-0 .533 495.60 L-2
40.66 Caserta Sealions 4-11-0 .308 387.67 W-1
22.05 Baldwin Wallabies 8-7-0 .533 470.73 L-1
28.49 Greenfield Grizzlies 7-8-0 .466 496.78 W-1
25.18 Apple Valley Harlots 8-7-0 .533 428.19 L-3


FINAL REGULAR SEASON STANDINGS

1 Savage Angels 10-5-0 .667 490.02 W-2
2 Naples Navahos 9-6-0 .600 510.28 W-3
3 Westfield Westies 8-7-0 .533 495.60 L-2
4 Baldwin Wallabies 8-7-0 .533 470.73 L-1
5 Ponte Vedra Piranha 8-7-0 .533 450.72 L-1
6 Apple Valley Harlots 8-7-0 .533 428.19 L-3
7 Greenfield Grizzlies 7-8-0 .466 496.78 W-1
8 Mankato Hummingbirds 7-8-0 .466 458.94 W-3
9 Colorado Cocktails 6-9-0 .400 458.39 L-1
10 Caserta Sealions 4-11-0 .308 387.67 W-1

bold = makes playoffs


Avogadro's Number holds press conference in coffe house
Mankato Hummingbirds December 24

Reporter: Mr. Number, do you have any comments about last week's victory?
AN: Many physicists hold that the functioning of our universe is controlled by a single unifying force. Sidestepping several interesting theological questions, some phycisists have stumbled upon some high order mathematical equations that suggest that we can represent our universe with "super-strings" i.e. 11 dimensional strings that interact with our perceived four dimensions in an understandable, if not always predictable, fashion.
Last week, I attempted to engineer a victory by 'tugging' on a few of these 9 dimensional strings. We tried various methods, from placing superconducters beneath midfield and both end-zones, to sprinting counterclockwise around the field in practice. I was predicting a close victory until our opponent one-upped us by "yanking his own string" into a loss.
Reporter: ????
AN: Yes, well, early in the first quarter he began "pulling" for his running back, Stacy, to score against the mighty Purple . While a successful strategy for Stacy, apparently Mr. Landvik was not aware of the eleven dimensional implications of such an act, and caused cascading failures for the rest of his team. I like to call my new offense the "Fermi Offense". The west coast offense is so... 90's. Stay wise cats!

Announcement over PA: Avogadro's Number has left the building!



Furious Piranha To Fire Coordinator
Ponte Vedra Piranha December 24

"Coach Cahill will be back next year," announced grim-faced Ponte Vedra GM, Vox Day. "But I can't say the same for all of our coaching staff. This is an elite team which is expected to play for the Loki Cup, not the Toilet Bowl, and our fans demand more than a fifth-place finish. To miss out on the playoffs is bad enough; to miss out by losing to Mankato and Savage makes me want to spew!"

The Piranha GM did not announce which coaches would be fired, but a recent sighting of Randall Cunningham at the Green Bean coffeehouse has sparked rumors that offensive coordinator Les Steckel's job is in jeopardy. There have also been reports of Piranha employees visiting the National Endowment for the Arts, presumably in search of a performance artist in the mode of Mankato's new coach, Avogadro's Number.



My Home is Your Home - So welcome to the ToiletDome!!!!!
Greenfield Grizzlies December 24

Apple Valley Harlots GM Marcus Bolton was unavailable for comment after his last minute/last play of the regular season loss to the Greenfield Grizzlies. "He's a punk and his team is a bunch of quitters!" said Tim Stahl, Greenfield GM. "We wonder if any of his players are even going to show up to play next week? What a collapse! It's like a terrorist flew a plane into his season!" "As for Ponte Vedra's claim to have finished 5th, all I have to say is that there are two more games to play, Mr Man. And I do use that term loosely. You ain't 5th, bitch. We're all tied for 8th until the toilet bowl flushes. You gotta get past homoboy just to have a shot"



FIRST ROUND PLAYOFF RESULTS

32.53 - Savage Angels
22.61 - Baldwin Wallabies

40.57 - Naples Navahos
34.97 - Westfield Lane Westies



Westfield: The Team, The Tradition
Ponte Vedra Piranha January 1

"It's good to see there's still one franchise in this league with a right proper respect for the way things is supposed to be," said longtime MFL fan, Elmer Torvald, 82, of Scandia, Minnesota. "I reckon Westfield getting past the first round would be like them swallers not coming back to Capistrano. It just wouldn't be right!"

Westies Coach Denny Green could not be reached for comment after his third consecutive postseason loss, and tight-lipped GM Mike Lynn had little to say when accosted by reporters, except to admit that he was "a little tired of this annual embarrassment to our team and our manhood."



Vox Day Spotted in a Threesome - Of Losses!
Greenfield Grizzlies January 1

"I'm not too worried about Day and his Guppies," said a confident GM Stahl on New Year's Day. "He and his Eurobuddies might have some new currency, but they still have the same, old, tired football team we've spanked twice this year. The Toiletbowl isn't the Loki Cup by any means, but you still gotta come to play. Day got rid of Gay Lombardo last week, and old aquaintences shall be forgot, but he ain't bringin' no wins to mind this week. I've got a special place in my new estate for another Golden Plunger."



Bud Grant clears Harlots roster, plays only Jake the Snake
Apple Valley Harlots January 2

In an unprecedented MFL move that reflects his severe frustration with the team, Bud Grant dropped all players from the Apple Valley Harlots roster except Jake the Snake Plummer. Said Grant, "some might say its purely a symbolic gesture. But I say to hell with them. They sucked the last 4 games of the regular season and don't deserve to be on such a prestigious roster as that of the AV Harlots. Hell, I'd play every game with just Jake the Snake if I could. In fact, I think I will do that. I'm going to play only Jake the Snake this week and for this final game we want to be called the "Apple Valley Jake the Snakes"

Local fans questioned Grant's sanity but cheered riotously when the new logo of a "cool-ass looking snake thing with Jake Plummer's head on the end of it" was revealed by Jerry Burns as he rode through Apple Valley on his Harley.

GM Marcus Bolton defended his coach and had this to say, "Prior to this liquidation, we only had two guys who remained from our original roster. Still we kicked the crap out of the Baldwin Wannababies. Of course, lately, everybody has been doing that. But I think Bud did what we could with minimal talent and we may still even beat the Hummerbirds with just the Snake. I do, however, look forward to next season. I would like to congrat the Naples Have-a-hos on winning the league. I don't recognize teams that have all Packers on them. See ya next year suckers!"



COMMISSIONER'S NOTE - READ THIS
Ponte Vedra Piranha January 2

Gentlemen,

While we at the League Office respect the Apple Valley franchise's decision to play as few players as it likes in a largely meaningless seventh-place game, we do not wish to see his bold gesture unsettle the balance of competition in games that are meaningful.

Therefore, please note that any roster pickup of a former Apple Valley player dropped in the last 48 hours will be banned. If any franchise owner makes the mistake of ignoring this warning and chooses to pick up and play one of these banned players, the player's points will be removed subsequent to the game and no replacement player's points will be allowed.

Furthermore, all franchise owners and significant others are invited to North Oaks to watch the games and StatTracker as Naples and Savage battle it out for this year's Loki Cup. The jacuzzi has been field-tested and is in full E-F-F-E-C-T otherwise known as effect, so bring your swimsuit. Beverages will be provided, bring a snack or not, as you wish.

Whizzer White
MFL Commissioner




The Ho's aint sh*t!
Savage Angels January 3

From the desk of Andrew Nelson:

Dear Naples,

On paper your team is strong. Many people would say that you are the favorite heading into the finals, BUT you need to remember that you are a Beale. Beales lose big games ...just ask your brother. Get ready to get your ass whipped!

Andrew J. Nelson
Owner/Coach
Savage Angels
THE DEFENDING LOKI CUP CHAMPIONS




Avogadro's Number Answers questions about Harlot Hoo-Doo
Mankato Hummingbirds January 4

AN: "What is art? It is a philisophical question to be sure, but I believe the Hummingbirds' turn around at the end of this season shows it is not without practical benefit. For example, many of you in the media scoffed at our pottery distruction. Yet, the results argue for its effectiveness.

"This week some pictures leaked to the press from a practice leaked that showed our players painted black, white, Robin's Egg blue and Gentle yellow dancing around a fire, then whaling on a Bud Grant-shaped Pinata until bits of cactus and mushrooms tumbled forth.

"The somewhat puzzling revelry that followed left many skeptical as to our methods. However, while I do not want to take credit for the sudden self-destruction of our opponent's team, neither does it seem reasonable to say that the two events are unrelated...

Rest assured, the snake rising in the west can only perish from its own bitter venom!"

... at this point Mr. Number ululated in a manner reminiscent of Xena the Warrior Princess and, in a single bound, lept from the podium to the exit. It was only at this point that it became apparent that Mr. Number was without trousers...



AP: Landvik fires Green and Lynn
Westfield Westies January 5

Westfield owner Adam Landvik, disgusted by three consecutive first round playoff meltdowns, fired coach Denny Green and GM Mike Lynn. Perhaps best known for ridding the city of Vadnais Heights of the lowly Venom in 2000, the Green/Lynn era came end leaving a legacy of regular season success and playoffs losses. Landvik is interviewing candidates for a new coach for tomorrow's game. "We're turning over every stone, in reality and in the para-reality, to find a coach who can lead our team to our first playoff victory".



MFL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME

54.45 - Savage Angels
52.05 - Naples Navahos


Savage Angels

2001 MFL LOKI CUP WINNERS


MFL TOILET BOWL

34.56 - Ponte Vedra Piranha
28.72 - Greenfield Grizzlies



Harlots excited about Third Round draft pick next season
Apple Valley Harlots January 7

There was much jubilation at the Apple Valley Harlots camp today after their self-inflicted ass kicking at the hands of the Mankato Hummerbirds. Said head coach Bud Grant, "our strategy worked out well. We've positioned ourselves beautifully for next season's draft. I'm thinking maybe that a 3rd pick will get us a top notch running back or QB, something we desperately lacked this season.

"Hell, we might even take one of those squeaky Gramatica boys that resemble Vinny from Doogie Howser, M.D. Or maybe we'll take Marshall Faulk just so we can be Westfield's anti-christ. What's with those guys never winning a single playoff game anyway? They're the Rodney Dangerfields of the MFL."



Bask In My Glory
Savage Angels January 8

From the desk of Andrew Nelson:

The Loki Cup will remain atop cube D5-N937 at West Group's Eagan office for another year. Marcus, maybe with that 3rd pick in next years draft you'll finally be able to take the cup from me...HA!

Andrew Nelson
Coach/GM Savage Angels
Loki Cup Champs '00 & '01




Beale Weeps in Sackcloth, Becomes Bayougola
Naples Navahos January 8

Somewhere in the middle of the Mystical Maze within the large Botanical Garden of the University of California Berkley, Jeffrey M. Beale the tried and true leader of the Naples, Navahos wept bitter tears of sorrow. This great man had everything that commoners dream of: money, pride and countless women. However, he missed one thing: A Loki Cup Championship ring. "Pity! Pity!" He cried in sackcloth. Suddenly, the Great Spirit of Aristotle appeared in a massive whirlwind of purple smoke.
"ARISE FROM YOUR KNEE'S!!! UNDOUBTEDLY, YOU HAVE SINNED!!!
"My warriors did not fight as they once did. Their strength was not found! I lost a great warrior, but I found another...thru wit and intuition. The move carried me to the most coveted and glorious match of all and for what? For now, I must dream for the Loki Cup and drink from the Choki Chicken Cup!
"DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE LAW OF LOGIC? Quizzed Aristotle emphatically, "YOU MADE A SACRIFICE TO THE RAVEN!!! SINNER!!! HOW DARE YE PRAISE AGAINST THE MIGHTY PURPLE!!! YOUR SIN IS EQUAL TO THE LEADER OF THE FIELD IN THE WEST!!!"
"It is true, it is true!" Sobbed Beale as he pounded the ground. "I have sinned! But, even with repentance...how must I overcome the curse of my name? Must I die and return anew?"
"FREEDOM FROM THIS CURSE CAN ONLY COME WITH CHANGE! HOWEVER, YOU MUST FIRST REPENT OR FOREVER WALLOW IN YOUR SADNESS!!!
Without a moments notice ground shook violently and the trees swayed as the Purple Whirlwind gusted in circles as The Great Spirit of Aristotle left triumphantly. Beale clutched the vines in the garden to keep from arising with the Purple Whirlwind and as he prayed for his mortal life, he cried:
"FORGIVE ME GREAT AND MIGHTY PURPLE!!! I HAVE SINNED!!!"
As soon as these words were spoken, the wind stopped and Beale found himself lying atop a grassy nole. Before him was a purple crystal floating in a pool of purple paint. The Crystal was more beautiful than the mind could imagine. Hunger struck him and he ate the crystal with the reckless abandonment of a man who re-discovered his soul. Beale jumped to his feet and tore off the crusted threads that itched his body for hours and declared:
"I AM JAFFERI BAYOGOULA!!! LEADER OF THE NAPLES NAVAHOS!!! THE WARRIORS OF THE GREAT FLORIDIAN BAYOU SHALL PREVAIL!!!
The former apathetic playboy dropped to his naked knees and dressed himself with the pool of purple paint and called out to the mistresses of the garden:
"COME HITHER, SLAVES OF PRAISE!!! MAY WE FROLIC IN HEATED PLEASURE AND UNITE TOGETHER IN PURPLE MADNESS!!!



Nelson's Loki Cup in Pissing Distance from Bolton's Desk
Apple Valley Harlots January 8

Despite finishing 3rd from last in this year's whacked MFL season, Marcus Bolton, GM of the Harlots, could take great comfort in knowing that Andrew Nelson's coveted Loki Cup was just a piss away from Bolton's desk. Said Bolton, "sometimes when I'm at work - and I'm drinking all of that Jolt soda - I gotta pee real bad. The nearest restroom isn't near at all. But its nice to know I can count on Nelson's Loki Cup to be there for me when I need instant relief.

It's basically a permanent fixture now, much like the North Star that guides me in my nomadic walks on sleepless nights. The fruit flies seem to absoultely adore my urine that flows freely into his Loki Cup, in fact, they treasure it and feed upon it, value it a staple of their meaningless existence. But lately the ladies in the office have been commenting on the foul stench eminating vociferously from Andrew's little work cube. I chuckle and think to myself, "wait 'til I get the runs real bad".



BELOW IS FOR UPDATE PURPOSES ONLY

Naples Navahos November 1

Ponte Vedra Piranha November 1

Greenfield Grizzlies November 8

Colorado Cocktails November 1

Westfield Westies November 1

Mankato Hummingbirds October 1

Apple Valley Harlots November 1

Caserta Sealions October 1

Baldwin Wallabies October 1

Savage Angels January 1