MFL Posts 2001

Weeks 1-8 Weeks 9-15
The beginning of the 2001 season kicked off with two expansion teams joining the MFL as The Most Prestigious League in Sports(TM) continues to grow in size, quality, and scope. The Caserta Sealions marked the return of the MFL to Europe for the first time since the failure of the Lugano franchise, and the Colorado Cocktails are not only the third team to boast a Lunstad connection, but are the first to set up house west of the Rockies.

Rumors abounded as two teams were said to be contemplating moves. In Ponte Vedra, the notorious Vox Day was heard to have taken time off from his busy dating schedule to search for a new head coach, and correspondents regularly following the Hummingbirds have been reporting that the new team doctor hired from the Mayo clinic has significantly aided the ailing franchise in its battle against the mysterious "flue" that plagued it for much of the 2000 season.

The scoring system has been changed, although not as radically as it might at first appear from the scores. The points have been reduced by one-half on average, and fractions permitted. Touchdowns count for three points, field goals one point five points, and so forth. One point is given for every one hundred yards of passing or fifty yards rushing/receiving. And so the saga continues....



MFL 2001 Kickoff - Commish fines champions, Venom cleared
Ponte Vedra Piranha August 12

In a shocking first act of the 2001 season, MFL commissioner Byron "Whizzer" White announced that a $50,000 fine had been levied against the Savage Angels for "conduct unbecoming" stemming from remarks made by coach and team owner Andrew Nelson leading up to the 2000 championship game, a game subsequently won by Savage.

Asked to define "conduct unbecoming", the former Justice of the United States Supreme Court said "I can't tell you what it is, exactly, but I know it when I see it. And there's no place for it in this league!"

Savage team officials could not be reached for comment. In other news, the commissioner announced that the summer-long investigation into Vadnais Heights controversial "Free Meth" promotional campaign had been closed, as no league policies were found to have been violated.


Vadnais Heights Abandoned by Venom - Riots Follow
Greenfield Grizzlies August 12

The storied Venom franchise announced Tuesday their imminent departure from the city. When pressed for reasons why the move had to be made, the Big Walleye confessed, "There's just too damn much temptation in this town for my boys. With the readily available meth, the annual fireman's Booya at Heritage Days, and now a Culver's - home of the butter burger! How can anyone be expected to field a competitive team in such a sensual playground?!"

The team announced a deal with a little known farm town west of the Twin Cities called Greenfield. The franchise will be renamed the Grizzlies. Stadium naming rights were sold for $17.19 (payable over 30 years) to Don's Pipe Snaking. The new stadium will simply be know as "The Snake." Asked if the Big Walleye worried he was turning his back on his rabid fans, he answered, "The weather's better in Greenfield and the stadium is better. I'm tired of playin' in that old Terrordome. Venom fans are just gonna have to follow us to Greenfield."

Minutes after the press conference concluded, alienated fans stormed the streets, turning over cars, burning trash, attacking motorists, and looting. Constant wailing filled the night as the city relieved it's pain and dissapointment through civil unrest. When Mayor Susan Banovetz tried to quell the rioting with a public plea to redirect fan allegiance from the Venom to the remaining Vadnais Heights MFL franchise, the Westfield Westies, citizens responded by burning city hall to the ground and tarring and feathering the entire City Council.


Unbeaten Hummingbirds Prepare for Draft
Mankato Hummingbirds August 13

"Unbeaten, we are!" said coach Andrew Lunstad assessing the upcoming season. "Don't go interrupting me there you butch little weasel! If I say we're unbeaten we are!"

"Any other questions?"

Stunned silence.

"Hey you in the back! You have a joke you wanna share with the rest of us?!? The Hummingbirds are comin' atcha with a new attitude!"


Freeze move to Apple Valley, change team name
Apple Valley Harlots August 14

Citing concerns of "fu@#!g profitability", Minneapolis Freeze owner/GM/Head Coach/ass kicker/drunk Jerry Burns announced the move of his team from Minneapolis to the more affluent community of Apple Valley. Named the Harlots, the team will have a bold new look and stadium in a much more reputable community.

"This area is really fu!@n nice and the addition of this team will only make it fuc@#g better", said Burns. "Plus there's a lot of raw farmland down here and I really fuc!#@g like the smell of manure in the morning - it invigorates the fu#@!g spirit and sharpens the mind", added Burnsie.

The locals are welcoming the Harlots with open arms and have dug deep into their collective wallets to support them. Their new home will be named Trojan Stadium, after the condom company that sponsored it.


The Champion has entered the building
Savage Angels August 15

The best are back and ready to claim another championship in the weak MFL.

Coach Andrew Nelson
Savage Angels
Loki Cup Champions


Peeeee---YOU!!!
Naples Navahos August 17

That b.s. leaking out of Savage's ass really smells.

C'mon ova here ole boy! Yo' may be walkin' ova, but yo' limpin' back!


No draft at all!
Apple Valley Harlots August 22

On second thought, I don't think we should have a draft at all. I like the look of the Apple Valley Harlots at the top of the standings. It's just so, so...right. A perfect fit. It's as if everything in nature and the universe is in balance and harmonized to your listening pleasure.

But I'm confident we'll be there at the end of the season too!


Hold On! Problems with the order of draft selection!!
Apple Valley Harlots August 22

Why is the order that we pick teams sorted by our performance the year before? Is it necessary to punsih teams for good performance and reward teams who sucked? I feel this should be determined by a random order and have no relation to last year's performance. Does anybody else feel the same way?


Agreed!!!!!!!!!!!!
Savage Angels August 22

You couldn't be more right, Marcus. The draft order, as it currently stands, is unfair. I support a random draft and would encourage all of those that support this cause to make your voices heard.

Coach Andrew Nelson
Savage Angels
Loki Cup Champions


Draft Order and Draft Type
Ponte Vedra Piranha August 23

1. We're going to go with Autodraft. Probably next Monday to give our potential expansion owners a chance to get their act together and join.
2. Remember that the draft order flips every round. The savvy coach can use this to his advantage.
3. If we go random, Stahl will end up picking first. It will be a wasted pick. This is not only history, it is science.
4. Draft order is of questionable importance over the course of the season. The Piranha have picked last both years, and finished second and last.
5. We will keep the draft order as is, if only to hear Marcus curse and whine. It's almost as good as listening to Landvik choking. (erk... erk...) Ah, Mozart.
6. Some continuity is good. If it was my intention to screw people, we would have gone with a "keeper league". Ponte Vedra could keep both Culpepper and Garcia for something like tenth round picks.
7. Let's try it. I think it will boost competitiveness. But if I'm wrong and the bottom four beat out the top four, we'll go back to the random thing next year. I just don't see that happening. See #3.


Baldwin Owner comments on league changes
Baldwin Wallabies August 24

Baldwin Wallabies owner Heather Beale, spotted leaving Dick's Bar in Hudson, Wisconsin with fellow Leinenkugel drinkers Elizabeth Hurley and Sandra Bullock late Thursday night, was asked her opinion of the recent MFL franchise moves by the Hudson Star Observer.

"Apple Valley Harlots? Greenfield? Whatever! Have they all gone gay or what? What is this, the Mankato Football League?"

The blonde owner was also dismissive of rumors that the Wallabies might leave the small farming community of Baldwin in favor of the glitz and glamor of Los Angeles. "We're the Green Bay of this league, that's the first thing you have to understand. And in more ways than one. Danny's got the first pick in the draft, and he's smart, he knows what to do with it. So after this season, you won't be calling Baldwin a small farming community anymore, you'll be calling it Titletown!"


Vadnais Heights Agreement with Landvik Announced
Westfield Lane Westies August 24

At a press conference this morning at Culvers Westfield owner Adam Landvik addressed the swarming media who questioned the funding of the recent Westfield Park. "When the city of Vadnais presented their plan to me last year, I sat down with Mike and the rest of my staff to see if we could make the deal work. We had a great run in Fridley. The truth is, Mikey made me make this deal. It was his hope that this deal would help clear his name of the Herschel trade."

Landvik acknowledged that the Vadnais City Council presented him with an opportunity to use excess tax funds to build Westfield Park. After “The Big Walleye” wasted the #1 draft choice 2 years in a row, the council members decided to increase taxes to create the multi-million fund in order to woo a superior MFL team to the area. Landvik went on to acknowledge that the city was using the excess taxes to drug the fans of the lowly Venom in an attempt to rid the city of the perennial toilet-bowl contender.

Before buying a round of Butter Burgers for the Westie faithful in attendance, Landvik confirmed that the additional excess funds are available and are earmarked for future MFL endeavors.


Star Tribune Press Release
Westfield Lane Westies August 24

Sid Hartmen is reporting a rumor that a new book, authored by Balwin GM/Coach Dan Lunstad, is heading for the press later this week. According to sources, the forward was written by Denny Green.


Who the hell are the Sealions?
Apple Valley Harlots August 28

Coach Burnsie is confused as to who the hell the Sealions are: "Who are these fu#!@g new guys? We will make them our sluts".


n. Sealion (from Walleyester's Dictionary)
Greenfield Grizzlies August 28

1. Large unwieldly beast which sleeps 22 hours a day and enjoys rolling over and showing more dominant species its belly.
2. A man we should pity as even a distant relative of Theo's (Jeff couldn't help it, so no pity)


Not another Sweetass Lunstad!
Greenfield Grizzlies August 29

Loretto, MN - "All they got in Colorado is queers and Microbeers," the Big Walleye was quoted as saying as they announced the addition of the Colorado Cocktails to the MFL. "Listen. We know the boy's got some built in sissiness just from being in the family. One brother is a sausage vendor, and the other works for a chick, and word is this one likes to sing. Now I ain't here to judge no-one. Lord knows that St Peter has a one way ticket waitin' for those boys to an eternal gay-dance party replete with a feel good medley of show tunes by Jim Neighbors, but I gotta shake hands with this lot after games and I don't want no man-love diseases jumpin' off them and landing on me!"


League Full, Draft Notice
Ponte Vedra Piranha August 29

Gentlemen,
With the recent additions of our new expansion franchises, the Caserta Sealions owned by Robby Forlani, and the Colorado Cocktails owned by Ben Lunstad, the 2001 edition of the Minnesota Football League is now complete. I am pleased to see that Mr. Stahl has already extended a hearty MFL welcome to both of them.

The Draft Status will be set to Ready at 2 AM Minnesota time on September 4th. All preparations must be complete before them, or else you're out of luck.

Keep in mind that the maximum number of acquisitions per team is set to 30, which is two per week. Spend them wisely.
Byron "Whizzer" White
Commissioner, MFL


Colorado Cocktail
Colorado Cocktails August 29

AP news wire:
The recent expansion of the Minnesota Football league into Colorado has left many questions unanswered. Who is this new owner and is he really another Lunstad? While most of the time owner Ben Lunstad is unavailable for comment his office has issued this statement, “Mr. Lunstad denies any and all relationships with other Lunstads. Any name, physical, and/or parental similarities are purely coincidental”.

We caught up to Mr. Lunstad recently at the Rio on Colfax. When asked directly about his team’s prospects for the year he said in a brief moment of relative sobriety, “Foooootball , yae, I could beat those other teams……. with my pantsss tied behind my back…. Are you going to eat that quesadia?…. Where’s my cock…tail ….”. The elusive Lunstad avoided further questions about how the team would be managed.


Hummingbird opener "Cabana Boy Night" a sellout!
Mankato Hummingbirds August 29

While many stadiums around the MFL struggle to fill their seats, "The Nest" opener will be packed, in part thanks to promotional partner "Cabana Boy Rum".

"Rum?!" defensive back coach Lawrence Tilly ejaculated, "I thought... never mind! We're gonna have a great year here in Mankato! Woohoo! Look out boys! We're good enough, we're strong enough and Dog Gone it!"

"Thanks Lawrence," inserted coach and owner Andrew Lunstad, "I think the people are just going to have to stick around and see what they'll see. Mankato will be turning some heads this year. Our fans may not be... er ... a traditional niche for a football team but..."

"Fans?!?" expostulated OL coach John Thomas.


Controversy, possible secession in the MFL!!!!!
Apple Valley Harlots August 30

What in sam hell is going on in this damn league? We have 3 Lunstad-owned teams, 2 Beale-owned teams. Nepotism leads to scandalous behavior, no doubt. Look at the freaking Kennedys. And why the hell is it still called the Minnesota Football League when most of the teams are from out of state? And lastly, and perhaps most importantly, why the hell are the Ponte Vedra Guppies selecting first when they finished second last year? Corruption!!! I'm sure Andrew Nelson will back me on this. As well Mike Lynn with the Westfield Westies. Maybe we should secede from the league and start our own. I love stirring the fu@#$g pot.

Coach Burnsie


Controversy Schmontroversy
Ponte Vedra Piranha August 30

Somebody tell Coach Burnsie to relax and stop getting his knickers in a twist! What was happening was that the draft order was getting reset in order of signup each time a new team joined. Now that the league is closed, the draft order is final. Reverse order of last year's finish, expansion teams in order of sign up.

I did do a sample randomize, just out of curiosity, and below are what the results would have been compared to the actual draft order. So Drew, Marcus, it could have been worse!

# Actual Draft Order Randomized Order
1 Baldwin Wallabies Westfield Westies
2 Mankato Hummingbirds Naples Navahos
3 Greenfield Grizzlies Ponte Vedra Piranha
4 Naples Navahos Colorado Cocktails
5 Westfield Westies Baldwin Wallabies
6 Apple Valley Harlots Caserta Sealions
7 Ponte Vedra Piranha Greenfield Grizzlies
8 Savage Angels Mankato Hummingbirds
9 Caserta Sealions Apple Valley Harlots
10 Colorado Cocktails Savage Angels



Piranha Announce New Coach
Ponte Vedra Piranha September 1

In a press conference held in the Sawgrass Country Club's exclusive "Blue" room, Ponte Vedra GM Vox Day announced the results of a long serach for his replacement as head coach for the team favored by many pundits to claim the 2001 Loki Cup.

"We looked at a lot of very good candidates," the highly regarded GM declared. "Barry Switzer and I had a good time together during his visit here, probably too good a time, though, and with regards to Mike Ditka, well, I have a lot of respect for Iron Mike, but he wasn't the fit we felt we needed. It's been fifteen years since the Super Bowl Shuffle, and our fans really expect us to win titles here in Ponte Vedra."

There was a brief moment of silence, and then thunderous applause as a figure very familiar to longtime MFL observers walked out on the stage to join the Piranha GM.

"The missing piece was Loki Cup winning experience, which is why I decided to bring in Coach Lonzell Cahill. He's got the ring, he's even got some head coaching experience, and in Ponte Vedra he's now with a franchise that can provide him with the front office and the players to bring home the whole enchilada."

The new coach explained that he was very excited about his new job, not only because the Piranha are one of the MFL's top teams, but also because "there's a lot of really hot babes hanging out around the clubhouse here."


Cocktails to pick "He Hate Me" with #10 pick.
Colorado Cocktails September 1

The Cocktails stunned fans when the news leaked that the former XFL player will be their #1 pick. Owner (Ben Lunstad) had some harsh words for his staff. “damn… fulla… Hate me pick…. (You’re all fired, I can’t believe you let this information out. He probably won’t last till #10 now) …. Quesadia?… (Are you going to eat that quesadia?)… He.. Humming gay Cure… (I wanted to pick him up before Andy did. He drafts on cuteness, and with Robert Smith out of the picture….)”.

Only time will heal the deep wounds in this troubled franchise.


Caserta Sealions: Italian-fed linemen ready to play!
Caserta Sealions September 2

The Minnesota Football league has just gained another flag to its glorious franchises, Italy! But don't be mistaken this team has its roots in Minnesota and the Beales. The assistant coach is in fact a member of the Minnesota Beale legacy, powerful now of four related teams in the MFL. The Headcoach Robby Forlani already started his job by setting up an English course for his spaghetti and pizza fed players.

From Italy just a cheer: Forza Sealions!


Big Walleye Responds to Pirhana Coaching Addition
Greenfield Grizzlies September 4

Greenfield - The Big Walleye had little to say when pressed for a comment on the addition of his ex-coach and ex-MFL MVP Lonzell Cahill as top field general for the Piranha. After a series of "No Comment" he fnally relented to the insistent press. "Vox Day has a knack for running a quality operation. Just because he's living on my sloppy seconds doesn't make him a bad guy. My secretary said he called and was looking for my prom date's phone number, the name of the guy I sold my 1972 Dodge Dart to, wondering whether I throw my old clothes away or donate them to a specific thrift store, and if I was going to finish eating the sandwich I was having for lunch today. Just cuz you have an MFL champ in your clubhouse doesn't make you an MFL champ. And no, Vox, you can't kiss my championship ring."


Come one, come all: Vikings Party -- Loki Cup Presentation
Westfield Lane Westies September 6

Everyone is invited to my house to watch the Vikings Sunday. We'll practice for the 68er's game at half and watch Mr. Nelson drink from the coveted Loki Cup. Tim is bringing the beer so if you are coming bring a snack and $5 for pizza.

PS: In Theo's absence the Hummingbirds have graciously agreed to supply the wine coolers.


Wine Coolers? Theo's tougher than that!!!
Naples Navahos September 7

I'll have you know that he drinks HARD LEMONADE! The spicy juice sets this tuff guy loose! Look out Christopher, daddy has a piece of steel sticking out of his tummy!!!

"It's an Italian thing. Straight from Milan. You wouldn't understand."


What's with the Italian crap?
Apple Valley Harlots September 6

What's with all this talk of Italian this and Italian that? Please. Us primitive and simple Scottish folk can kick all your asses. And another thing, you didn't invent pasta. Marco Polo brought it over to Italy from his travels to the orient. The only thing Italians invented is the traditional "mob hit".


Baldwin Coach Takes Vow of Silence
Baldwin Wallabies September 7

from the Associated Press:
From joyous Baldwin, Coach and master architect of the glorious franchise, Dan Lunstad, addressed a raucous crowd of loyal Baldwin fans who had spontaneously gathered in the town sqaure to celebrate the recent MFL Draft.

Lunstad said, "In light of the recent draft, it is clear to me that the Baldwin Wallabies will triumphantly hoist the Loki Cup after this season. I feel, based on our superior team, that to engage in the mundane 'smack talking' that is so commonly spewed from the mouths of Big Walleye, Mr. Day, my misguided brothers, and all others associated with the league, would just bring us down to their level. Our town is quiet, proud, and most of all, the best damn football town in the league! I know it, you know it, and the rest of the league knows it. From this day forward I am taking a vow of silence. I will not speak publicly until the Loki Cup is encased with our runner-up trophy from the 1987 State Fish-off and our Participation Plaque we received for being part of the 'Clean up our County Program.' Go Wallabies!"


Piranha Coach Likes Roster
Ponte Vedra Piranha September 7

"I'm very pleased with the team Mr. Day has assembled," declared Ponte Vedra's new coach, Lonzell Cahill. "I told him we needed youth and speed, and we've got it in spades. The trade for Tomlinson completes our roster, and once Davis goes down in Denver, and you know he will, we'll have three first-rate running backs to complement Donovan."

When asked if it would be difficult to face his former team in his first game, the ex-MVP only chuckled. "No, I know the Big Walleye's head games and I know how to deal with them. In fact, I'll be surprised if he does any preparation this week, considering that we sent him a little gift package from Vivid as well as a compilation of Jenna Jameson's greatest... ah... hits."


Piranha opponents like Piranha roster too!
Apple Valley Harlots September 7

That has to be one of the weakest rosters I've ever laid eyes on. Edward Scissorhands could fit in nicely with your receiving corp. Wayne Chrebet? Please! He looks like he should be representing the lolly-pop gang from Wizard of Oz. And forget about Olandis Gary ever seeing play time at RB. They'll take Mike Anderson before him anyday. McNabb is the only decent thing you've got going. And that's not saying much. It's going to be a long season for the Ponte Vedra Guppies. Fodder for the rest of the league.


68er’s Come Through in the Clutch.
Westfield Lane Westies September 10

The 68er’s shock off a Vikingesque start to pull off a 20-16 victory in their inaugural game in the Shoreview League. After giving up a 40-yard bomb to the 5-yard line and stopping the Hawks from scoring, the 68er’s began their first offensive series of the 01’ campaign by giving up a safety.
Trailing 8-0 midway through the first half, Lunstad hit Cory McClure with a TD pass to bring the score to 8-6 going into the half. The QB by committee approach in the second half proved effective as both Dan Lunstad and Marcus Bolton led scoring drives in the second half.
The game ball* this week goes to Marcus Bolton, who redeemed himself after dropping a sure touchdown in the first offensive play of the year. Bolton’s leaping you-can’t-out-jump-me-you’re-not-even-as-tall-as-Theo catch over an ill-equipped 5’7” cornerback gave the 68er’s the lead for good. His fierce rush on defense stymied the Hawks throughout the second half. And his Play of the Game* swat of would be touchdown pass in the waning moment of the 2nd half locked up the victory.
It was questionable wether or not the 68er’s would even be able to play yesterday. It was raining 15 minutes before the start of the game. Reigning MFL Champion Andrew “Super-Star” Nelson was unable to make the opener and receive the Loki Cup. Nelson was recouping from a marathon in the crapper all weekend. It’s a fitting start for the Nelson, as MFL pundits expect the Angels to spend the rest of the season in the crapper as well. Welcome Cory Tennison to the 68er’s this year, be sure to introduce yourself to him next game.

Player of the Game Week 1: Marcus Bolton
Play of the Game: Marcus Bolton



Hey Look - It's Marcus' Belly!
Greenfield Grizzlies September 10

"Can you fire a $@#&ing owner!!?" was all Burnsie would say as he headed toward the locker room Sunday in the wake of his team's anemic 5.94 point performance as the Harlots rolled over to the expansion Cocktails in the first regular season game. When asked if Bolton was simply acting as a welcoming committee of one for the league on Sunday, Burnsie responded "I work for a $%&*@ing diplomat! I've got something to put in that hand he extended to Colorado! $#@&ing $%@hole!"


AV Harlots not quite done yet
Apple Valley Harlots September 10

In Burnsie's defense, his QB and defense have yet to take the field. Griese had the highest QB rating of all QBs last season. You can expect more points after tonight's game.


WEEK ONE RESULTS

39.84 Greenfield Grizzlies 1-0
32.44 Ponte Vedra Piranha 0-1
27.62 Westfield Westies 1-0
25.09 Caserta Sealions 0-1
41.43 Naples Navahos 1-0
28.92 Baldwin Wallabies 0-1
34.40 Mankato Hummingbirds 1-0
25.45 Savage Angels 0-1
22.42 Apple Valley Harlots 1-0
17.62 Colorado Cocktails 0-1



PLAYERS OF THE WEEK

12.46 QB Brian Griese 3 td, 330 yds Apple Valley Harlots
11.64 QB Kerry Collins 3 td, 258 yds Mankato Hummingbirds
11.09 QB Aaron Brooks 3 td, 209 yds Naples Navahos
10.98 QB Mark Brunell 3 td, 198 yds Caserta Sealions
10.50 DEF GB 6 pts, 7 sak, 2 int, 1 fum Naples Navahos
9.50 DEF NO 6 pts, 3 int, 5 sak Naples Navahos
9.50 DEF Jax 3 pts, 2 int, 2 fum, 3 sak Savage Angels
8.96 RB Edgerrin James 2 td, 135 yds Naples Navahos
8.54 RB Ahman Green 2 td, 177 yds, 1 fum Savage Angels
8.52 WR Jimmy Smith 2 td, 126 yds Baldwin Wallabies

* italics indicate Did Not Play


AV Harlots the Amazing Comback!
Greenfield Grizzlies September 11

The Big Walleye can only say "WOW!"


Navahos Owner/GM Makes Comment in Naples Airport
Naples Navahos September 11

Caught off-guard stepping out of his Lear, Owner/GM of the Naples Navahos looked haggard as he charmed reporters with his candor about his personal life and the recent performance of his team.

"The ceremony, the parties, the after-parties and what-not from the aftermath of MTV's Video Music Awards really took quite out of me the past couple of days. The late night rendezvous with Christina Aguilera and Lil' Kim turned out to be a 5 day vacation. Not only are they great party girls, but they also happen to be huge Navahos fans as well. The impromptu pow-wow in my suite at the Drake after watching the performance Edgerin James was something that deserved an award itself."

When asked if the latest story in the ever-present drama that surrounds his life was the reason for his abscence from the team's first game and infamous obscurity from the media, Beale commented: "There will always be a certain mystery that floats about. Kind of runs in the family, I guess. Since I was only able to participate in spirit, I came up with a rewards program for the fellahs. Gannon and James each get 2, while Gasden and Dillon have one of their own. As for the D, which played phenominal, I'm gonna have to get something special planned with Hef. I just hope we can get it down by Wednesday, otherwise our franchise may have a repeat last year's efforts in winning the MFL Toilet Bowl. This year, my eyes are on the Loki Cup."

As an aid lit him a cigar and opened the door of his silver stretch limo, Beale added a thought about the franchise this year: "After mowing over the dumb-mouthed Smallabies, I fully expect that we will provide Ceserta the initial ass-woopin' that Westfield failed to provide. Last report I read it looked as if the Westies may piddle and eek their way to a victory, but those pasta-eatin' pussies deserve a royal shaft and experience the pain of the MFL...Hummingbird style."


Cahill Accuses Navahos
Ponte Vedra Piranha September 13

"I don't want to sound like a conspiracy theorist," said Piranha coach Lonzell Cahill after being asked about the cancellation of the MFL's week two games due to the horrific airplane hijackings that took place this Tuesday. "But if you look at the facts... south Florida pilot school, upcoming game against the Piranha, and an extremist towelhead running the Naples team, well, I don't think it takes a genius to figure out who's behind these attacks."

When a reporter from Sports Illustrated pointed out that no Naples executives were, in fact, of Indian extraction, that the Navahos were not scheduled to play the Piranha, and that the proper epithet for an Islamic terrorist is "sand n!gger", the former league MVP was quick to apologize. A league fine is expected.


Cahill fined by league, suspended by team
Ponte Vedra Piranha September 13

"We are disappointed in Lonzell's apparent lack of judgement," said somber-faced Ponte Vedra GM Vox Day, addressing the unprecedented $100,000 fine levied on first-year Piranha coach Lonzell Cahill. "This is not a time for wild accusations and name-calling, it is a time for dropping very large bombs. President Bush was right in saying that these terrorists hide in the shadows, and I would just like to remind our Commander-in-Chief that there is no shadow cast by the light of a thermonuclear explosion."

When asked who he would like to see nuked, the Piranha GM shrugged his shoulders. "We start with Arafat, I guess, then work our way down through the alphabet. So bin Laden is next. Then someone whose name starts with C and has Mohammed in the middle. You get the picture."

GM Day also announced that the Piranha would be suspending Coach Cahill for one game, effective immediately. When an ESPN reporter asked if the suspension wasn't mostly a symbolic gesture, considering that this week's games are cancelled, the Ponte Vedra executive snarled, "what do you think I am, stupid?" before waving one of Umberto Eco's academic works and threatening the reporter with an exhaustive lecture on semiotics.


Navahos Press Conference Takes Odd Twist!!!
Naples Navahos September 13

Reporters from across the nation gathered for a rare Navahos press conference announced by Owner/GM Jeffrey Beale. This oddly timed event comes mere days after the horrific tragedy in New York City and mere hours after the spiteful comments by former (ahem…has been) League MVP Lonzell Cahill.

"In the wake of tragedy, my heart goes to the victims of the families," Beale remarked, "however, in an attempt to not appear insensitive, I frankly think we should move on and not let those crazies and their political agenda stop us from the sport we love. America needs to recoup and I believe a good dose of MFL Football would be a great way to do that. Plus, what the hell am I going to do with that damn team-sized Winnebago I bought yesterday?"

When asked to reply to the crude remarks that Lonzell Cahill made, Beale said: "I have no grudge with Cahill. He was once MVP, though I do believe he has his work cut out for him in Ponte Vedra. How can you reasonably think a team with wide receivers named Laveranues and 'Snoop' can win in this league of professionals?" Beale laughed, "those guys belong on stage with large clocks around their necks or in the back alley off a street in Compton with a spoon, needle and a glass pipe. No, their players are okay; it’s Cahill that I wonder about. I have seen reports linking him with Coach Bull, they may have more activities in common than coaching in the MFL."

When asked if the comments made about the drug paraphernalia were made in reference to the “cultured” names of the Piranha wide receivers, Beale nervously wiped his lapel and stated: "Ahhh..no" he stuttered before smiling big saying, "I love my black brethren! The comments were made in reference to Coach Cahill, actually. But let me state that these are preliminary reports and are only given to me for the safety of my team from our former coach, Sh!tting Bull. He has a tendency to do odd rituals usually involving drug use and I cannot let him infiltrate my team, especially after that ‘special’ half-time tea he served last year. Anyway, any reports that Cahill appears on is merely coincidental to our standard Coach Bull monitoring program approved by the league. We are not monitoring Coach Cahill."

When current MTV Veejay and rabid Navahos media watchdog Kurt Loder pointed out that nobody asked him they were monitoring Cahill, Beale abruptly ended the conference.

As Beale and his entourage exited the building towards the signature silver stretch limousine, newly acquired superstar wide receiver Randy Moss was overheard saying: "I thought this press thing was gonna be about me, dawg."


Cocktails Hire New Coach
Colorado Cocktails September 14

In an unprecedented move, the Colorado Cocktails hire foreigner Jean Elwee as their new coach. When asked what the French know about American football Lunstad replied, “(The accent is French Canadian, and they already coach a lot of our hockey teams. Also, we can learn a lot from their smash-mouth brand of football)”.

Fans were stunned by the news. “Well they can’t do any worse, they are at the ass of the league” said area resident Jinko Sputt, “but if this team loses again we’re going to riot”. In a recent news conference, the mustachioed coach addressed Colorado, “I will breeng a new era of prospereetee to de cocktail, de week of loseeng is be'ind us”.

In an unrelated story, future hall of famer and Bronco legend John Elway died in a bizarre toboggan mishap in the Canadian Rockies. The body was not recovered and the search has been suspended until summer 2002. Colorado will mourn along with the rest of the country.


Colorado Coach has some "Cock"Tales of his Own
Greenfield Grizzlies September 19

The Big Walleye, in response to questions about his upcoming game against the expansion Colorado squad, said on Wednesday "I hear this Lunstad punk hired some French punk to run his team. That's the JerryLewisluvin', nonshowerin' crew that won't let us fly over their precious airspace to bomb the crap out of all those Arab countries, ain't it? Eurotrash never won anything in this league. Especially light-in-the-loafers Eurotrash. Just look at Vox Day."


French connection a success
Colorado Cocktails September 24

New coach Jean Elwee proved to be just what the Cocktails needed. After scoring a league-low 17 points in Week One, the expansion team has already amassed 48 points in Week Two. Elwee commented on his team’s turn around, “As you can see, the ass has become the head. That takes good coaching”. When asked about the derogatory comments made by Big Walleye before the game Elwee responded, “I will stand by my French brothers, and if the Grizzlies are smart, they will hire a French coach too. For now I will let the Walleye hold on to hope for 25 fumbles between Davis and Westbrook tonight.”


WEEK TWO RESULTS

33.63 Naples Navahos 2-0-0 1.000 75.06 W-2
10.35 Caserta Sealions 0-2-0 .000 35.44 L-2
40.05 Baldwin Wallabies 1-1-0 .500 68.97 W-1
18.74 Mankato Hummingbirds 1-1-0 .500 53.14 L-1
50.13 Colorado Cocktails 1-1-0 .500 67.75 W-1
23.76 Greenfield Grizzlies 1-1-0 .500 63.60 L-1
33.73 Ponte Vedra Piranha 1-1-0 .500 66.17 W-1
26.77 Westfield Westies 1-1-0 .500 54.39 L-1
38.30 Savage Angels 1-1-0 .500 63.75 W-1
37.40 Apple Valley Harlots 1-1-0 .500 59.82 L-1



PLAYERS OF THE WEEK

17.73 QB Peyton Manning 4 td, 2 int, 421 yds, 1 rtd, 26 yds Colorado Cocktails
14.50 DEF GB 0 pts, 1 td, 5 sak, 2 fum, 1 int Savage Angels
12.42 QB Brian Griese 3 td, 242 yds, 1 2pt Apple Valley Harlots
12.15 QB Donovan McNabb 2 td, 283 yds, 1 rtd, 16 yds Ponte Vedra Piranha
12.00 DEF Cin 10 pts, 3 int, 1 td, 3 fum, 2 sak Free Agent
11.92 WR Marvin Harrison 3 td, 146 yds Baldwin Wallabies
11.39 QB Kurt Warner 3 td, 321 yds, 1 Int, 1 2pt, 1 fum Westfield Westies
10.50 DEF Cle 8 pts, 7 int, 3 sak Naples Navahos
9.48 WR James Thrash 2 td, 165 yds Apple Valley Harlots
9.24 WR Rod Smith 2 td, 162 Yds Colorado Cocktails



Westies Fitted for Choke-Chain
Ponte Vedra Piranha September 25

"It was a good victory, a solid victory," said Piranha GM Vox Day as he presented coach Lonzell Cahill with the game ball. "We're very pleased with coach Cahill's first win, and it was good to see it come before the home fans here in Amazon.com stadium!"

The former league MVP looked relieved as he accepted the game ball, saying that it had been a "calculated risk" to go with San Diego's defense over Baltimore's, but denied that he had predicted the Ravens' stunning loss to Cincy.

"I'm no Nostradamus, but that's two weeks in a row now that Donovan has outplayed Kurt Warner," he said with a broad smile. "A few more bets with Landvik, and I'll be making up for the loss I took on my American Airlines stock last week."


Savage Wins West Group Showdown
Savage Angels September 25

Sorry Marcus. You see the Loki Cup in my cube? I guess now you know why it's there...I'm just that good.


Big Walleye Seen at Cocktails Celebration Party
Greenfield Grizzlies September 26

In the wake of a butt-kicking from the expansion Cocktails, the Big Walleye was spotted by the press at a celebration party for the new team's first win. Sports Illustrated is reporting that Dennis Rodman, Big Walleye, and Boy Geroge were all dressed in decidedly female outfits, and danced until dawn at the ecstasy-laden romp.

All attempts to contact the ownership group of the Grizzlies has been unsuccessful. When Elvis Grbac was asked for a reaction he shook his head and said "That guy can't look good in a dress."


Rumors abound of Big Walleye Stepping Down
Greenfield Grizzlies September 26

In the wake of the emerging Benedict Arnold-like stories about the Big Walleye and friends activities at a rival's celebration party, the MFL is buzzing with talk that the Big Walleye will step aside. "He's a little like Bobby Knight," said Tim Stahl, majority owner of the Grizzlies. "Rough, tough, and unsophosticated on the outside, but a lady on the inside. Perhaps this sport has passed him by."

Ricky Williams was shocked at the allegations of cross-dressing. "That whiteboy did what?!" was all he could say.


Navahos owner comments on team status and Sunday match up
Naples Navahos September 26

Caught outside the Beanery, a local coffeehouse in Naples, Owner/GM Jeffrey M. Beale sipped his extra large chai tea as he made a few remarks concerning his team’s sole possession of an undefeated status in the MFL.

“How does it feel to be undefeated?” quizzed the famed Kurt Loder.

“Better than it does in the doghouse,” Beale replied pleasantly, “you get a lotta sh!t for being there, ask Caserta. They are feeling those growing pains now.”

“What is your perspective on Randy Moss and his numbers this season thus far?” Loder asked while scribbling away.

“Randy is a great player who can bust a game wide open,” Beale replied candidly, “Unfortunately, he has yet to produce those great numbers. Randy has a few bad habits that he picked up while with the Harlots as they were learning new offensive schemes to evade defenders. We don’t run the Pinch Groin Offense here. We’ll leave that to the Harlots and Hummingbirds.”

“Interesting,” pondered Loder as he took another note, “Considering recent controversies concerning Ponte Vedra’s Head Coach and the fact that you're up against your older brother, what are your thoughts on this Sunday’s match up?”

“The Swiss Misses? Cahill should be thankful for all the injuries to Westfield running backs last week,” remarked a yawning Beale, “he’ll be up against some super stars this Sunday. But, I am sure with his recent sightings with Coach Bull, he’ll definitely have some new perspectives for the game.”

Beale chuckled before adding, “As for Vox, well we always look forward to the match up, but I am more excited to see the goose-egg staying in the Lose column. Hopefully, he won’t get bitter and leave me off his Christmas list. I got a pretty sweet gift last year.”


“NOboys” Headline at Cocktail Win /WTC Relief Gala
Colorado Cocktails September 26

In an evening that can only be described as mostly on key (but still unifying). The NOboys brought the house down at the Denver Chop House on Monday night. Band members Andy, Teddy, Benji and Arny looked relived to be playing at all. “When you can’t get N-SYNC or the Back Street Boys, you call NOboys”, said one member of the aging boy band, “Our secret is sex appeal, I don’t even know how to play the bass”.

“We also know what the people like, our set hasn’t changed in 10 years. And the tanks of nitrous oxide don’t hurt”, added a plucky keyboard player after crooning a Pseudo Echo cover. The concert raised over $75 for victims in NYC. “We wanted to help for forgotten people of the tragedy, that’s why we’re donating half the cover to aid the three displaced bicycle couriers”. Indeed, there were no dry eyes after the song “Bicycle Courier” was sung to the tune on “Japanese Girl”.

The only disappointment came after the lead guitarist made a fool of himself by rudely hitting on three women. “I couldn’t help myself, did you see the buff one… nice”. The other members did not look surprised. “He’s been depressed ever since our drummer died”.


The Battle of Florida
Ponte Vedra Piranha September 29

"The only present our owner will be giving that guy in Naples this year is a spanking on Sunday," Ponte Vedra GM Vox Day told reporters, referring to the publicity-shy head of the Piranha's shadowy multinational ownership group.

"Yes, it's an interesting anomaly to see that the Ho's are two and oh, but then again, so is Cincinnati. Any of you jokers want to bet on them making the Super Bowl? I didn't think so. The Ho's will be lucky to make the playoffs, forget about the Loki Cup."

Piranha coach Lonzell Cahill was also present at the press conference, and predicted Donovan McNabb would score "at least five" touchdowns during the battle for Florida bragging rights, and that "Randy Moss is going to melt down like a snowman under the hot sun of the Sunshine State



WEEK THREE RESULTS

37.90 Ponte Vedra Piranha 2-1-0 .666 104.07 W-2
27.85 Naples Navahos 2-1-0 .666 102.91 L-1
42.36 Savage Angels 2-1-0 .666 106.11 W-2
13.18 Colorado Cocktails 1-2-0 .333 80.93 L-1
48.26 Westfield Westies 2-1-0 .666 102.65 W-1
27.80 Greenfield Grizzlies 1-2-0 .333 91.40 L-2
33.11 Apple Valley Harlots 2-1-0 .666 92.93 W-1
21.90 Baldwin Wallabies 1-2-0 .333 90.87 L-1
39.91 Mankato Hummingbirds 2-1-0 .666 93.05 W-1
20.58 Caserta Sealions 0-3-0 .000 56.02 L-3



PLAYERS OF THE WEEK

15.26 QB Kurt Warner 4 td, 328 yds Westfield Westies
13.50 RB Priest Holmes 3 td, 225 yds Naples Navahos
13.50 DEF NE 13 pts, 2 td, 3 int, 3 sak, 1 fum Free Agent
13.39 QB Rich Gannon 3 td, 217 yds, 1 rtd, 1 fum Naples Navahos
12.20 RB Marshall Faulk 3 td, 160 yds Mankato Hummingbirds
12.07 QB Trent Green 3 td, 307 yds Baldwin Wallabies
11.86 QB Chris Chandler 3 td, 286 yds Free Agent
11.50 DEF Phi 18 pts, 1 td, 4fum, 1 blk, 1 int, 2 sak Westfield Westies
11.44 RB LaDanian Tomlinson 3 td, 107 yds Ponte Vedra Piranha
11.08 Brett Favre 3 td, 308 yds, 2 int, 1 2pt Savage Angels



Tears of a Ho
Ponte Vedra Piranha October 1

"I think they have some kind of Venus and Serena thing going on," said Piranha coach Lonzell Cahill when asked if he thought that the fraternal relationship between the owners of the rival Florida franchises played any role in Ponte Vedra's resounding defeat of the formerly high-flying Navahos.

"It's always a mental thing for the younger sibling. They just feel inadequate, incompetent, and unattractive in comparison with the older one. That's why Serena choked in the US Open this year, and it's the same reason Mankato could beat Baldwin for the Loki Cup then smack them around again at the end of last year even with that fourteen-game losing streak going on."

The secretive Piranha owner could not be reached for comment, but his distraught younger brother seemed to agree with Coach Cahill's theory.

"Mom always loved him best," he sobbed uncontrollably, despite the best efforts of Randy Moss to console him.

"She probably warn't even yo' momma, dawg," the Navahos star was heard to say.



Navahos Players Fined $ 50,000
Naples Navahos October 4

From the AP News Wire
After a poor performance by Naples Navaho players last Sunday versus the Ponte Vedra Piranha, a individual fine was levied for each player that was involved in a late night outing in the City of Ponte Vedra. Running Backs Corey Dillon and Endgrin James along with Wide Receivers Randy Moss and Isaac Bruce were fined $50,000 each after it was discovered that none these Navahos stars had an adequate amount of rest before the big game.

A team spokesman in a written comment of the incident commented: "The Navahos organization has a history of wild partying with many women. We are setting precedent that this type of behavior will not be tolerated under any circumstances before games, regardless of how they players feel how weak the competition is. The team has a new vision of success and irresponsible actions that hamper this vision will be met by fierce punishment."

Messages to the Navahos front office were not returned.



Kurt Loder reports of another encounter with Beale
Naples Navahos October 4

In another encounter, this time at a rarely visited coffeehouse in Naples, Florida, Team Watchdog Kurt Loder caught up with Jeffrey M. Beale. When asked if the actions of the players recently fined had any effect on the result of the game, Beale’s face produced a frenzied look.

"Of course that's why we f*cking lost!" Screamed Naples Navahos GM/Owner whose team let the possibility of furthering their undefeated status in the prestigious MFL go in a vicious loss to the Ponte Vedra Piranha, owned by Beale’s elder sibling. “We had an understanding that with the combination of their very good offensive line and a running back that is exploding in his first year that we were gonna have to score some points,” Beale stated disgustedly. “This type of behavior by our team leaders infuriates me!”

When asked if Beale would comment on the allegations of monitoring Piranha coach Lonzell Cahill was in fact true and if the any decision to cease monitoring Cahill had any effect in the team’s first loss, Beale spiked his drink the ground and furiously yelled: “That is not true and it never was! How the F*ck did you find me, anyway! I can’t even get a f*cking cup of coffee without you little press b*tches all over me!”

At this point, Beale’s bodyguards disallowed any more questions. For a moment safety seemed in question. Fortunately, the goon’s only actions were mere menacing looks and grumbles as they thankfully turned away towards the limo that Beale had waiting outside the java house. However, he threw his triple shot latte with whole milk and a half shot of hazelnut so hard to the ground that he got some of the caffeinated nectar on my new Hugo Boss tie.



Big Walleye Found Dead in Walmart Bathroom
Greenfield Grizzlies October 4

In a discovery still rocking the Greenfield Grizzlies organization, the Big Walleye was discovered dead of an apparent heart attack in the Maple Grove Walmart men's room this morning. Apparently trying on Husky Chick support hose in the handicapped stall, police say the Big Walleye suffered a massive MI and fell face first into the changing table, which could not bear his 272 pound frame, and crashed to the ground alerting maintenance staff to the tragedy.

"This is a huge blow to our team, our season, and our organization," said Tim Stahl, Greenfield Grizzlies Inc President and CEO. "The man was a legend in this league and his unpredictable coaching style will never be duplicated." Jim Wacker was named interim head coach for this week's matchiup against Naples. Wacker, grinning like an idiot, said "This is a great group of guys and we're gonna have some fun!"



More Embarrassment for Colorado
Colorado Cocktails October 5

Denver- After another shocking loss in the MFL, Cocktail coach Jean Elwee attacked and raped a 1430 pound polar bear at the Denver zoo. The frenzied coach had to be shot with a tranquilizer gun and pulled from the cage. “It was terrible…” sobbed an eyewitness, “I hope they have laws for this”. A subdued Elwee had little to say, “I’m having trouble dealing with my feelings right now, this league is an emotional roller coaster”.

The bear, named “Klondike”, and his brother “Snow” have been popular residents of the zoo for 5 years. Klondike was unavailable for comment but has apparently spent the day eating, swimming, and laying around. Team owner Ben Lunstad was asked what this would mean for the team. “I can “bearly” believe it and I don’t know if the Cocktails can “bear” it, Elwee did a major “Boo-Boo”. I will say this though, that crazy Canuck’s got guts. I think this may be what the team needs”. The stunned media was at a loss for words. Lunstad also claimed he would sober up and coach the team himself this weekend. Everyone is hoping for a win.



Piranha Management Mourn Big Walleye
Ponte Vedra Piranha October 6

"The MFL will never be the same," declared choked-up Piranha GM Vox Day reacting to news of the Big Walleye's untimely decease. "He was so far from the Mermaid... I think that move to Greenfield just broke his great big heart." The Ponte Vedra manager was unable to continue and had to be escorted from the microphone by his new gal-pal, Jessica Biel.

Coach Lonzell Cahill did little better, only managing to say that "he owed it all" to the man who had been his "coach, friend, father-figure, and guiding light," before being forced to rush from the stage, weeping.

Later in the day, the Ponte Vedra team issued an official statement of regret and announced that the Piranha would be wearing black jockstraps for the rest of the season in memory of the late MFL coaching great.



WEEK FOUR RESULTS

37.13 Westfield Westies 3-1-0 .750 139.78 W-2
30.33 Colorado Cocktails 1-3-0 .250 111.26 L-2
28.42 Ponte Vedra Piranha 3-1-0 .750 132.49 W-3
26.95 Mankato Hummingbirds 2-2-0 .500 120.00 L-1
35.77 Apple Valley Harlots 3-1-0 .750 128.70 W-2
34.44 Caserta Sealions 0-4-0 .000 90.46 L-4
45.01 Greenfield Grizzlies 2-2-0 .500 136.41 W-1
29.31 Naples Navahos 2-2-0 .500 132.22 L-2
38.30 Baldwin Wallabies 2-2-0 .500 129.85 W-1
26.15 Savage Angels 2-2-0 .500 132.26 L-1



PLAYERS OF THE WEEK

15.50 DEF Chi 3 pts, 1 td, 7 sak, 3 int, 2 fum Free Agent
15.00 DEF StL 0 pts, 1 td, 6 sak, 2 int, 1 fum Apple Valley Harlots
12.07 QB Jeff Garcia 3 td, 307 yds Caserta Sealions
12.00 DEF NYG 13 pts, 2 td, 3 int, 3 sak, 1 fum Colorado Cocktails
11.91 QB Kurt Warner 291 yds, 3 td Westfield Westies
10.68 QB Alex van Pelt 3 Pass TD, 268 Pass Yds, 1 Int Free Agent
10.00 DEF Mia 10 pts,1 td, 3 fum, 4 sak Greenfield Grizzlies
9.82 RB Shaun Alexander 176 yds, 2 td Baldwin Wallabies
8.00 DEF NYJ 36 pts,2 td, 3 fum, 2 int, 2 sak Mankato Hummingbirds
8.00 K John Carney 5 FG, 1 PAT Free Agent



Can't Greg Join Our League?
Greenfield Grizzlies October 9

The Grizzlies invite all other Beales to join in the butt whippin's being handed out by Greenfield!


Wacker Fired After Name Proves to Be True
Greenfield Grizzlies October 9

A Greenfield Grizzlie spokesman announced today that Jim Wacker has been fired as the interim head coach after an "unfortunate locker room incident" following the Grizzlies Monday night victory over the hapless Ho's. Details were not released, but sources close to the Grizzlies say there was some Ben Gay and some unwashed team undergarments involved. Players refused to comment, but looked relieved following the press conference. Bud Grant has agreed to a week-to-week interim head coaching position as the Grizzlies staff seeks out a permanent replacement for the recently deceased Big Walleye. "I'm just excited to coach for a team that has a championship - even if it only ends up being for a week," said Grant. "The Big Walleye was my nemesis when I was at the helm of the Vikings, but with him cold in the ground, maybe I can steer a team past being a bridesmaid."


Hummingbirds named "America's Team" by Family Council
Mankato Hummingbirds October 11

In an announcement that came as something of a surprise to team members, the Hummingbirds were named as America's Team by the family council.

"It's not that we're enamored with the lifestyle choices of many of the Hummingbird players or fans" said Family Council spokesman Hugh Rightway, "It's just that we're quite frankly disgusted with the rest of the league! Cross Dressers dying in bathrooms, coaches sodomizing Polar Bears, all night womanizing binges, crass language! Still, we had to pick someone."

"What about the Savage Angels or the Wallabies?" asked one puzzled reported. "They don't seem to be too offensive."

"Please! Morality is important, but picking either of those teams as America's Team is like choosing diet caffeine free Tab over a banana split! Nobody's going to support those Milquetoast franchises no matter what we say!"


Harlots named "Afghanistan's Team" by Cat Fancy Magazine
Apple Valley Harlots October 1

"What the fu#k is cat fancy fu#$@n magazine?", exclaimed an exuberant Coach Jerry Burns upon learning that his Apple Valley Harlots were recently voted "Afghanistan's Team" by the readers of Cat Fancy magazine. "It sounds like good reading material for the shitter though. Throw in a 6 pack of frosty Hamms and an econo bag of beefed jerky and that there is a little slice of heaven".

"Sh!t, if the Hummers are America's Team then we damn well better be the crown prince of the Tallybanchees. Those goofy fu$@$g towel heads need some inspiration anyway", Bursnie was quote as saying upon leaving Shiek's Palace Royale in downtown Minneapolis. "God I love Minneapolis. The women, the brew. No better place to find some raggety old crotch on a Sunday night after an ass kick'n. Why the hell did we move to Apple Valley anyway?"


Piranha Power Foils Faulk, Hummingbirds
Ponte Vedra Piranha October 11

"A strong statement by Ponte Vedra," wrote Sports Illustrated's veteran football analyst Dr. Z, referring to the Piranha's win over the Hummingbird. "But the real story was Mankato's offensive coordination, or the lack of it, rather. Marshall Faulk is at his best when he's coming out of the backfield, not going deep on post patterns. I just can't imagine what the Mankato coaching staff were thinking, it's like serving a fine Burgundy with swordfish!"

Coach Lonzell Cahill thought he had the answer. "With both Junior Seau and Ray Lewis in our linebacking corps, they knew we had the ability to shut Faulk down. You can't blame them for not wanting to send Marshall over the middle with two human guided missiles just waiting to take his head off. They're a one-man team and an injury to Faulk would finish their season right there!"

The Piranha coach refused to say more about last week's win, insisting that he was concentrating on the team's preparations "to lay the wood to Burnsie's backside" and stating that "no squad of hookers coached by a feline-fancying, towelhead-loving, prune-faced cracker is going to stand in the way of our winning streak!"


Hummingbirds are Good Eatin'
Greenfield Grizzlies October 12

"When Hrbek and I can't find any grouse we often gun down hummingbrids in the field," said a rejuvenated Bud Grant this week at Grizzlies' practice. "You fry em up in a little Shore Lunch, and about 30-40 per man is a good snack." When asked if he thought the Greenfield defense could match their 10 point showing from last week Grant said, "Against the Hummingbirds? I think so. It's kinda funny that they use the Vikings training camp facilities as their regular season stadium, but I guess you really only need room for about 200 and some places for the kids to park their bikes when you're a franchise like that. That whole communal shower thing seems to work for them in the dorms too, I hear. Anywho, they don't worry us too much."


Have Defense, Will Trade
Ponte Vedra Piranha October 12

"We need WR's, that's a fact," said Piranha GM Vox Day. "It's nice to be fully-loaded on the defensive side, since defenses win championships, but even a double-barrelled shotgun only has two barrells." The wily GM indicated that they were looking for at least one quality first-string WR in return for one of the league's three best D's, Baltimore, San Diego, and Chicago.


WEEK FIVE RESULTS

35.16 Ponte Vedra Piranha 4-1-0 .800 167.65 W-4
30.11 Apple Valley Harlots 3-2-0 .600 158.81 L-1
42.14 Baldwin Wallabies 3-2-0 .600 171.99 W-2
17.87 Colorado Cocktails 1-4-0 .200 129.13 L-3
22.78 Greenfield Grizzlies 3-2-0 .600 159.19 W-2
22.10 Mankato Hummingbirds 2-3-0 .400 142.10 L-2
23.07 Naples Navahos 3-2-0 .600 155.29 W-1
14.44 Westfield Westies 3-2-0 .600 154.22 L-1
43.35 Savage Angels 3-2-0 .600 175.61 W-1
24.06 Caserta Sealions 0-5-0 .000 114.52 L-5



PLAYERS OF THE WEEK

---- WR David Patten 1 PTD, 60 yds, 3 TD, 146 yds Savage Angels
---- RB Trung Canidate 2 TD, 238 yds Westfield Westies
---- QB Charlie Batch 3 TD, 338 yds, 1 int Apple Valley Harlots
---- QB Tom Brady 3 TD, 202 yds Savage Angels
---- Jerome Bettis 1 pTD, 1 TD, 143 yds Colorado Cocktails
---- QB Daunte Culpepper 1 TD, 148 yds, 1 rTD, 71 yds, 1 2pt, 1 fum Baldwin Wallabies
---- WR Jeff Graham 2 TD, 107 yds Mankato Hummingbirds
---- Rod Gardner 1 TD, 208 yds Free Agent
---- DEF Pittsburgh 10 ptds, 10 Sak, 1 int Naples Navahos
---- QB Jim Miller 2 TD, 232 yds Free Agent



Grant Relieved Mankato No Longer Right Behind Grizzlies
Greenfield Grizzlies October 15

"It had to be the most stressful coaching day of my life," said a weary Bud Grant Sunday night after Greenfield's last minute victory over the Hummingbirds. "It's nerve wracking enough having another team breathing on your shoulder, but you certainly don't want anyone from Mankato right behind ya. I don't know if this return to coaching thing is for me. In the seventies you didn't have the same fears of other teams.”


Jerry Burns receives "suspicious letter" from Westfield
Apple Valley Harlots October 15

"There was some crusty white powdery shit on it, that's all I fu##kn know", said Jerry Burns when asked to describe a suspicious letter he received Sunday that was postmarked in Westfield. The letter was thought to contain traces of anthrax but after further examination by federal authorities it was discovered to be a foul-smelling blend of urine and semen. "Apparently, someone over at the fuc$#$n Westfield Crusties camp must have some strong feelings for me. This is the kind of thing you'd expect from those FU!@# Hummerbirds". Hell, if you're gonna send me some fu$@! mail then throw a few coupons to the Pub & Grub in there with the money shot."


White Powdery Substance Discovered In LT's Nose
Greenfield Grizzlies October 15

Lawrence Taylor, linebackers coach for the streaking Greenfiled Grizzlies, was rushed to a local hospital when a white powdery substance was discovered in his nose at practice today. The substance tested negative for anthrax, and LT asked that all follo-up inquiries be forwarded to the Waconia Super 8 motel, where he was going to "sniff out" the source of the questionable substance. He was seen leaving his office with a 13-inch color TV under his arm, and a handful of jewelry. The only comment he would give local sports godfather Sid Hartman was "How much do you think I can get for my MVP Trophy?"


Can the Cracker
Ponte Vedra Piranha October 15

"The Hookers ought to can that cracker's wrinkled ass," said Piranha coach Lonzell Cahill following Ponte Vedra's victory over an outmatched Apple Valley team. "I think our GM is pretty much done with Melissa Stark, so I don't see why they don't just put old pruneface out to pasture with her and a keg of Blatz. We didn't even have Donovan going, you know what I'm saying? Yesterday's performance was a clear sign that the game has passed Burnsie by."

Apple Valley management could not be reached for comment, but many Harlots fans were clearly disappointed by the matchup of the MFL's leading teams. Burnsie was contacted, but unfortunately, none of his words could be quoted directly without incurring penalties from the FCC. In order to avoid a substantial fine, Burnsie's comments were run through the Babelfish translator and were translated as follows:

"I have no intention of retiring, and please consider this an invitation to get to know yourself better. We are still in contention for a playoff spot, and it would serve our fans well to learn some patience that is extremely affectionate towards its maternal progenitor. I believe in this team, which is destined to spend eternity outside the comfort of the divine presence, and this team not only believes in me but also believes me to be their paternal progenitor. Enjoy pleasuring yourself. Enjoy pleasuring yourself, you who are entirely too affectionate towards your maternal progenitor. I hope you don't mind if use your posterior to measure my shoe size, you orphaned excrement of poultry derivative..." Unfortunately, at this point, the computer began to emit smoke from the USB port and ceased operation.


Grant Fired - Jeff George Named New Grizzlies Coach
Greenfield Grizzlies October 17

Legendary coach Bud Grant was fired by the Greenfield Grizzlies in a surprising move Wednesday. "The game seems to have passed him by," said Grizzlies ownership group head Tim Stahl. "If we can't beat the hapless Hummingbirds by more than half a point, the old man needs to head back north to the cabin."

Jeff George, when asked about his lack of coaching experience said, "I'm the best quarterback in the MFL, but no-one seems to recognize that. I have no doubt I'll also be the best coach. Plus, I can yell at coaches now and not get in trouble. I just want to go on record as saying that Burnsie and Bolton are both a$%holes. Bolton offered me a job in the beginning of the season and then Burnsie killed the deal. I'll crush those bastards this weekend!!!!!"


Coach Burns to Jeff George: "F#*k You Space Cadet"
Apple Valley Harlots October 17

Reacting to the recent comments made by newly appointed Grizzlies Coach Jeff George, Apple Valley Harlots coach Jerry Burns had this to say: "First and fu#@ing foremost, George Jeff is a fu$#@*g loser space cadet who reads defenses about as well as Stevie Wonder reads War and Peace. Secondly, that bastard is a liar - no one in this organization ever offered him anything except a swift kick to his fu#@#$g moose nuggets, if he even has a pair. That prick will fit in well with the fu#@!g Grimslies. And lastly, never ever trust a man with two fuc#!*g first names".

Burns proceeded to announce Bud Grant as the Harlots new defensive coordinator. "He's a good man", said Burns, "a good man who likes to drink the PBR asap".


Pre-Victory Haiku
Savage Angels October 17

Vedra's time has come
Your roster is laughable
Come Sunday, you're mine



Jerry Burns Crushed to Death When Beer Can Pyramid Falls
Apple Valley Harlots October 18

"We knew he had one hell of a world-class collection of beer cans downstairs, but nothing like this", said Apple Valley Harlots GM Marcus Bolton when asked to comment on the sudden death of his head coach Jerry Burns. Reports indicate Burnsie was downstairs at his AV Mansion working on a Guiness Book-like pyramid of Schmidt beer cans when the great creation - dubbed the 8th wonder of the world by many close to Burns - toppled upon him, knocking him unconscious. Local Police revealed that Burns still had a pulse until one of the cans - presumably the crowned can - suddenly opened up and spilled into Burns' mouth. Said AV police sargeant Bill Rustakoffsky, "it was one of those real old Schmidt outdoor wildlife cans with an elk or some hairy beast on it. I estimate it to be at least 50 years old. Beer that stanky would surely kill a man - even a seasoned drinker like Mr. Burns".

Bolton ordered flags flown at half-mast at Harlots Coliseum. Players will wear a Schmidt beer can logo on their uniforms in memory of Burnsie. Schmidt beer sales will be reduced by 50% off at Sunday's game against Greenfield. It was announced that former Greenfield Coach Bud Grant will take over for Burns.


Local Drunks Mourn Burnsie Passing
Greenfield Grizzlies October 19

The regulars at the Gill and Antlers in neary Prior Lake Minnesota held a public toast off to Burnsie Thursday, an establishment regular. "F%&k that cheap f%&ker! He never picked up a tab in his life," said one bar patron, but the general mood was one of reflective respect. "I never seen a guy drink so much Mickey's in a row in my life as him." "He was ugly but at least he didn't smell bad." "That guy sure was a guy." "Who the hell was Burnsie and who the hell are you!!" "Can I get a dollar," were some of the heartfelt outpourings of affection uttered for a true MFL legend during Happy Hour. "He was the only thing keeping the Harlots from being like those Mankato sissies. I feel kinda sorry for those boys now with Bolton in charge," said an unidentified big-armed quarterback in a Grizzles jersey. "One down, one to go," he muttered.


George Questioned in Burnsie Death
Greenfield Grizzlies October 19

Newly naked Greenfeld head coach Jeff George was roused from bed early this morning by Apple Valley police and questionned extensively about any involvement in the recent untimely passing of Burnsie. "I was planning on handing the guy an ass kicking on Sunday, but that's about it," a clearly angered George said while leaving the police station. "If I wanted Burnsie dead I'd be a little more creative than pushing over his tower of crappy old beer. I might strangle him with his belt with the "Sh%t Happens" belt buckle, or put curare in his morning bloody mary, or smear his pruny body with vaseline while he was passed out piss-faced one night so he'd be slowly smothered to death in his sleep." "C'mon, it's not like I've been planning his death out on paper and in my mind in minute detail or anything."


Possible Connection in Big Walleye, Burnsie Deaths
Ponte Vedra Piranha October 19

"We cannot be sure at this time, but there are some suspicions of Israeli involvement in both of these tragic deaths," said Palestinian Authority spokesman Ali Gabreel Kamal. "We believe that both men were victims of the outrageous Zionist policy of targeted assasinations, at that both men are heroes and martyrs to the noble cause of freedom in Palestine."

While neither Burnsie or the Big Walleye were known to be members of Fatah, the military wing of the former Palestine Liberation Organization, the angry Palestinian nevertheless accused newly appointed Greenfield coach Jeff George of arranging for the inexplicable fatalities.

"This Jeff George, everyone knows he is an agent of the Mossad," declared Mr. Kamal, before announcing that both Palestinians resident in Apple Valley were planning to riot at Burnsie's funeral and burn effigies of President Bush, Arial Sharon, and Jeff George. A heavy police presence is expected.


Jerry Burns Funeral Held Today in Apple Valley
Apple Valley Harlots October 20

Players, fans, suspected terrorists, and beer distributors the world over attended the funeral of the great Jerry Burns today. Burns was killed Thursday by a bizarre and suspicious beer can pyramid "incident" in the basement of his Apple Valley mansion. Tight security was evident all around the Hamm's Funeral Home in Apple Valley. The funeral takes place despite terrorist threats from radical Islamic groups and from Jeff George, two figures that local authorities believe may be involved in Burnsie's tragic death. Eulogies were given by Marcus Bolton (GM of the Harlots), Bud Grant (newly appointed coach of the Harlots), Alex (Stroh's lovable dog mascot), Herschel Walker (idiot), and Jerry DeFamino (owner of Shiek's Palace Royale strip club in downtown Minneapolis).

"It's a real bitch", said an unidentified former player outside the funeral home. "That was one kick-ass can collection. I can see why the terrorists might want it - a weapons-for-cans kind of deal with Arafat perhaps".


Denny Green breaks his vow of silence
Westfield Westies October 20

Denny Green held his first press conference at Westie Park early this morning, ending the vow of silence he committed to after Marshall Faulk destroyed the Westies hopes for the 2000 Loki Cup.

"We have a heavy heart this week ladies and gentlemen. The Westies will be playing with Black uniforms as we mourn the tragic deaths of Coach Burnsie and Cahill...And while I have your ear," Green went on comment, "I want to take this moment to tell all of the Westie fans about the tremendous success I have had with Body Solutions. I take 1 teaspoon at night, on an empty stomach, and have lost 75 pounds in 2 weeks!!! Call 1-800-BODY-LUV, to get talk to the experts at Body Solutions. Mention Denny Green at get 20% off your first order."


Cahill Denies Death, Lambasts Green
Ponte Vedra Piranha October 20

"Reports of my death are totally false," shouted angry Piranha coach Lonzell Cahill in response to Denny Green's inaccurate condolences. "Fatboy Slim or whatever that Uncle Tom is calling hisself now just can't handle the fact that it is my own bad self that is now the most successful black coach in this league. What's his record in the postseason, one and fifty, or suchlike? They's some of us still remember Randall taking a knee for the man against Atlanta, and if there's one thing you all should know about Lonzell Cahill, it's that he don't take no knees for nobody!"

When confronted with Cahill's remarks, Westfield coach Green said that he had made an honest mistake, and confused Coach Cahill with recently departed Apple Valley coach and MFL legend Jerry "Burnsie" Burns. He also denied Cahill's claims that he had taken advantage of the situation to call Cahill's wife, winner of the 1998 Black Miss Mississippi pageant, and said he had only sent her twelve red roses as a "condolence bouquet".

"Although she is one fine piece of booty," the newly slender Westfield coach added. "I may be on a diet, but I wouldn't mind taking a bite out of that, if you know what I mean."


WEEK SIX RESULTS

23.27 Savage Angels 4-2-0 .666 198.88 W-2
21.10 Ponte Vedra Piranha 4-2-0 .666 188.75 L-1
32.84 Baldwin Wallabies 4-2-0 .666 204.83 W-3
14.78 Caserta Sealions 0-6-0 .000 129.30 L-6
26.81 Westfield Westies 4-2-0 .666 182.03 W-1
14.82 Mankato Hummingbirds 2-4-0 .333 156.92 L-3
21.22 Apple Valley Harlots 4-2-0 .666 180.03 W-1
15.68 Greenfield Grizzlies 3-3-0 .500 174.87 L-1
41.09 Colorado Cocktails 2-4-0 .333 170.22 W-1
20.79 Naples Navahos 3-3 .500 176.08 L-1



JERRY BURNS SPOTTED AT GREENFIELD PUMP-N-MUNCH!
Apple Valley Harlots October 22

"I swear it was him, man. He's like, like, the second coming of Jesus freaking Christ. It was a Sunday, man, the holy day, and I swear I saw Burnsie in the cooler aisle check'n out the 3.2 beer selection", said an eyewitness who claims to have spotted the late Jerry Burns at a Greenfield Pump-N-Munch yesterday. The witness continued, "so I approached him man, and I said "hey, ain't you Burnsie?". And he just kinda looked at me with these red eyes and messy hair and mumbled something about Herschel Walker's shoe coming off and Jeff George sleeping with the fishes."

The eyewitness' claim was backed by the cashier at the Pump-N-Munch, "yah it was Burnsie. He bought some 3.2 Old Milwaukee and paid with food stamps. He reeked to high hell like he had just, well, died. And he was sporting a piece at his side - I think it was a .38". Greenfield authorities put out an APB and Jeff George is under tight protection.


Jeff George found murdered in SUV
Greenfield Grizzlies October 22

Jeff George, troubled coach of the Greenfield Grizzlies, was found dead today in his 1998 Ford Excursion in the parking lot of Hafften Lake in Greenfield. "I've never seen anything like it," said Ed McCovey, Greenfiled Police Chief. "He appears to have been force fed beef jerky until it killed him. That was some sick bastard who did it. He also had a 3.2 Old Milwaukee can stuck deep up his rectum. Whoever put it there was gonna need to go home and wash their hand! We're talking about serious stains on the wristwatch."

Tim Stahl, Greenfield GM, commented, "We feel deeply for the George family during their time of tragedy, but we were going to fire him this week anyway since he lost to the Hardlylots over the weekend, so it's nice to save the severence."


THE COMMISSIONER SPEAKS
Ponte Vedra Piranha October 22

Gentlemen,
I have had a request from a league owner to grant additional transactions, and have decided to allow two extra transactions for a total of thirty-two for the season. I am doing so on the basis of the week that was lost after the second game of the season. It was something I considered at the time, but decided to hold off on it until actually getting a request for such an action. In practice, it is necessary to delete two transactions from each team, so if you would like to make use of the extra transactions, please edit your team settings to allow me to modify your transactions and email me with a request to remove them.
I must also announce that recently deceased Greenfield Coach Jeff George will be fined $50,000 for Conduct Unbecoming THE MOST PRESTIGIOUS LEAGUE IN SPORTS. The Greenfield franchise will also be fined $10,000 for its bad habit of losing head coaches. Losing one may be a mistake, two smacks of carelessness.

Byron "Whizzer" White
MFL Commissioner


Note to Commissioner from Baldwin: "BOOOO!"
Baldwin Wallabies October 23

Eric Fleisher, recently hired as Baldwin Coach Dan Lunstad's agent issued this statement from Baldwin Headquarters, "We are not sure why the commissioner owes Apple Valley, but it seems to the fair folks of Baldwin that rules are rules. Mr. Bolton's fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants style of management is no way to run a team. Now my client, Mr. Lunstad's visionary style requires that only a few calculated moves be made to win a Loki Cup. His style should serve as an example for the rest of this league. That way, one won't end up with three running backs from the same team and be bone dry on remaining transactions. To show good sportsmanship, Baldwin will not be asking for the 'extra' transactions."


Note to Commish from Apple Valley: Hooray!
Apple Valley Harlots October 23

Bud Grant, newly appointed head coach of the AV Harlots applauded the MFL Commissioner on his recent decision to add two extra roster moves. Said Grant, "I think it's a wise decision. Some teams, like ours, have considerably less talent to draw from. Competition will only make this league more entertaining and fun. I think it's fabulous to see four or five teams tied at 4-2". He added, "before Burnsie was allegedly killed, he really micro-managed this team to the point where only two players still exist from the original roster. Yet, through excellent coaching and personnel management, we are 4-2 because of it. That says something when we can continue to win games with minimal talent. Shame on the Baldwin Wallabies for criticizing the very principles that make the free enterprise system work here in this fantastic country!"


Bad Idea Commish
Greenfield Grizzlies October 23

"The commissioner has taken away all the player personnel skill and need for wise coaching," decried Tim Stahl from Greenfield Corporate this week. "This league was about doing more with less this year. Doesn't he understand if you can't make an unlimited number of player moves you just knock off your.....ooops, excuse me....I mean fire your coaches instead!"


Art Schleister Named New Grizzlies Coach
Greenfield Grizzlies October 25

"Batch will make Savage his bitch," said the new Greenfield coach Thursday morning at a cold outdoor practice. When asked why the Grizzlies hired a known sports betting felon and handicap rigger Vadnais Heights GM Stahl said, "Plenty of guys participate in work-release programs, and we're here to extend our hand to the less fortunate. Besides, Pete Rose doesn't know anything about football."


WEEK SEVEN RESULTS

27.38 Baldwin Wallabies 5-2-0 .714 232.21 W-4
23.10 Ponte Vedra Piranha 4-3-0 .571 211.85 L-2
21.22 Apple Valley Harlots 5-2-0 .714 201.25 W-2
18.45 Westfield Westies 4-3-0 .571 200.48 L-1
27.59 Greenfield Grizzlies 4-3-0 .571 202.46 W-1
21.35 Savage Angels 4-3-0 .571 220.23 L-1
44.16 Mankato Hummingbirds 3-4-0 .429 201.08 W-1
41.78 Naples Navahos 3-4-0 .429 217.86 L-2
31.85 Colorado Cocktails 3-4-0 .429 202.07 W-1
27.45 Caserta Sealions 0-7-0 .000 141.97 L-7




Schleister Quits as Grizzlies Coach to Cover Spread
Greenfield Grizzlies October 30

Art Schleister, undefeated Grizzlies coach and the first team leader to survive more than one week with the franchise since the untimely passing of the Big Walleye, abruptly quit the position this morning. "What a bunch of morons they have setting over/unders out west," said a grinning Schleister. "The Vegas line was me lasting seven days with a loss and nine with a win, but there was no provision for axing myself, and I do have hiring and firing authority. So I grabbed Ricky Williams ass in the locker room, canned myself for violation of the team's lewd behavior policy, went to the dentist to get my two front teeth put back in, headed over to OTB to pick up the cool $200k I had myself on the under, and trotted off to the lawyer to get the paperwork started on taking everything Ditka gave that dreadlocked monkey. Not a bad mornin'!"

When asked if he suspected a con from his recently named head coach, Tim Stahl said, "You gotta respect the play." Stahl has taken the reigns for this week's matchup against the league leading Wallabies. Although he was fired a head coach of the then V-Heights Venom after just 3 games in 2000, Stahl felt comfortable that with assistant head coach Martina Navratilova's help he could keep the team on its current winning streak.



Caserta Looking for Record
Ponte Vedra Piranha October 30

"I don't parlay that pasta-talk," responded Piranha coach Lonzell Cahill when asked about this week's matchup with the winless Italian squad. "But it's about time for Donovan to snap out of his slump... if he were in anything like normal form, we'd be sitting phat and happy with six-and-one record at the top of the charts."

Piranha GM Vox Day agreed, adding that he believed "Caserta won't break Mankato's infamous fourteen-game streak of futility, but we'll enjoy seeing my good friend wipe our name off the number-two slot on Sunday.” The notorious ladies man also denied that he was involved with the Caserta coach's cousin, insisting that he and the actress Clair were just "close, very close.'



Oprah Appearance for Beale and Lunstad
Greenfield Grizzlies October 31

Navawhores general manager Jeff Beale and Bald"will-not-win-this-week" coach Dan Lunstad recently appeared on Oprah as members of a panel of Men Who Work For Girls. Beale, widely known as a momma's boy as well as a momma's employee, has been at the helm of Becky Beale's franchise for two years now and has had suspect success at best. He does, however, get extra special Christmas and birthday gifts from her for being such a good boy. Lunstad, working under Heather Beale, (figuratively of course), likes being close to a woman in authority. "It's fun to be bossed around again. I missed that from my mom when I went to St Olaf, and now I get a cool office too!"

A teary eyed Beale recounted how his mom helped him during this current two-game losing streak. "Stahl just fires guys up there in Greenfield when they loss, Day sends his losing coach out with supermodels to feel better after a loss, and the Mankato guy gives gentle back rubs to his entire coaching staff, but my mom made oatmeal/raisin cookies and told me I'm a very handsome boy (sniff, sniff). You can't beat a job like that!"



Cover-up in the Commisioner's Office? -- Bob Woodward
Mankato Hummingbirds October 31

In perhaps the biggest scandal to hit the nation since Watergate, the Post has learned through extensive research of league documentation of some "irregularities" in the recent personnel practices. What started with some eyebrow-raising accomodations in terms of personnel allowances seems to have led to outright self-serving rule breaking. Note the following trades:

Oct 30, 12:01 PM PT Coles, Laveranues (WR-NYJ) add (c8) Free Agents Ponte Vedra Piranha
Oct 30, 12:01 PM PT San Diego (DEF-SD) drop (c8) Ponte Vedra Piranha Waivers
Oct 30, 10:57 AM PT Gardner, Rod (WR-Was) add Free Agents Ponte Vedra Piranha
Oct 30, 10:57 AM PT Coles, Laveranues (WR-NYJ) drop Ponte Vedra Piranha Waivers

Somehow, the commisioner of our league was able to allow his favorite team to claim Cole off waivers, who had only spent an hour there. "If only the rest of the league could emulate the solid moral foundation and family values of America's team -- the Mankato Hummingbirds. I just love their Robin's egg blue and gentle yellow tights!" an enraged President Bush was quoted as saying before being hustled off by aides. League governing bodies were discussing potential disciplinary actions. Most severe among the punishments was emasculating the team by placing it in the hands of the family matriarch. "We haven't had much trouble out of his brother who seems content to be in the front office of his mother's team," a source who asked not to be identified was quoted as saying.



Owner's Vote Called by Grizzlies on Ponte Vedra FA Ban
Greenfield Grizzlies October 31

In response to the clear rules violations being conducted by the commissioner, the Grizzlies call for an ownership vote to suspend all free agent dealings for Ponte Vedra for the rest of the season. A 2/3 majority (excluding Ponte Vedra) vote by the other owners is required to suspend Ponte Vedra's priviliges. Tim Stahl, Grizzlies owner, votes yes! The vote will be open for ten days beginning today, October 31. Of course, the commissioner can extend it with his lax rule behavior! Vote now!



Baldwin Votes Down With Commish!
Baldwin Wallabies October 31

Eric Fleisher, agent for GM of the first place Wallabies issued this statement from Mr. Lunstad at Baldwin HQ:

"That rat bastard is guilty! Remember that jibberish about 'Hey, if you want an extra two trades just give me the right to edit your team?' Yeah right, suddenly I'd notice that Daunte Culpepper is starting at QB for Ponte Vedra! Nice try but, no thanks! If I were Apple Valley I'd turn that option off pretty damn quick. I've also noticed that Ponte Vedra has been the number one priority on the waiver wire for serveral weeks... does anyone know how this works or is this another clever ploy by the man upstairs... But like I always say, if he ain't cheatin' he ain't tryin."



AV's Bud Grant: Commish OK With Me
Apple Valley Harlots November 1

Apple Valley Harlots head coach Bud Grant reacted to the recent MFL noise pollution once again spewing from the mouths of Baldwin and Greenfield. "Their claims are unsubstantiated and ill-warranted. They don't even know what the hell they're talking about. The whole two extra roster moves thing is only fair because we lost two moves due to the games cancelled after 9/11. And I'm sure there is complete fairness in the recent transactions made by the commissioner - if they'd give him the opportunity to explain what he did. Maybe Greenfield should focus on actually winning a few games and Baldwin should stop whining because they are tied with us for first place - at least until we get a hold of them.



Grizzles Call for Vote to Ban Piranha from Free Agents
Greenfield Grizzlies November 1

In direct response to the illicit underhanded dealings brought to light by Bob Woodward involving PV GM Vox Day and MFL Commissioner White, the Grizzlies ask the MFL owners to vote on suspending PV's right to add any free agents for the rest of this season. "It's just like the Joe Smith situation," said Grizzlies owner representative Tim Stahl. Under the hasitly formed MFL Commission on Ethics, chaired by Stahl, a vote of the owners with a 2/3 majority would remove free agent privledges from Ponte Vedra for the remaining weeks of the 2001/2002 season and make the Piranhas automatically last in next year's draft. "These are serious rule violations and a serious response is required."

The vote will be open until Nov 10 when a tally of posted opinions will be taken. Vote now owners!



Collusion Between AV and Commish? -- Woodward
Mankato Hummingbirds October 1

The veil of secrecy and suspicion grows ever darker in what used to be one of America's most respected institutions. The following cell phone call was picked up on scanner shortly after the AV/Bud Grant press release.

"Hello, Organization to Stop Native American Net Fishing."
"Hi, this is Vox Day, I'd like to make a contribution in the amount of $100,000 dollars to your cause."
"Why, thank you, sir! Let me put you through to accounting."

Neither OSNANF, Mr. Grant nor Mr. Day were available for comment. This festering sore of corruption must be popped so that the puss will drain out of the league and so that healing can begin!



5 Killed in Protest March on Ponte Vedra
Colorado Cocktails November 1

Five people were killed today in a protest march on the Piranha headquarters. Apparently the chant, “He sold his soul for Laveranues Coles” got too irritating and was answered with a volley of machinegun fire and buckshot. Cocktail owner Ben Lunstad had this to say, “Well I don’t really care about the dead people, it’s the integrity of the MFL I’m worried about. I agree that he should pay a heavy penalty. At the very least he should give up his bye week by forfeiting this weekend to Caserta.” The controversy has spread world wide. President Bush said in his last press conference, “At least America has something else to talk about."

The recent events have also started to divide the league. Cocktail players will begin wearing the black armbands of the New World Order on their uniforms. “I eenvite all de teams in de MFL except de cheatair and de people he cheated for to join de N.W.O. in protest. Privileges include access to de ‘Le Admirals Lounge’ when visiting teams travel to Old Mile High Stadium”, said Cocktail coach Jean Elwee, “what else can we do, he is the commissioner”. Only time will tell how this atrocity will affect the league.



Vox Day Answers Critics
Ponte Vedra Piranha November 1

"First of all, let me say one thing: I am not a crook!" snarled besieged Ponte Vedra GM Vox Day. "The league bylaws clearly state that if a manager drops a player by mistake, he is allowed to ask the League Commissioner to void the transaction. We were down two WRs, and I was, shall we say, a little distracted by my friend Monica who had just stopped by to deliver a pizza while I was taking care of business. I meant to drop those Baltimore stiffs!"

"But what about the rumors of improper contacts with Commissioner White?" asked CNN/SI's Peter King.

"I don't know about any of his contacts being improper," answered GM Day. "Now perhaps it would have been more customary to have a lawyer handle our communications instead of two nineteen year-old secretaries, but certainly there was no wrongful intent and all of our office assistants are former Vivid employees with massive breast implants. As far as what kind of contacts were involved, you'll have to ask Devon and Jana about that."

The embattled GM bit his lip in a manner remniscent of former President Clinton, and said that he "regretted" the deaths of five rioters shot earlier in the day. "But let's keep this in perspective, people. It's freakin' Coles we're talking about here! If I wanted to cheat, don't you think I'd be fielding a better receiving trio than Toomer, Coles, and some no-name who plays for the Redskins?"



Special Investigator Named
Greenfield Grizzlies November 1

Janet Reno has been retained by the MFL to further investigate the so called "mistakes" made by PV GM Vox Day. "I like nubile nineteen year-old girls as much as the next person," said Reno. "But there are rules that must be followed, and I intend to stick my nose in every crack of the Ponte Vedra organization." "We have great confidence in Ms. Reno after her exemplary handling of both Waco and Ruby Ridge, said Tim Stahl, Grizzlies GM. "I'm sure she'll show the same sensitivity, compassion, and fashion sense that she illustrated in dealing with those two mishaps."



Mike Lynn Joins Coalition to Suspend Cheatin' Commish
Westfield Westies November 2

In a press conference early this morning, Westie GM Mike Lynn announced his support of the N.W.O. "There is no place for tomfoolery and skullduggery in this league. We all have to fight the distractions of pizza-girls, that is no excuse. String'em up!"



Have some cheese with your whine!
Apple Valley Harlots November 2

Enough bickering and let's play football, girls. The Commish has done an outstanding job overseeing the MFL. Why, I've seen a web page he put together that has chronicled every season and aspect of this historical league, complete with overall team records and all of the great posts. I ask, does anybody else really have the time and inclination to do this? For me to do what he does I would have to move out of my house in Apple Valley, leave my family behind, and move into my father's basement with nothing but my computer, a kegmeister, and a Sam's Club bag of funyons. But hey, Mr. Wallaby, if you think you can be the commish then hop your hairy ass to it, bunny man.



Mysterious Brown Substance Found on Bolton's Nose
Baldwin Wallabies November 3

From the AP:

A mysterious brown substance was found on Apple Valley GM Marcus Bolton's nose. With all the recent terrorist threats, Bolton was immediately rushed to a local hospital. After an investigation, doctors found the substance to be poop. No one is sure why or how it got there, but authorities have subpoened the MFL Commisioner in hopes of getting a sample of his fecal matter and further explanation.

"It just doesn't make sense," remarked baffled AV deputy officer Steven Jennings. "What kind of sick bastard sniffs another man's naked butt?" Bolton was unavailable for comment as he was receiving a thorough examination. "We want to make sure he doesn't end up with an E. coli infection and then we are going to send him up to the psychiatric ward," said Dr. Kaminsky who is assigned to Bolton. "We are worried about his peculiar behaviour and his incessant ranting. He keeps repeating '#@!# !@#$ more free agents @#$!' over and over." A prayer vigil is scheduled at Apple Valley headquarters this evening.



Unnamed Source Names Mankato's Preferred Punishment
Mankato Hummingbirds November 4

Reporter plays disturbing tape to local media:

"Do we think that the Commish has been fair?!?!?"
Team - "Nooooo!!!!!"
"Should the Commish be punished?!?!?"
Team - "Yeeessss!!!!"
- "And what should the punishment be?"
Team - "Spankings! The Spankings!"
"And after the spankings?!? --
-- Hey there's someone outside this door with the tape machine! Let's get him!"

It appears that Mankato has gone its own way on the preferred form of punishment. An interesting question is which punishment the governing bodies will choose to enforce, and who (should spankings be chosen) will administer the punishment. Certainly, the Mankato squad seemed disturbingly eager to take matters into there own - ahem - hands, as it were.



Beale Heard Screaming in Office
Naples Navahos November 4

From the Desk of Kurt Loder:
Early this Monday morning I attempted an impromptu interview with Owner/GM of the Naples Navahos, Jeffrey Beale, feeling that Mr. Beale would be obliged to discuss recent news in the MFL. To be more specific, I attempted to get a comment on the allegations of the actual ownership of the franchise and to try to get the details of the secret meeting on the final offer regarding the "sale" of the team. The official word was that Mrs. Rebecca Beale sold the team for a mere dollar in a resolve concerning Jeffrey's combined birthday and Christmas present last year. This meeting took place in the Spring before last year's season and was done rather rapidly, so Mr. Beale could rid his new front office secretaries and find others "that had better physical redeeming values that best represented the team."

Secondly, I attempted to question him on his stance concerning his brother's current situation and whether or not his stance would affect this year's birthday present from his older sibling. Shortly before being ushered out the front door by a Navaho henchman/security guard, I quote Beale's comments as they boomed behind his dual cedar doors:

"YOU LOST IT? ARE YOU SHITTING ME? OF COURSE I'M PISSED! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS? ARE YOU AWARE OF WHAT DATE THIS IS? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THIS COULD DO TO ME? HOLD ON A MINUTE....WHO'S HERE? GET HIM THE F*CK OUT OF HERE! I CAN'T TALK TO HIM RIGHT NOW YOU F*CKING IDIOT! JUST GET HIM OUT OF HERE YOU IMBECILE!"



WEEK EIGHT RESULTS

27.19 Baldwin Wallabies 6-2-0 .750 259.40 W-5
25.36 Greenfield Grizzlies 4-4-0 .500 227.82 L-1
37.47 Apple Valley Harlots 6-2-0 .750 239.93 W-3
37.06 Naples Navahos 3-5-0 .375 254.92 L-2
33.12 Savage Angels 5-3-0 .625 253.35 W-1
23.01 Westfield Westies 4-4-0 .500 222.49 L-2
27.16 Ponte Vedra Piranha 5-3-0 .625 239.01 W-1
23.48 Casert Sealions 0-8-0 .000 180.23 L-8
53.01 Colorado Cocktails 4-4-0 .500 257.08 W-3
33.92 Mankato Hummingbirds 3-5-0 .375 235.00 L-1




Continue to Weeks Nine through Fifteen.