MFL Posts 1999
Fear me you slovenly toads!
Mankato Hummingbirds September 9
I will devour you and flush your remains down my toilet when I am through extracting nutrition!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Upcoming Season
Minneapolis Freeze September 9
Beware the Minneapolis Freeze! We are an expansion team that will proceed to dominate and destroy everything that gets in our way. Our players have bits of your players in our stool samples!
Draft Order
Ponte Vedra Piranha September 9
This is the draft order. It was randomly determined by the computer. If my memory serves me correctly, the order flips after each round.
1 VHeight Venom
2 Baldwin Wallabies
3 Lugano Loons
4 Minneapolis Freeze
5 North Oaks Cobras
6 Mankato Hummingbirds
7 Fridley Ferrets
8 Ponte Vedra Piranha
The A Team is ready to rumble!
Fridley Ferrets September 10
I pity the foo who plays my team this week!!!
The Big Walleye has only one thing to say....
Vadnais Heights Venom September 10
I have been polishing my Loki Cup with the diapers of your starting quarterbacks!
Confucious say...
Minneapolis Freeze September 10
man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day!!! Don't be too confident.
WEEK 1 RESULTS
35 - North Oaks Cobras (1-0)
04 - Baldwin Wallabies (0-1)
37 - Fridley Ferrets (1-0)
24 - Ponte Vedra Piranha (0-1)
36 - Lugano Loons (1-0)
26 - Mankato Hummingbirds (0-1)
39 - Minneapolis Freeze (1-0)
17 - Vadnais Heights Venom (0-1)
One thing to say to the Big Walleye...
Fridley Ferrets September 15
Thanks for keeping the Loki cup polished for us contenders. Are we going to witness another fish fry this weekend?
16 games makes a season, rookie
Vadnais Heights Venom September 19
I have 2 words for all those who would mock the Big Walleye - Veteran Leadership! Let's also add Rob Moore as a mid week addition!
WEEK 2 RESULTS
64 - Fridley Ferrets (2-0)
33 - Baldwin Wallabies (0-2)
26 - Minneapolis Freeze (2-0)
10 - North Oaks Cobras (1-1)
44 - Mankato Hummingbirds (1-1)
16 - Ponte Vedra Piranha (0-2)
40 - Vadnais Heights Venom (1-1)
00 - Lugano Loons (1-1)
BEWARE!
Minneapolis Freeze September 22
Minneapolis Freeze is only beginning to heat up!!!
Andrew, intelligence, and the Minneapolis Freeze
Vadnais Heights Venom September 23
Recently Andrew read a book on intelligence that states that very intelligent people will often make puns. These puns, however, will not necessarily be funny in any way. From the Minneapolis Freeze's last message, we can all conclude that Marcus is extremely intelligent!
Touch football players needed the Sunday
Fridley Ferrets September 23
Both Cory and Markus will be out of town this Sunday and unavailable to play for the Posse. Our team on Sunday will be Tim, Drew, myself and possibly Todd. It would be nice to have a sub or 2.
If you can think of anyone else would might be interested in playing this Sunday, please call them.
He also meant to spell it "Marcus", not "Markus" and...
Minneapolis Freeze September 24
thanks to Andrew for his enlightening input on the link between puns and intelligence. Of course, judging by the 2-0 record of the Freeze, we all knew Marcus was an intelligent man. What we should take from all of this is the simple, frightening fact that Andrew has nothing better to do with his time than to seek out and read books about puns. Maybe his time would better be invested into scouting NFL trends/stats. Judging by his team's performance, he could use some insight.
WEEK 3 RESULTS
29 - Fridley Ferrets (3-0)
21 - Mankato Hummingbirds (1-2)
30 - Minneapolis Freeze (3-0)
16 - Baldwin Wallabies (0-3)
42 - Vadnais Heights Venom (2-1)
22 - Ponte Vedra Piranha (0-3)
29 - North Oaks Cobras (2-1)
21 - Lugano Loons (1-2)
Fear the Ferrets!!!
Fridley Ferrets September 27
The A Team has changed names and are now the Fridley Ferrets. However, I still hold the rights to Mr. T.
--I pity da foo who plays the Ferrets!
Perhaps they should be called the Ponte Vedra Poodles?
Vadnais Heights Venom September 28
In the cold deep waters of the great north, Piranha freeze and Walleye rule the ponds!
WEEK 4 RESULTS
44 - Fridley Ferrets (4-0)
28 - Vadnais Heights Venom (2-2)
42 - Lugano Loons (2-2)
37 - Minneapolis Freeze (3-1)
29 - North Oaks Cobras (3-1)
28 - Ponte Vedra Piranha (0-4)
53 - Baldwin Wallabies (1-3)
37 - Mankato Hummingbirds (1-3)
The Posse wins!!
Fridley Ferrets October 4
The Posse pulls to 2-2 after yesterdays 22-14 masterpiece. The Posse was led by QB Dan Lunstad (3 TD's, 2 PAT's, many yards and NO INTERCEPTIONS). The score makes the game look closer than it actually was, Posse was up 22-6 with less than 10 minutes to play. The opposing team scored on their last drive to pull to the score to a respectable 22-14. Once again our team D was great, we did not give up any big plays and forced 2 interceptions.
New Baldwin Manager - Marino saves Marcus at last Minute (26)
Lugano Loons October 4
The Baldwin Wallabies finally get a W, at the expense of the high-scoring, but 1-3 Hummingbirds. The Freeze almost lose a ten-point lead on Monday Night, but when the Miami KR gets taken down on the Buffalo 4, Marino bail them out. And the Piranha... still lack teeth.'
Also, Dan Lunstad, the QB whose golden arm led the Posse to victory this week, is the new manager of the Wallabies. The question everyone wants to know is: can he build on this week's win?
Misinformation from the loon in Lugano
Minneapolis Freeze October 5
Maybe the loonie toon from lugano should revisit his source of info. The Freeze did lose a ten point lead on Monday night because of Dan Marino's inability to play football. I hate Dan Marino. Why did I get stuck with Dan Marino? Does anybody want Dan Marino? Someone out there please propose a trade for Dan Marino. Please.
I'm taking bids on Dan Marino!!!!
Minneapolis Freeze October 5
Anybody in need of Dan Marino? Please propose a relatively respectable trade for him. Thanks.
WEEK 5 RESULTS
48 - Fridley Ferrets (5-0)
25 - North Oaks Cobras (3-2)
35 - Minneapolis Freeze (4-1)
26 - Ponte Vedra Piranha (0-5)
14 - Lugano Loons (3-2)
10 - Baldwin Wallabies (1-4)
19 - Mankato Hummingbirds (2-3)
14 - Vadnais Heights Venom (2-3)
Chris Berman: "Hot Ferrets will succumb to Freeze!!"
Minneapolis Freeze October 12
the two best teams will battle it out in a mid season match up featuring the 5-0 Ferrets and the 4-1 Minneapolis Freeze. Definitely the game of the week!
Freeze to make Ferrets their bee-aatch!
Minneapolis Freeze October 12
You goin down ferret! Yo Adrian!
Freeze and Ferrets quiet amidst Steroid allegations
Mankato Hummingbirds October 13
Although neither organization could be reached for comment, this reporter raised eyebrows at the giggling Dr. Seuss rhymes on the Ferrets answering machine, and the stereo blasting In-A-Gadda-Davida that obsured the excited shouting of the Freeze receptionist.
In trying times like these, thank goodness for wholesome teams like the Mankato Hummingbirds.
3 Mankato Hummingbird Players indicted in gay sex scandal
Minneapolis Freeze October 13
Although team spokesman could not be reached for comment, sources say this once wholesome team has had three players taking extra long showers after practices. Keep the soap on a rope please.
WEEK 6 RESULTS
33 - Minneapolis Freeze (5-1)
28 - Fridley Ferrets (5-1)
33 - Lugano Loons (4-2)
25 - Ponte Vedra Piranha (0-6)
39 - Mankato Hummingbirds (3-3)
26 - North Oaks Cobras (3-3)
24 - Baldwin Wallabies (2-4)
07 - Vadnais Heights Venom (2-4)
The Posse dominates 38-6!!
Fridley Ferrets October 18
The Posse pulled to 3-3 in our best game of the year. Dan Lunstad had another phenominal outing throwing 5 TD's and 4 two point conversions. The schlacking began on our first drive as Dan hit me in the back of the end zone in a play that brought back memories of Montana to Clark. I finished the game with 3 TD's, Marcus (in his come-back game) pulled in a 40 yd. TD and Cory adding the final TD.
Next week we play at 4:30. Cory and I might not be able to make the game so we are going to need extra players. A win next week will give us a winning season!
Proleteriat dealt another blow by Ferrets; revolution near
Baldwin Wallabies October 18
In a surprising move, the Fridley Ferrets proved to the Minnesota Football League that the rich will remain rich at the expense of the poor. The Ferrets acquired Jeff George minutes after entering last Sunday's game against the Lions. Already with Brett Farve and Kurt Warner, the Ferrets have created a quarterback club in Fridley. George who appeared to be a steal to lowly teams was gone before the end of the third quarter. The Baldwin Wallabies call for a reshuffle of rosters where each team acquires players according to their need. "The bourgiosie must learn that they cannot continue to use us as stepping stones to success," says Lunstad. Lunstad is looking to the Piranhas for support.
Big Walleye Claims Venom Has No Heart
Vadnais Heights Venom October 22
In a move consistent with his reputation as an "Act Now, Act Decisively" franchise executive, The Big Walleye held a press conference today in which he labeled his players "wimps" "little girls" and "Andrew Lunstads". Claiming they had no hearts, he has decided to join Coach Lonzell Cahill on the sidelines this weekend to get closer to the action.
Randall Cunnigham, benched for new started Doug Flutie, reacted with the following statement - "Hey, we may suck, and we may be little girls - but no-one deserves to be called Andrew Lunstad!!!!!!!"
WEEK 7 RESULTS
38 - Fridley Ferrets (6-1)
36 - Lugano Loons (4-3)
47 - Mankato Hummingbirds (4-3)
32 - Minneapolis Freeze (5-2)
16 - North Oaks Cobras (4-3)
14 - Vadnais Heights Venom (2-5)
45 - Baldwin Wallabies (3-4)
22 - Ponte Vedra Piranha (0-7)
Let's make a deal!!!
Fridley Ferrets October 26
I have three great QB's and need one great RB. Any offers???
Back online!
Ponte Vedra Piranha October 26
The Piranha are finally online - and are ready to turn their season around! Beware!
Congrats to the Posse boys on the big victory. Believe it or not, I'd still be sitting on the bench as my ankle still won't let me run. I can be emailed at my usual address - at least I think so. I'll post otherwise here if I'm wrong.
Welcome back Ponte Vedra Guppies
Minneapolis Freeze October 26
welcome back to the Guppies. Maybe they should choose another fish as mascot - what are those fish called that cling to the bottom of the ocean and feed on other fish's fecal matter? Win a game!
WEEK 8 RESULTS
70 - Ponte Vedra Piranha (1-7)
52 - Fridley Ferrets (6-2)
27 - Vadnais Heights Venom (3-5)
17 - Minneapolis Freeze (5-3)
68 - Mankato Hummingbirds (5-3)
34 - Lugano Loons (4-4)
11 - Baldwin Wallabies (4-4)
08 - North Oaks Cobras (4-4)
Guppies nothing! A victory Haiku
Ponte Vedra Piranha November 1
Aye warned ye! Aye warned ye! Yes, now that the preseason is over, the Piranha are primed to devour all that would enter their running waters!
Haiku #70-52
A skeleton lies
Under water red with blood
O teeth, razor-sharp
Triangle Power in Mankato?
Mankato Hummingbirds November 1
Addressing what seems to be a masterpiece in 'crossover' appeal, a puzzled Brad Johnson seemed mystified by the Gay Pride marches for the Hummingbirds that have caused such a stir in Mankato. "I love fan support, and I know that there have been allegations... but this goes beyond reason!"
"In my heart there are only the robin's egg blue and gentle yellow colors of the team I love!" explained 'Terence', the organizer of the demonstration.
A warm Halloween Melts the Freeze!
Vadnais Heights Venom November 1
Even though Lonzell Cahill mistakenly started Doug Flutie over Steve McNair, costing himself 20 points, a surging Vadnais Heights Venom exposed their ample rumps to the Freeze in a gesture that can only be defined as a "rectal bitch slap." The Freeze general manager was heard to utter some choking sounds in response. Let the bottom feeders eat!!
Wallabies bounce to another victory
Baldwin Wallabies November 2
There is joy in Baldwin again as the Wallabies convincingly killed the Cobras in what turned out to be the game of the week. Said general manager Dan Lunstad, "Our boys have lived by the motto 'Refuse to Lose' and they proved that for a third time in a row!"
Since Lunstad's promotion from mascot trainer to GM, the Wallabies have proven to the MFL that they are a force to be reckoned with. Next up for the lads from Baldwin is the quarterback rich Fridley Ferrets. This reporter believes the game will put the team on the map and prove that they are legitamite contenders. With such a convincing recent victory, how could one think otherwise?
Mike Lynn II?
Fridley Ferrets November 3
From the AP wire:
An early season trade that sent Edgerinn James and Drew Bledsoe to the lowly Guppies for Brett Farve came back to haunt the Ferrets last week. James produced 1 TD while Bledoe finished with 4 TD's for the improved Guppies. Farve, reminiscent of last years Monday night game against the Vikes finished, with 4 INT's and 1 TD. At the mid-morning press conference today at Ferret Park GM Adam Landvik denied all allegations that he is the reincarnation of Mike Lynn.
WEEK 9 RESULTS
48 - Baldwin Wallabies (5-4)
36 - Fridley Ferrets (6-3)
42 - North Oaks Cobras (5-4)
34 - Minneapolis Freeze (5-4)
34 - Ponte Vedra Piranha (2-7)
17 - Mankato Hummingbirds (5-4)
27 - Lugano Loons (4-4-1)
27 - Vadnais Heights Venom (3-5-1)
Ferrets begin nightmarish decent to bottom of MFL
Minneapolis Freeze November 8
Ever since the Mike Lynn-esque deal the Ferrets have been wearing cement boots while trying to swim in a sea of blood-thirsty sharks. A few more losses and its bye bye to the quarterback-laden quick starts from Fridley.
Humming in the key of D-feat!
Ponte Vedra Piranha November 9
The renaissance of the upset-minded Piranha cannot be stopped, not even by the brainlock of coach Vox Day, who admitted that he forgot to sit bye-weekers Drew Bledsoe and Terry Glenn because he was "too busy watching Pamela Lee's new series, VIP, in Italian."
"It really adds a lot to the show when you can't understand a word they're saying," he observed. "Without the lame dialogue, I just got caught up in the heart-pounding action, and, well, it's just a good thing the boys shut down Brad Johnson."
Piranha management released a statement saying Day would not be fined, but would have to limit his television viewing to weird Italian game shows, live fencing, and German Jerry Springer imitations in the future. What this reporter wants to know is after knocking off the MFL's two top teams in consecutive weeks, can the upstarts from Ponte Vedra sweep the league in the second half of the season?
Wunderkind offered mid-season extension
Baldwin Wallabies November 9
Baldwin Wallabies owner Heather Beale announced in a surprise press conference that the architect of Baldwin's return to the upper echelon of the Minnesota Football League was to be offered a five-year contract extension. "I just thought he deserved it," said Beale. "I'd always thought young Daniel showed heaps of talent as a mascot trainer, and he always had those cute little hoppers up and ready for the big game on Sunday. I'm just surprised that those zoological skills translated so well to the front office."
Lunstad, rapidly developing a reputation as the "Ron Wolf" of the MFL, could not be reached for comment.
WEEK 10 RESULTS
49 - Mankato Hummingbirds (6-4)
36 - Fridley Ferrets (6-4)
21 - Minneapolis Freeze (6-4)
05 - Baldwin Wallabies (5-5)
45 - Lugano Loons (5-4-1)
22 - North Oaks Cobras (5-5)
38 - Vadnais Heights Venom (4-5-1)
12 - Ponte Vedra Piranha (2-8)
Sad state of the League
Vadnais Heights Venom November 15
The Big Walleye held a press conference last night to discuss the wildness that is the 1999 MFL season. Following are unrelated excerpts from that conversation.
"We didn't even used to let Floridians carry our jockstraps. much less coach and manage a team"
"What is the story with that sissy-pants team from Mankato. Triangle power? The only triangle that boy needs to be worrying about is the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost! He and his other little special friends are going be hearing about that trio for eternity."
"The Ferrets. First of all, their coach is a crier. Always has been - always will be. Second of all, their coach is a crier."
"Would I ever have a spot in my coaching staff for the upstart Wallabies coach? You bet I would! He can walk my bulldog, General Lee. I hear he's qualified."
"Women coaches - I thought that's what wives were. That's why men play football - to get away from skirts, and concentrate on the hurts. Except for a boy's momma of course. She's to be thanked for all the good things that happen in a football game."
"North Oaks - them country club boys might mess up their fingernails if they actually tried to tackle someone."
"Why are we having a losing season - It's the Sad State of the League - that's why!"
WEEK 11 RESULTS
47 - Minneapolis Freeze (7-4)
26 - Lugano Loons (5-5-1)
58 - Fridley Ferrets (7-4)
36 - Vadnais Heights Venom (4-6-1)
51 - Baldwin Wallabies (6-5)
05 - Mankato Hummingbirds (6-5)
37 - Ponte Vedra Piranha (3-8)
32 - North Oaks Cobras (5-6)
As temp drops and snow falls, Freeze heat up!
Minneapolis Freeze November 23
Ah yes, the Freeze are enjoying the comfortable life at the top of the league. Eagerly anticipating that pivotal week 13 "match-up of the millenium" against the Fridley Weasels, manager Marcus Bolton noted "No doubt we will crush the fu!#!$n Weasels like a pair of crusty moose nuggets. But one fu!#!#n game at a time. Week 13 will be f!!@!n huge, but week 12 is our main fu@~!n focus right now. So I'm only answering questions about this week's match up against the piece of crap PV fu@~@@n Guppies. No questions on that topic? Then leave me the f!@k alone". Fighting words from the tough-minded manager.
Freeze to fall; need new adjective, says Piranha coach
Ponte Vedra Piranha November 23
When asked to respond to the Minneapolis Freeze coach's obscenity-laden anti-Ponte Vedran spewage, Piranha coach Vox Day only laughed and said: "it's a pity the Freeze are up against the salary cap, otherwise he could go out and sign himself a new adjective!"
The Ponte Vedra coach denied rumors that he would be fired at the end of the season. "Now I don't want to suggest that the Ponte Vedra management has been involved in anything illegal or immoral," he said. "But I would like to remind everyone that my digital camera works fine, just fine."
When pressed for details, coach Day would only say: "The rumors that our owner snorts Bolivian angeldust are false. I myself believe him when he says he just likes the way it smells." The Ponte Vedra coach went on to point out that the Piranha have a history of upsetting top-ranked teams this season.
Loons coach threatens to quit
Lugano Loons November 23
In a surprise post-game press conference, Lugano coach "Iron" Becky tearfully offered her resignation following the Loons defeat at the hands of the Minneapolis Freeze.
"I obviously didn't get the job done," she said. "I just didn't get my team ready to play. We didn't come ready to play. Maybe I shouldn't be coaching in this league anymore!"
The once-resurgent Loons appear to have stalled, and are winless in the last two weeks. However, Lugano management expressed surprise at the impromptu press conference and said that they had no intention of allowing the fiery coach to leave her job.
Where's the hummer?
Baldwin Wallabies November 23
Gay rights activists picketed outside the offices of Wallabies owner Heather Beale in downtown Baldwin after the Baldwin Bulletin quoted her making what the activists considered to be disparaging remarks about the sexual orientation and lack of performance of the Mankato football team.
"Yeah, Danny and the boys pretty much whipped their pansy little buttercup butts," the newspaper reported her saying. "Fifty-one to five, I mean, if that's not a b#%$&-slapping, I don't know what is! Maybe if they wore leather, they might play a little rougher... I mean tougher. There's not a single real man on that team!"
The Wallabies owner refused to comment on the newspaper reports.
Freeze's Bolton Fires Back at Guppies' Day
Minneapolis Freeze November 23
Responding to the desparate battle cries of the basement dwelling Ponte Vedra Guppies' coach Vox Day, always outspoken Freeze coach Marcus Bolton stated "Yeah, I'm aware of what this fu!@@#n Vox Day character said about his fu!@#n fruitless Guppies upsetting top-ranked teams. But isn't every fu!@!n game they win considered an upset? After all, they are the ones buried deep in the rectum of this fu!@!@n league.
And another fu!@!@n thing, what's all this chatter about homos saturating the league. What kind of coach would allow such activity on their team? This whole fu!@!@n league needs a Dutch fu~!@!n enema. And what the hell kind of name is Vox Day anyway? No wonder their all biting pillows over there."
Freeze Meltdown Predicted by Trent Tucker Himself!!
Fridley Ferrets November 25
Trent Tucker was at Ferret Park this and offered his opinion of next week's “matchup of the millennium”. “The Freeze must recognize that the Ferrets have one major advantage: veteran leadership, therefore, the Ferrets will prove victorious in crunch time."
As for the malicious comments of the lowly Venom, Trent concluded, "After last week, we saw who the real criers are."
WEEK 12 RESULTS
37 - Minneapolis Freeze (8-4)
35 - Ponte Vedra Piranha (3-9)
51 - Baldwin Wallabies (6-5-1)
51 - Lugano Loons (5-5-2)
31 - North Oaks Cobras (6-6)
23 - Fridley Ferrets (7-5)
23 - Vadnais Heights Venom (5-6-1)
21 - Mankato Hummingbirds (6-6)
Trent Tucker Meltdown Predicted by Freeze
Minneapolis Freeze November 30
Trent Tucker was spotted lying in a puddle of his own vomit and excrement next to Sex World with Saran Wrap mysteriously wrapped around his face. He was later admitted to HCMC for detox and was quoted as saying "My paper slippers are too damn tight. Someone please loosen my paper slippers". Tucker is still expected to appear on the Fridley Ferrets sidelines as an inspirational leader during the much-anticipated "matchup of the millenium".
WEEK 13 RESULTS
30 - Fridley Ferrets (8-5)
27 - Minneapolis Freeze (8-5)
48 - Baldwin Wallabies (7-5-1)
20 - Vadnais Heights Venom (5-7-1)
32 - Mankato Hummingbirds (7-6)
19 - North Oaks Cobras (6-7)
18 - Ponte Vedra Piranha (4-9)
11 - Lugano Loons (5-6-2)
The Big Walleye Has Gone Overboard
Vadnais Heights Venom December 8
Visibly shaken by last week's loss and mathematical elimination from the playoff picture, the Big Walleye addressed a packed room of reporters. After his most recent tirade, criticizing most every team and coaching staff in the league, the press was shocked when the Big Walleye blamed the season's fortunes on himself and came out of the closet as a sex addict.
"I spent an awful lot of time reviewing film this season, but not the kind that helps a team put a strategy together for an upcoming opponent. There is no-one here to blame but the Little Walleye." Following his announcement, he mumbled something about releasing his corral of marquee players from this den of iniquity he had created, and tearfully fled from the room.
WEEK 14 RESULTS
32 - Fridley Ferrets (9-5)
19 - Lugano Loons (5-7-2)
61 - Minneapolis Freeze (9-5)
28 - Mankato Hummingbirds (7-7)
30 - Baldwin Wallabies (8-5-1)
29 - Ponte Vedra Piranha (4-10)
15 - Vadnais Heights Venom (6-7-1)
10 - North Oaks Cobras (6-8)
FINAL REGULAR SEASON STANDINGS
1. Fridley Ferrets *
2. Minneapolis Freeze *
3. Baldwin Wallabies *
4. Mankato Hummingbirds *
5. Vadnais Heights Venom
6. North Oaks Cobras
7. Lugano Loons
8. Ponte Vedra Piranha
* = makes playoffs
Mr. T joins Ferret staff
Fridley Ferrets December 18
After last weeks mess with the Trent Tucker escapade at Sex World, GM Adam Landvik brought Mr. T into the Ferret Fold as the new Motivational Speaker for the Ferrets. After watching a week of practice at Ferret Park, Mr. T spoke out "I pity the foo who plays the Ferrets in the playoffs!!"
At the weekly press conference, Mr. T commented on this weeks matchup. "I guarentee that we will crush those butt-pirates from Mankato. There is no way that those pansies in their pastel uniforms will be able to compete with the mighty Ferrets!!" Trent Tucker had no comment.
Upsets, Upsets & More Upsets - Pass the Rolaids
Minneapolis Freeze December 20
Could it be a clean sweep by the underdogs in the first round of the playoffs? 3 of the 4 games can still be decided with the Monday night game, but all indications are that it will be upsets straight across the board. Makes me wonder if I haven't been wasting my time selecting talented players. Sad state of the league, indeed.
FIRST ROUND PLAYOFF RESULTS
50 - Mankato Hummingbirds
29 - Fridley Ferrets
55 - Baldwin Wallabies
23 - Minneapolis Freeze
Cream Genes rise to the top
Mankato Hummingbirds December 21
(Associated Press 12-21-1999) Confirming what scientists have theorized for years, football genius is demonstrably genetic in origin. One need look no further than the Minnesota Football League and the inspiring Cinderella stories of two brothers -- Dan and Andrew. Of course, in Dan's case 'Cinderella' speaks to the nature of his comeback. In Andrew's, well, let's just say that the Hummingbirds are a special team.
Venom, Hummingbirds Charged with Collusion
Baldwin Wallabies December 21
In a move that came as a breath of fresh air to MFL teams, the league office filed an anti-trust law suit against the two teams. The law suit comes shortly after the Venom unexpectedly dropped Jeff George and the Rams defense which were picked up and used by the Hummingbirds.
Baldwin Bounces Past Freeze and Into the MFL Finals
Baldwin Wallabies December 21
Despite the recent blemish in the MFL, the Baldwin Wallabies are providing an exciting story. After a slow start, the team has found itselt playing in the finals of the illustrious Minnesota Football League.
Word from the league office is that the Venom and Hummingbirds attempted to file an anti-trust suit of their own against the Wallabies' owner Heather Beale. They called the hiring of GM Dan Lunstad in week 4, "a hindrance to competition."
Mrs. Beale could not be reached for comment and their is no official word from the MFL.
Venom Vindicated - Cleared of Collusion with Mankato
Vadnais Heights Venom December 23
Vadnais Heights was cleared of all collusion charges this week by the league. League official Chris Bowen was quoted as saying, " 3 things point to a clean roster change for Vadnais Heights - 1. Terry Allen was released but did not appear on the Mankato roster, desperately in need of a good running back, 2. The rerostered Venom still managed a win in the first round of the losers bracker last week, evidencing their desire to take their team in a different yet winning direction, 3. The Big Walleye doesn't swing that way."
Reporters waited outside the Mankato locker room after their victory to get their reaction, but no team members or coaches were forthcoming. The only insight to what was happening inside came when a shipment of refreshing wine coolers arrived, and the distant strains of YMCA were heard as the doors swung closed after the delivery. The press can only speculate amongst themselves what was happening inside after a few Bartles and James' were downed.
MFL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME
33 - Mankato Hummingbirds
17 - Baldwin Wallabies
Mankato Hummingbirds
1999 MFL LOKI CUP WINNERS
MFL TOILET BOWL
31 - Vadnais Heights Venom
22 - North Oaks Cobras
Bracket winners Bond
Vadnais Heights Venom December 27
(the Gay 90's)
Celebrating their playoff bracket victories, Andrew Lunstad and the Big Walleye were seen reeling from downtown Minneapolis hotspot to hotspot, eventually settling in at the Gay 90's for a drag show. "This is exactly the kind of thing we use in Mankato to relax the fellows during the bye week. It helps them grasp the graceful side of a man's athletic nature. Some fellows identify with it so much that they'll wear a little something soft and silky under their uniforms to keep the good feelings alive throughout our games," Andrew Lunstad was quoted as saying while he sipped on a raspberry frappe and enjoyed the show.
"What do you mean these aren't chicks??!!" was the only quote heard from the Big Walleye before he beat a hasty retreat next door to Augies.