MFL Posts 2000
Unfortunately, the number of posts in the 2000 season was well in excess of the number allowed by Yahoo, which meant that all of the messages posted through Week 9 have been lost to history. This is truly a great loss for humanity, for many great stories and brilliantly offensive insults now linger only in the oft-abused brain cells of the MFL's inner circle. The short and tragic saga of Chief Sh!tting Bull and his failed attempt to bring respectability to the relocated Lugano franchise, the bizarre story of Timmy Stahl and his search for employment following his short-lived tenure at the helm of the Venom, these and many other stories are now, sadly, gone forever.
There can be no question, though, that the big stories of the first half of the 2000 MFL season revolved around the shocking success of two teams, the former lowly Ponte Vedra Piranha and the expansion Savage Angels, and the mystifying collapse of the defending champion Mankato Hummingbirds after a respectable 2-0 start.
A number of changes were made for the 2000 season. The schedule was increased to 15 games due to a popular outcry among the millions of fans who follow the MFL on a weekly basis. The point system was modified to allow for players to score points based on yardage, which has had the result of greatly increasing the average game score. Some things, however, have not changed, as the Vadnais Heights Venom again won the first choice in the draft, and arguably, again wasted it.
And so we join our story, already in progress....
WEEK 9 RESULTS
69 - Fridley Ferrets (6-3)
65 - Ponte Vedra Piranha (8-1)
78 - Minneapolis Freeze (4-5)
62 - Savage Angels (6-3)
52 - Vadnais Heights Venom (5-4)
28 - Mankato Hummingbirds (2-7)
73 - Naples Navahos (3-6)
49 - Baldwin Wallabies (2-7)
Ferrets, Freeze making runs for MFL title
Minneapolis Freeze October 30
The two top teams in last year's MFL are once again positioning themselves for another title run. The Ferrets have put together an impressive win streak that has included a crushing defeat of the once unbeaten euro-trash Piranhas. The Freeze have also put together a string of victories including a win over the second place Savage Angels (who idiotically forgot to replace two of their receivers that had byes). Ironically, both teams started their win streaks after making a trade involving Cris Carter and Tyrone Wheatley. Said Freeze coach Jerry Burns, "once you get past the Ponte Vedra Crappies, there isn't much there for competition. Everybody knows those goofy swiss miss bastards are going to collapse. The Freeze have only begun to fu#^%n fight!"
Earth to "Mike", Earth to "Mike" Landvik
Ponte Vedra Piranha November 1
The weasly Ferrets coach is clearly taking too many appetite suppressants. One measly win streak, only half as long as the Piranha's record-setting performance, and he thinks he's got a shot at the Loki Cup?
HA! The mere thought subjects one to uncontrolled urination. If Charlie Garner's 75-yard touchdown run doesn't get called back for a very questionable hold, then the Piranha are at 9 wins and a guaranteed playoff spot, which will come anyhow next week at the expense of the Big Walleye, who won't be spending any time looking at the Venom playbook now that Paula Jones' Penthouse pictures are out.
Oh, and big congratulations to the Hummingbirds, who've managed to tie the all-time losing streak of seven games set by... ahem, never mind.
Did Marcus say something? I can't hear anything from THAT FAR DOWN IN THE CELLAR!
What happened to the 'Birds?
Mankato Hummingbirds November 2
[Mankato - Nov 2, 2000]
Although repeating as champion at any level of sports (let alone the den of lions that is the MFL) is difficult, sports fans everywhere are beginning to ask questions about the Mankato Hummingbirds 'anemic' effort. "We've had a lot colds and flus that just don't seem to go away" said a puzzled Lunstad. "The locker rooms aren't as 'happy' as they once were." Perhaps it is only that the offensive line is now averaging a little under 175 lbs a player. Whatever the reason, the jackals around the league had best be watchful, lest this slumbering giant awakes to spoil their party.
WEEK 10 RESULTS
71 - Ponte Vedra Piranha (9-1)
69 - Vadnais Heights Venom (5-5)
118 - Fridley Ferrets (7-3)
54 - Naples Navahos (3-7)
62 - Savage Angels (7-3)
56 - Mankato Hummingbirds (2-8)
92 - Baldwin Wallabies (3-7)
49 - Minneapolis Freeze (4-6)
A New Record In Futility
Ponte Vedra Piranha November 7
Piranha coach Vox Day was smiling on Election Day as he greeted reporters in the smoking room of the Sawgrass Country Club. "I just want to congratulate Coach Lunstad on the new depths he has plumbed... that record of seven straight losses was not something our franchise was particularly proud of."
When asked about his red velvet smoking jacket, the stylish coach admitted that he was having "a Cuban or three, courtesy of my good friend in Havana" to celebrate yesterday's victory over the Vadnais Heights Venom. "The Big Walleye got the most out of his boys yesterday... no one says he's not a good coach, he's just a little out of his league as a GM, that's all."
Asked if he had any other predictions, Coach Day answered that George Bush would go on to win the election, and that next week the Hummingbirds would extend their new record to nine games without a win, courtesy of the powerful Piranha.
Big Walleye Hospitalized After Hearing Voices
Vadnais Heights Venom November 8
Vadnais Heights - "Wasn't that an interception Elvis just threw," is all the Big Walleye was saying over and over again as he was escorted from the sidelines half way through the first quarter of the Venom's nail biting loss to the Ponte Vedra powerhouse. Assistant coaches told the press that out of nowhere, the coach suddenly became distracted on the field, and began repating the one line over and over in a lisping feminine voice.
Doctors at St John's hospital in Maplewood held a short press conference after the Big Walleye had been subdued and sedated. "Apparently, he is hearing voices. He insists that he heard the voice of a quote 'Super Gay Greased Up Leather Boy Toy' whispering to him in his headphones that his quarterback had made a passing mistake. After trying to shut it out for a period of 10 to 15 minutes, he recalls that something suddenly snapped. Right up until he finally succumb to the Rivlin/Morphine/Valium cocktail we administered to him, he was continuing to chant the line over and over - occassionally sitting bolt uprgith in bed and screaming 'Please tell me the Dayton's 13 hour sale isn't over, Mama. Pleaaaaaassseeeee.' He's currently resting fitfully."
WEEK 11 RESULTS
67 - Ponte Vedra Piranha (10-1)
36 - Mankato Hummingbirds (2-9)
94 - Fridley Ferrets (8-3)
70 - Minneapolis Freeze (4-7)
56 - Baldwin Wallabies (4-7)
48 - Savage Angels (7-4)
61 - Vadnais Heights Venom (6-5)
47 - Naples Navahos (3-8)
Playoff Picture Coming Into Focus
Vadnais Heights Venom November 14
With 4 weeks left in the MFL regular season, the playoffs run is in full swing. Ponte Vedra has secured the first playoff spot and needs 2 wins to claim home field advantage throught the layoofs. Fridley needs one win to wrap up a spot. Savage needs 2 wins, and the Venom need 3. The Freeze and the Wallabies need to win out the remainder of their schedules to have a chance at playing for the coveted Loki Cup, as well as some help from the other teams in the league in holding down the Venom for the rest of the season. The Hummingbirds and Navahos just plain suck!
Powerful Piranha Clinch Playoffs!
Ponte Vedra Piranha November 14
"We may not know who the President is, but the MFL sure knows who is El Presidente!" declared an exultant Coach Day, clenching an unlit Havana between his teeth. "This season has been a magnificent turnaround, and it's just tremendous to see the boys hit double-digit wins in the regular season."
Asked if he had any concerns about the recent Fridley winning streak, the coach and sometime GQ model shook his head. "The Ferrets are a streaky team, and it looks like they're revving up just in time to tank in the playoffs. They fall down under pressure. Considering MFL history, I'm much more concerned about the Venom. The last two Loki Cup champions, Mankato and Anoka, both snuck into the playoffs and then went on a tear. So Vadnais Heights and Baldwin are probably the two to keep an eye on."
The coach ended the interview and retired in the company of a woman who bore a suspicious resemblance to Lucy Liu.
WEEK 12 RESULTS
50 - Naples Navahos (4-8)
30 - Ponte Vedra Piranha (10-2)
94 - Fridley Ferrets (9-3)
58 - Savage Angels (7-5)
41 - Minneapolis Freeze (5-7)
40 - Vadnais Heights Venom (6-6)
83 - Baldwin Wallabies (5-7)
46 - Mankato Hummingbirds (2-10)
Wallabies Bouncing to Possible Play-off Birth!
Baldwin Wallabies November 21
After what Coach Dan Lunstad called a "sub-par" year, the Baldwin Wallabies have begun to assert themselves in the MFL. Last year's runner-ups now sit only 1 game out of the play-off race. Next on their list; the V-Heights Venom.
"The Venom have led a charmed life during this season," Coach Lunstad said from the film room where he was studying film of Piranha owner Vox Day smoking a Cohiba and drinking a maritini all while entertaining 2 young Italian girls. "If you look at their offensive output, it is pathetic! Lady Luck won't be on their side much longer."
When asked about the silence from owner Heather Beale, Lunstad responded saying, "I think that question should be directed at Mr. Day."
Ferrets weasel into playoff picture
Fridley Ferrets November 21
After a horrendous start to the season the streaking Ferrets have put themselves into playoff contention. GM Adam Landvik is riding a 7-game win streak going into the final weeks of the season and hoping to finish the season in 1st place for the second straight season.
In a press conference at Ferret Park this morning VP of Operations Mike Lynn commented about the Ferrets chances to earn home field advantages in the playoffs. “The once mighty Piranha are started to show cracks in their armor. Their loss to the cellar dwelling Navahos is proof that their Swiss Cheese roster is full of holes.”
Baldwin Coach Lacks Discipline
Vadnais Heights Venom November 22
After winning a game despite starting a defense with a bye week, Little Danny Lunstad did not have the class to fine himself for his lack of leadership. "That pansy from Europe fined himself," the Big Walleye told reporters gathered at the annual Vadnais Heights Booya. "I guess that little rich boy from North Oaks fined his nanny or something for being brain dead last week. He was probably at some catillion or country club mixer when he should have been running his team."
Lunstad Threatens to Finish Season Without a Defense!
Baldwin Wallabies November 22
After hearing of Stahl's tirade against his decision to not use a starting defense, Coach Lunstad bellowed, "Stahl needs to figure out a way to score points instead of trying to run my team! That guy tried reminding me on a Wednesday that I needed to put non-bye players into my starting line-up because HE needed me to beat the Freeze!
"Well Mr. Stahl, spare no concern for me or my Wallabies. We've outscored your Venom by well over a hundred points this season! Just because your Pansy squad has caught several lucky breaks doesn't mean you can criticize my coaching techniques. Who knows, maybe I won't start a defense for the rest of the year? We'd still triumphantly bound over you and into the play-offs!"
Baldwin Wis. Vacation Oasis for Bossaker
Vadnais Heights Venom November 22
Citing stress from his recent "troubles" at the Minneapolis Arena Club, Steven Bossaker has sought haven in Baldwin Wis. "I love it there. The people are so friendly and their football coach and I spend myriad hours together, steaming, talking, and communicating as only men like we can. You might now understand that kind of lifestyle, but that little town has just the right pace for me."
Baldwin Owner To Investigate, Review GM's Contract
Baldwin Wallabies November 26
Expressing "serious concerns" about the rumored Bossacker incident in Baldwin, Wallabies owner Heather Beale announced her intention to investigate the charges and determine if the Baldwin coach had in fact violated any of the numerous morals and decency clauses in his Coach and General Manager's contract.
"I have every confidence that young Daniel will be exonerated, and that we will make the playoffs this year. Of course, since through no fault of his own, he does have connections to those behind the infamous Hummingbirds, we were sure to write his contract so that there would be no leeway in the event he chose to coach Mankato style."
Steven Bossacker could not be reached for comment.
WEEK 13 RESULTS
94 - Minneapolis Freeze (6-7)
61 - Ponte Vedra Piranha (10-3)
57 - Baldwin Wallabies (6-7)
44 - Fridley Ferrets (9-4)
61 - Savage Angels (8-5)
40 - Vadnais Heights Venom (6-7)
74 - Naples Navahos (5-8)
59 - Mankato Hummingbirds (2-11)
Big Walleye Issued Warning by Upstart Wallabies
Baldwin Wallabies November 28
In a surprising move, the brilliant GM/Coach of the Baldwin Wallabies has issued a warning to all MFL teams and specifically, Big Walleye.
"Most of the MFL teams had counted out the Wallabies, but here we are, in control of our own destiny. The Big Walleye be warned: I have seen the lame roster moves you are making in preparation of our big game, but let me save you some time... you ain't got a chance against this avalanche of domination known as the Bouncing Wallabies from Baldwin. And to the rest of you, from the Piranha to the Freeze, Baldwin is back on the map!" Lunstad bellowed at a recent press conference in Baldwin.
When asked what sparked this recent blast toward the rest of the League and specifically Big Walleye, Lunstad smirked and quickly left the podium to return to the film room where it is rumored that he and a top Ventura Aid had been working for the last 3 days. No one knows specifically what the two had been up to, but several deliveries had been made to the room by local liquor depots and novelty shops around the Baldwin area.
Wallabie Soup a Walleye's Favorite Dish
Baldwin Wallabies November 28
Unphased by taunts of the tutu wearing head coach of Baldwin, the Big Walleye made a number of roster changes this morning in an attempt to field a team that could actually put some players on the field. "It was one ridiculous injury after another last week. Curtis Martin hurts his butt, Elvis has a booboo on hi finger - what a bunch of wimps! I've got a good notion to go with nothing but backups just to show that anyone who actually starts and entire team can beat Lunstad!"
Baldwin Coach Lunstad Cleared
Baldwin Wallabies November 29
A spokesman for Wallabies owner Heather Beale announced that following an extensive investigation of the so-called "Bossacker incident", it had been determined that Coach Lunstad had not, in fact, violated the Morals and Decency clauses of his five-year contract. Despite protests from the Baldwin League of Decency, the Wallabies' spokesman insisted that "This is not a whitewash!"
However, he did admit later in an exclusive interview with the Baldwin Bulletin that he had used the word whitewash in a definition "tighter than the Big Walleye's grip on the Little Walleye when he's watching film".
WEEK 14 RESULTS
76 - Ponte Vedra Piranha (11-3)
33 - Savage Angels (8-6)
94 - Fridley Ferrets (9-4)
32 - Mankato Hummingbirds (2-12)
46 - Minneapolis Freeze (7-7)
41 - Naples Navahos (5-9)
87 - Vadnais Heights Venom (7-7)
85 - Baldwin Wallabies (6-8)
"I'm From North Oaks So I don't start Full Teams"
Vadnais Heights Venom December 3
To a man, all head coaches in the MFL with North Oaks roots have failed to field full teams at least once this season. The latest was Jeff Beale, starting no kicker in a 5 point loss to the Freeze and completely altering the playoff landscape. What's in the water of Pleasant Lake??
Short Week...UNFORTUNATE!!!
Naples Navahos December 7
So the Navs are officially out. Surprise, Surprise. It's really too bad 'cuz I had a great shot to finish on top of you your big stinky fish coach! Way to slip outta the playoffs!
We outta throw down in a toilet bowl. Grab your plunger and fence!
Life in North Oaks
Ponte Vedra Piranha December 8
Darling, have you heard what that horrible man from, oh dear, now what is that awful place called? Madness Heights or some such nonsense? He says that you haven't been playing enough people, which is just silly because you know I sent both the maid and the gardener out to the stadium just in case your little team was shorthanded.
Oh, he also said something about a large fish. What a strange person! No wonder they call it Madness Heights.
Press Release -- Landvik Moves Franchise
Fridley Ferrets November 21
AP Press Release:
Scores of moving vans were seen cleaning out Ferret Park early this morning. MFL franchise owner Adam Landvik was persuaded by the city of Vadnais Heights to move the perennial playoff contending Ferrets to a new state-of-the-art facility in Vadnais Heights.
Vadnais City Council members voted unanimously to build Landvik a new facility near the intersection of County Road F and McMenemey. Council member Mary Stahl spoke of the decision to woo the Ferrets to Vadnais. “The citizens of Vadnais deserve a winning team, we have suffered through two agonizing seasons with the Venom and need a new option. Mr. Landvik has a history of putting together winning teams, his team won the regular season last year and is in position to win the regular season again this year”.
Groundwork for the new stadium will begin early next week. The stadium will be ready for the start of the 2001 season. Landvik’s team will play their 2000 playoff games at Venom’s outdated Terrordome. Since the Venom don’t have a chance for a home playoff game the Terrordome is available for Landvik’s run for the Loki Cup.
GM Mike Lynn commented on the decision to move the franchisee. “The opportunity to move the franchisee to Vadnais was too good to pass up. The citizens of Vadnais have welcomed us with open arms. Our first round playoff game, which will be the first MFL playoff game in Vadnais, sold out in less than one hour.”
The franchisee plans to announce the new name of the team before the playoffs begin next week.
***Landvik is also moving his family to Vadnais soon. He reached an agreement to purchase a house last night and will move his family Feb. 3 at 10:00 am. MFL owners are welcome to help with the move, contact Adam for details.
Terrordome Overtaken by Armed Venom Fans
Vadnais Heights Venom December 8
In response to the announcement by the Fridley Ferrets of a pending deal to relocate to Vadnais Heights, the Terrordome, home to one of only two Loki Cup champions in the history of the league, was stormed and taken over by crazed, heavily armed Venom fans. "The only way the Ferrets are getting in here is with a ticket!!" bellowed one heavy-set goateed man.
The Venom have a 25 year lease with the city of Vadnais Heights having only relocated there 2 years ago from Anoka. "Rumors of a deal with Fridley are unfounded," said Vadnais Heights Mayor Susan Banovetz. "We offered them the opportunity to locate a stadium where our current dump is located if the raised all the funding themselves, and told them that in the interim they could play on the big softball field behind the elementary school, but they didn't seem that pleased by the offer."
Local Police Chief Robert Chauncey was quoted as saying, "Normally we'd just wait out those crazy Venom fans, and when they fell asleep we'd storm the stadium, kill them all violently, and restore order. Unfortunately the ease with which one can score Meth in this town could mean a long wait on those crazy boyz."
WEEK 15 RESULTS
80 - Ponte Vedra Piranha (12-3)
71 - Baldwin Wallabies (6-9)
76 - Fridley Ferrets (11-4)
64 - Vadnais Heights Venom (7-8)
82 - Minneapolis Freeze (7-7)
72 - Mankato Hummingbirds (2-13)
79 - Savage Angels (9-6)
73 - Naples Navahos (5-10)
FINAL REGULAR SEASON STANDINGS
1. Ponte Vedra Piranha *
2. Fridley Ferrets *
3. Baldwin Wallabies *
4. Minneapolis Freeze *
5. Vadnais Heights Venom
6. Naples Navahos
7. Baldwin Wallabies
8. Mankato Hummingbirds
* = makes playoffs
Piranha Power Into Playoffs
Ponte Vedra Piranha December 12
"There will be no victory celebration!" declared GM Vox Day after his turnaround team completed their amazing regular season run by walloping the Wallabies for the third straight time. "We have a job to finish, and we haven't done it yet!" The intense GM, who is also the team's coach, stunned observers by announcing that he would fire himself if the Piranha did not win the Loki Cup. "I just want the boys to know I mean bidness, if you know what I'm saying."
When asked if he expected to win, Coach Day said that it didn't matter if the Freeze called in Trent Tucker or old Mother Hubbard, the Minneapolis team was still going to melt in the Ponte Vedra heat. He went on to say that he expected to meet Savage in the championship game, as the Ferrets are "known chokers".
Freeze ready to ignite in sub zero temps
Minneapolis Freeze December 12
No doubt the hottest and most dangerous team heading into the MFL playoffs is the Minneapolis Freeze. Winners of their last 4 games, the Freeze have been putting up massive points en route to their second consecutive playoff appearance. Now they are quietly positioning themselves for an upset of the top ranked Piranhas. Said head coach Jerry Burns from his meat locker at Blue Bunny Stadium, "it's fu*!'n cold around here, minus 30 or some sh!t, but our guys are loose and ready to crack open a can of kick butt. Now, hand me that can of Hamm's over there would you? And that pack of Winston's too, please."
AP Press Release
Westfield Lane Westies December 16
In spite of a mid-season transition, the newly named Westfield Lane Westies are primed to win the 2000 Loki Cup. The squad will play their playoff games at the local City Park, Westfield Park. The city of Vadnais Heights graciously provided the Westies with 20,000 bleacher seats from the barren Terrordome.
Some MFL pundits thought the city of Vadnais Heights could not support two MFL teams. But a surprisingly high number of North Oaks residents made the journey to the Terrordome last weekend to watch the new team in town deep six any hopes the Venom had for a Loki Cup run. The growing numbers of North Oaks fans coming to Vadnais just want to see a team that fields a complete starting lineup. Kevin McHale, who now has more time on his hands, was seen in the stadium watching the game with Westie GM Mike Lynn. Both McHale and Lynn would not comment on the nature of their discussion but rumors have circulated that McHale might join the management of the Westies in the near future. McHale may be used to help the Westies in their effort to build a new stadium in Vadnais.
Only 25 crazed Venom fans had to be “put to sleep” after the Venom fell to the Westies Monday night. After the wigged out Venom fans came down from their meth highs they realized that their season was lost and a pocket of fans eventually wandered into the Westies side of the stands late Monday night and were cheering for Edgerin James in his 3 TD performance.
Who let the Dawgs out?
Westfield Lane Westies December 16
The playoff excitement started early this morning in Vadnais Heights as scores of tail-gaters huddled in the parking lot at Westfield Park. At 10:30 this morning, after most fans had put down a couple 13-14 cold ones, the growing fan base began to scream at the top of their lungs, “Who let Dawgs out!?!? Who? Who Who?”
Venom fans, still flying high from their Friday night activities, joined in the screaming but clearly had no idea of what they were doing. Apparently Venom fans are not accustomed to the MFL playoff excitement and thought Eminem was in concert....
Stadium Manager not Surprised by Bleacher Switching
Naples Navahos December 17
After a unexpected late move from Fridley to Vandais Heights, the Ferrets, now known as the Westies were expected to ruffle a few feathers with the local fans. Many Venom fans were confused by the situation because apparently a false rumor went around that the city was cutting the Blue Cross/Blue Shield 'Quit Meth at Your Own Pace' Program. However when many of them realized they were merely getting another football team and the subsidized drug program would continue, the frenzy turned from rebellion to celebration.
"I here da phone ring, so I run," commented Sven, the Terrordome Stadium manager, "Day tell me ta poot seats to park 'cuz nobody like Snake team. Dog team popular, yah know. I have good dawg et home too. Everybody likes dawgs." When asked if Sven thought if Venom fans would adapt and find the new team more popular, he stated, "Yah, Yah," then added, "Will problee have ta poot more seats from stadium to park. I jus' hope ta not step on any needles, ya know, when I do that."
Burns Goes Crazy at Press Conference
Westfield Lane Westies December 18
Freeze coach Jerry Burns went on a tirade against the media last night after several members of the press questioned his choice at QB. "You think you can make the right !*%@%! calls you freaking *&#%$^*#@, armchair sittin' &^#*@^$(^#, *&(#&&@)@($__&@##*&@*^* spankin', crossed eyed lookin' *#&$)&#(&$%(".
“So *#&%)@& what if Manning scored 17 more points than &#(@&%in’ McNair, that **(&#$(&^ priss from the across the pond has no *(#&)^_)&@ chance to score 5 points tonight, we’re goin to battle with the Westies for the Loki Cup in what will be the match-up of the biggest rivals in the MFL!”
It appeared to those closest to Burnsie that he was simply preparing his expletives for his children’s special, Christmas Stories With Burnsie.
Despite rumors, Burns remain calm, confident, sedated
Minneapolis Freeze December 18
Sure he started Steve McNair at QB, but they were playing Cleveland for crimony sakes. And look what Eddie George did to them. Why not start McNair knowing that Tennessee was fighting for home field throughout. "It was an executive fu#!#n decision on my part and I'm stick'n fu#!@n to it. Manning has been a fu!@#!n suspect for me all season. A TD here, 2 INTs there - he just wasn't gett'n the fu@!#!n job done. If anybody, I should have started that other young negro QB - Aaron fu!@!n Brooks". Nonetheless, Burns is overly optimistic that his Freeze team will prevail over the heartless and arrogant Ponte Vedra Puppies.
Wellstone takes Loki Cup legislation to the Senate
Vadnais Heights Venom December 18
Washington - In response to the tainted MFL playoffs with an absentee landlord Savage Angels allowing a low scoring Westie team to move along to the championship game - Senator Paul Wellstone of Minnesota has brought an emergency bill to his colleagues to declare this year's eventual Loki Cup champion null, and leave the cup in Mankato for another year. "This league is like the WWF. It's badly scripted and corrupt to it's core. Naples doesn't start a kicker so the playoffs get a Freeze team that clearly can't compete with the top teams in the league - Savage checks out and let's an under-manned, underperforming team like Fridley scrape by it. This is not the way Thomas Jefferson envisioned football leagues when he was carving his turkey with the Indians right after he bought Manhattan for $13 in the Louisiana purchase with his good friends Lewis and Clark at the first Thanksgiving. He would have turned to Sitting Bull and said 'Wow - that's pretty lame'. Well in Thomas Jefferson's absence, I will pick up the mantle and declare this season 'pretty lame' and push for the lame-duck champion to retain the cup another year." said an animated Wellstone between tears at a tree hugging convention in Staples, Minn Sunday.
If the legislation passes, President Clinton has vowed to sign it. When asked what his position was on the scandal, the lame-duck President was quotoed as saying "Do they have cheerleaders in this MFL? No!? Then somebody's gotta pay the piper!"
The Sludge Report
Naples Navahos December 18
Amidst a disappointing season in which all hopes of a Loki Cup championship have been lost, a more popular team moving into town and sexual misconduct from a former head coach Timmy Stahl, it seems as if nothing more could go wrong for the Vandais Heights Venom. Though they have secured a spot in next week's Toilet Bowl Championship, the location of past Loki Cup championships, the Terrordome, is in mere shambles after securing a victory over the Mankato Hummingbird's. Not only have there been various bleachers removed to be used by town rival Westfield Westies, but another 20,000 seats have been either defaced or destroyed by stoned, strung-out fans.
"Apparently, it was 'Free Meth Day' here on Sunday," stated Special Investigator Vince Scully, "which I guess was some publicity stunt by that Walleye guy in order to draw more of a crowd."
Even with the marketing ploy, the total fan attendance was half that of the Westies on Sunday. When asked about whether attendance has dropped because of the putrid play of the Venom or because of the latest conspiracy charge against the MFL, Scully rolled his eyes and said:
"Ah...Wellstone, that troll, can't accept the fact that this franchise is no longer big money for him. I have been recently assigned to this case and the only conspiracy I have found in this is between Wellstone and the Big Walleye," he paused then added, "the Venom used to be a financial Gravy Train for Wellstone but now is merely a drug-induced Groovy Train!"
Carved In Stone
Ponte Vedra Piranha December 18
"There will be no controversy!" about the 2000 Loki Cup, announced Ponte Vedra coach Vox Day. "Only a Ponte Vedra win next week can restore the public's confidence in this league. Considering the shameful performance of Landvik and Lynn in sneaking their franchise of chokers out of Fridley in the middle of the night, the feeble coaching of the Savage, 'I start seven' Angels, the bounceless Wallabies, and the mere existence of the Naples Not-a-clues, it's no wonder that attendance is down everywhere but North Florida."
When asked to elucidate, the confident coach explained the Piranha were destined to win the MFL championship because: "It is science!" He went on to announce that 'Ponte Vedra Piranha' were already engraved on the famous Loki Cup.
FIRST ROUND PLAYOFF RESULTS
59 - Ponte Vedra Piranha
55 - Minneapolis Freeze
58 - Savage Angels
51 - Westfield Lane Westies
Freeze Frozen Out!
Ponte Vedra Piranha December 19
Once again, the Minneapolis Freeze have melted down in the first round of the MFL playoffs. "It will interesting to learn who coach Jerry Burns will lay the blame on this time, now that Trent Tucker isn't there to kick around anymore," commented Monday Night Football's Melissa Stark at the St. Paul airport after covering the latest Fridley/Westfield debacle. "Who's he going to cuss out now, Santa?"
When asked why she was flying to Florida a full week before the MFL championship game, the pretty blonde admitted that she was planning some "extensive, in-depth interviews" with Piranha coach Vox Day. "He's just so hot," she explained.
Burns not impressed with Piranha
Minneapolis Freeze December 19
Obviously disturbed after the Piranha sneaked by the Freeze in the first round, Coach Burns commented from the bed he shared with Melissa Stark: "If it wasn't for that greasy mother fu!~@r Gramatica then we would have won. Who is that little fu@!#n troll anyway? Isn't he the best friend of Doogie Howser from the Tv show of the same name? Vinny I think his name was. What does that little prick wash his hair with anyway, Crisco? If I was half the man I was 10 years ago I'd kick his greasy grimy 80 pound ass! The Piranha did not impress me at all. One roster move and I would have beaten them by 15 points. It will be a sad fu~@!#n day in the fu!@#n MFL if they go on to fu!@#n win".
PETA supports Westies
Ponte Vedra Piranha December 19
"We've decided that if there's one team in the MFL that we can support, it has to be the new Westfield franchise," announced a spokeswoman from the animal rights group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals after Monday night's game at the Westfield sandlot.
"Why? Because we know they don't use choke collars," the grubby granola girl explained. "That would be redundant!"
Denny Green and the Westies Choke in Crunch Time
Westfield Lane Westies December 19
Are we seeing a pattern here? For the second straight year Mike Lynn put together a cast of MFL All-Stars for owner Adam Landvik only to see Denny Green drive the team into the dirt in the playoffs. The problem? Lack of veteran leadership.
A Pre-Victory Haiku
Savage Angels December 20
Vedra's Grim Reaper,
Holy Army of Angels
Quash Loki Cup dreams
Denny Green Responds to Lack of Leadership Allegations
Naples Navahos December 20
Responding to allegations that his coaching style has managed to put owner Adam Landvik's franchise, the Westfield Westie's, out of the Loki Cup hunt for 2 strait years, Denny Green stated:
"First I gotta give props ta my peeps! Stand Strong! Secondly, where the hell is that Christmas Ham ya'll promised for me ta snack on. Damn! Don't mess wit a black man when he's hungry!"
He then added: "Why we lose? I NEED a black quarterback jack! That Warner trade killed us this season. I didn't ask fo' no pasty white..Garth Brooks singin'..Interception throwin'..Bush leauge Quarterback!"
He turned to leave the short press conference adding: "The only country I like is Old Conutry Buffet!"
Lit-Crit in North Florida
Ponte Vedra Piranha December 20
Ponte Vedra coach Vox Day, in an impromptu press conference at the Sawgrass Country Club, revealed that in addition to being the brain behind the league's highest scoring offense and toughest defense, he is also an occasional contributor to the noted literary journal, the Red Wheelbarrow.
"The problem with my colleague's little effort there is that he has clearly confused his prefixes with regards to their temporal status and their fundamental linkages to the space-time continuum," he stated, confusing nearly the entire press corps and causing one young ESPN correspondent to overheat and remove her linen blouse, revealing two creamy, perfectly globular...
erm, anyhow, Coach Day went on to add that "the error is compounded by the author's apparent misidentification of Vishnu, the destroyer, which is the deity he obviously had in mind. The cornucopious religious references are vaguely interesting, in that the Hindu, Christian, and Nordic pagan faiths are all given their moment in the sun, as it were, but the combination is, in the end, unconvincing. Not a bad effort, but his boys are still going to lose this week!"
The intellectual coach tried to support his critique by reading from the Vedas in the original Sanskrit, but he had barely begun before he was stopped by an alarmed press corps. Coach Day responded angrily, flipping the press "the dirty bird" before departing the country club in the company of the still-topless correspondent. As they drove off in his Jaguar XJ-220, he was overheard to say: "I think you and Melissa are going to become very, very good friends."
A moment with Beale making comment about recent aqqusition
Naples Navahos December 21
Staying out of the public eye more lately than he has all season, Owner/GM of the Naples Navaho's Jeffrey M. Beale recently flew back to Florida after an extensive stay with long time friend Hugh Heffner.
"I needed some relaxation and get my battery charged after this long season," Beale said wryly puffing on a cigar in the Naples Ritz Carlton Hotel lounge. "As it turned out, I really didn't get all that much rest."
When asked about his recent move sending RB Ron Dayne, a player aqquired in the Kurt Warner deal to waivers and picking up free agent, Terry Allen, Beale smiled and said, "Well,some of the players from the Warner trade didn't produce much for us, but I am pretty sure we faired better than the Westie organization. Landvik will be crying about this move all year. I guess I would too if I had made trade moves that cost me a chance at the Loki Cup two years in a row. I should really buy him a Ferrari for Christmas, that made me feel better about losing!"
After being asked if he knew whether the newly aqquired RB was healthy enough to play, Beale took a long puff of his Monte Cristo and stated, "Terry Allen, I gotta ask him."
Don't Believe the Hype
Naples Navahos December 21
Don't! Don't! Don't! Don't!
Don't! Don't! Don't!
Don't believe the Hype!
Don't believe the Hype!
What's the Hype?
That the Venom are favored to win the Toilet Bowl.
The Navaho's got the Flavor!
2000 MFL - A Team to Remember
Savage Angels December 21
Hello Everyone,
I have to say that the MFL is the greatest fantasy football league that I've been associated with. I am looking forward to this weekend's championship match and to next season. Good look to all!
Coach Andrew Nelson
P.S. That's all bullsh*t. I can't wait to take the cup and shove it in your faces. Piss off!
A Warm Holiday Greeting from Freeze Head Coach Burnsie
Minneapolis Freeze December 22
F#@k You! And merry f~!@#n Christmas to you and yours. Please watch as the Freeze fu@!#n destroy the Westfield Crusties and leave them sobbing in a puddle of their own eggnog-laden vomit.
And long live the MF of fu@k'n L. And don't worry, I'll be back next season. Not bad for a second year expansion team - two third place finishes in a row! Next season we're gunning for that piece of sh#t cup cuz I need something to keep my Blatz chill'n.
Wallabies Coach Demands Fine From League Office
Baldwin Wallabies December 22
Coach Lunstad of the Baldwin Wallabies issued this statement from his Wallabies' Headquarters:
"When I took over the coaching and GM responsibilities of the Wallabies two years ago, I did so with the understanding that the MFL - The Most Prestigious League in sports - would remain a respectable venue for players, coaches, and fans to enjoy the game of football.
"Sure, we've had our league scandals, many of which originated with my own kin and his questionable preferences. I've seen teams lay siege to stadiums and I've heard the colorful language of Coach Burns. I've watched the adulterous behaviour from Ponte Vedra and seen Big Walleye pull his fair share of stunts. I've sat in disbelief at Naples' treatment of Chief Sh*tting Bull. However, I have never experienced such malice and blatant disregard of respect from a coach as when I saw the remarks from the rookie in Savage.
"I say good sir, you have a lot to learn about the ethics and standards outlined by the MFL and your duty as a representative of this league! I am demanding a fine from the league office!"
MFL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME
91 - Savage Angels
51 - Ponte Vedra Piranha
Savage Angels
2000 MFL LOKI CUP WINNERS
MFL TOILET BOWL
79 - Naples Navahos
61 - Vadnais Heights Venom
Piranha GM apologizes, fires self
Ponte Vedra Piranha December 25
"The buck stops here!" Ponte Vedra GM Vox Day told reporters outside Amazon.com stadium as he announced that he was firing himself as coach of the Loki Cup-losing Piranha. "In retrospect, it would appear that giving my players the week off in order to let them rest up and recharge their batteries was a big mistake. When I recommended Bangkok to Garner and Garcia, I meant they should go AFTER the game! Okay, my bad. But how was I supposed to know that Gramatica would get so worked up about the close of Tony and Tina's Wedding?"
The offensive genius who racked up the longest winning streak in league history admitted that he had "taken his eye off the ball recently" but added, "you have no idea how flexible that Stark chickadee is... yowza!"
When pressed for details regarding the powerful team's upcoming search for a new coach, the Piranha GM insisted it was far too soon to make any public statements. However, ESPN was reporting late Sunday night that Iron Mike Ditka had expressed interest in the position, and that Barry Switzer was seen boarding a Southwest airlines flight bound for Jacksonville.
Savage, Freeze most impressive teams down stretch
Minneapolis Freeze December 25
In what should have been a Freeze vs Savage title game, the most unholy Angels from Savage raped the Piranha for the championship of the MFL. It's a pity we all had to settle for a blow out title game. No doubt though, the two most impressive teams down the stretch were the Savage Angels and Minneapolis Freeze. Said Freeze coach Jerry Burns, "I can't believe we lost to the fuc@!n Ponte Vedra Guppies and I knew we would make the sorry ass Westfield Crusties our red-haired stepchild. What a bunch of chokers the Guppies and Crusties are. The Freeze celebrated their win over the Crusties with an all night lock-in at the Schmidt Brewery".
Bolton and Burns Have a Strange Sense of History
Vadnais Heights Venom December 25
Freeze management has the gaul (like stinky Frenchmen) to say they should have been in the championship game when they won games down the stretch to teams that didn't start full line-ups by scoring less than 50 points! And they say the atheletes have an overblown self image!! Maybe Ponte Vedra should hire one of them for the vacant coaching job. They sure know how to talk the talk - the walking part is in question, which would put them right at home in Florida!
Kudos To Naples
Vadnais Heights Venom December 26
Congratulations on a hard fought Toilet Bowl Championship. I pass the plunger along to you. They say defense wins championships - and it sure did for the Navahos!! Kudos Jeff Beale.
Coach Burns reacts to stinky postseason smack of Venom
Minneapolis Freeze December 27
Freeze head coach Jerry Burns commented on the stinky post season smack eminating from the buttocks of Venom Coach Stahl. From the Schmidt Brewery where he is still holding out from the X-mas day celebration, Burns had this to say, "History is but a study of the past. I am concerned only with the affairs of a life best lived for the future. That Venom coach is simply an idiot to such a degree that it cannot be understood or forgiven. I have chunks of poop in my beer-laden stool that have more spirit than he does. One day he will wake up and realize that a 7-9 record affords him a bowl of shut-up soup, whereas I will be drinking the rest of this keg of Schmidt's before nibbling on a delicious cut of Melissa Stark's thigh."
History Repeats Itself for Vox Day
Vadnais Heights Venom
In a twist of fate reminiscent of the inagural season of the MFL, Vox Day ran up an impressive regular season record only to be put to bed by a weaker team. Much like the experience in 1994 when the Anoka Archangels surpised the powerful Mounds View Marauders in the virgin Loki Cup playoffs, Savage laid claim to a trophy that should have been in Ponte Vedra.
"I know how that Andrew guy feels, " said the Big Walleye. "It's all about personnel in the regular season and all about coaching in the playoffs. There's one constant here. It's very Daniel-Snyderesque - the inability to recognize that the problem is you." he said as he lifted a tall cold PBR to his lips. "What the hell. We all have 9 months of drinking until this crap matters again."